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AI recommendations for descriptions in Amazon DataZone (Preview) – I see we’ve entered a new realm of despair – Amazon’s released ‘AI Descriptions in DataZone preview’. Because obviously, what we all need are fancy AI-generated descriptions of our data, not just good ol’ actual understanding. Brace yourselves folks, AWS is about to make reading data as clear as mud quipped in bureaucratese.

Announcing Amazon Aurora Limitless Database – In another exciting exercise of making up words, AWS introduces ‘Aurora Limitless’. Now you too can have limitless access to questionable database performance and UI that appears to be modeled on a choose-your-own-adventure book written by a lightly inebriated squirrel.

AWS announces Amazon Aurora PostgreSQL zero-ETL integration with Amazon Redshift (Public Preview) – In their infinite wisdom, AWS has now introduced a public preview for Zero ETL integration between Amazon Aurora PostgreSQL and Redshift. Just what we all needed, another reason to wrangle with Aurora. I wonder if the engineers realize ETL jobs aren’t sentient beings you can carry a zero from the middle out to the end, despite what their sleek naming suggests.

Amazon Bedrock now supports batch inference – Ready for another zany service name from AWS? Enter: Amazon Bedrock Batch Inference. Because what’s more enjoyable than associating cloud services with a prehistoric Flintstones’ town and computational predictions? Let’s just hope your data doesn’t get processed by a dinosaur-powered mainframe.

Knowledge Bases for Amazon Bedrock is now generally available – Amazon just unveiled Bedrock Knowledge Bases, presumably because there wasn’t enough "Yabba Dabba Doo" in your database management. Now, because AWS apparently doesn’t have enough services to fill its incomprehensible dropdown menu, you can lose sleep over orchestrating your knowledge bases. Let’s hope it doesn’t go extinct like the dinosaurs.

Safeguard generative AI applications with Guardrails for Amazon Bedrock (Preview) – AWS has announced Bedrock Safeguard for your AI applications. Ah yes, because nothing says "trustworthy AI" like a tool named after Pebbles and Bamm-Bamm’s hometown in the Flintstones. I’m excited to see whether it’ll send out messages via a prehistoric bird or a rock tablet when it detects something going awry.

Amazon Braket launches Braket Direct, a program to dive deeper into quantum computing – Amazon is hitting us with "Braket Direct," because the only thing better than quantum computing is making quantum computing-adjacent services more convoluted. Not content with torturing us with evidently infinite cloud services, AWS now lets us directly interface with its quantum machine. Clearly, because your average developer wakes up and thinks, "I wish I could spend my day poking at a subatomic level…"

Amazon CloudWatch announces AI-powered natural language query generation (in preview) – In another bid to convince us they’re working tirelessly to confuse us further, AWS releases an "AI powered" query generation for CloudWatch. Now you can ask it in plain English why your infrastructure is a dumpster fire at 3am, instead of puzzling over indecipherable logs. Fun times!

Observe your applications with Amazon CloudWatch Application Signals (Preview) – Amazon couldn’t stomach the notion that we might get a solid night’s sleep, so they launched the preview of CloudWatch Applications Signals Observe. So now you’ve got no excuses for not experiencing the unfiltered joy of 3 AM debugging sessions, because there’s always something in your applications to be monitored. It’s like they supercharged a nanny cam for your workloads.

Amazon CloudWatch Logs announces Infrequent Access log class – "In what feels like episode 4392 of ‘Let’s Overcomplicate Logging,’ AWS unveils CloudWatch Logs’ Infrequent Access Log Class. Now you can use up those precious brain cells trying to discern between ‘frequent access’ and ‘infrequent access’ logs. Surely nothing screams ‘modern real-time logging solution’ louder than this."

Announcing custom blueprints for Amazon CodeCatalyst – Amazon unveils Codecatalyst, a blueprint builder, evidently designed by a lumberjack who agrees that before we fuss about building the actual house, we should spend years creating perfect blueprints. Strap in for more tooling so you can build the tools to make your tools. This is the coder equivalent of a dog chasing its own tail, we just package it fancier.

Introducing the Amazon CodeCatalyst Enterprise Tier – AWS has decided to unleash yet another tier of service for CodeCatalyst, only this time with a shiny ‘enterprise’ label slapped right onto it. Great, it’s just what we needed – another undefined term in the sprawling AWS jungle. Watch out, because any moment now, you might stumble upon the mystical ‘unicorn’ or ‘yeti’ tier of service.

Announcing new enhancements to Amazon CodeWhisperer – Sure, because what we all really needed was more "enhancements" to Amazon Codewhisperer. It’s like they’re aiming to add so many features that sorting through them all becomes a full-time job. Hey AWS, can the next enhancement be a guide on how to figure out your previous enhancements?

Amazon Connect Contact Lens provides generative AI powered contact summarization (preview) – Amazon has just launched a ‘revolutionary’ AI-powered summarization feature for its Connect Contact Lens. A hat tip to Amazon for the tireless efforts in exhausting the adjectives dictionary in their quest to obfuscate and overhype what essentially amounts to a three-line email summarizer. Who needs human interaction when you have machines to talk to, and soon we won’t even need to read the machine’s full conversation. Progress, folks?

Amazon Connect Contact Lens now provides real-time conversational analytics for chat – In characteristic AWS fashion, they’ve rolled out real-time conversational analytics for Amazon Connect Contact Lens. Now, your contact center agents can know how terribly they’re doing while they’re still doing it. Nothing quite like real-time feedback to really boost that workplace morale.

Amazon Connect announces generative AI powered customer data mapping – Alright, so now Amazon Connect is touting generative AI-powered data mapping that will "revolutionize" your workflows, apparently straight from the Minority Report. Because who needs simple button-click solutions when you can instead turn your data mapping into an overly complex neural network battle? Watch out for the sudden influx of ‘AI data mapping specialists’ on their job descriptions folks!

Amazon Connect now offers in-app, web, and video calling – In a move that is sure to incite collective shoulder shrugging, Amazon Connect has decided to hurl itself into app-web video calling. Apparently because "being late to the party" is the new black in the tech world, they’ve decided to take a shot at impersonating Zoom and FaceTime, with the added thrill of likely over-complicated pricing models.

Amazon Connect launches no-code UI builder to configure step-by-step guides – Ladies and Gentlemen, AWS has done it yet again with the fresh, out-of-the-oven Amazon Connect No-Code UI Builder. Now you don’t need to know how to code to build your dream contact center — ah, the beauty of noughts and crosses, I mean ‘no code’. All your dreams of call-routing scripts are about to come true, in drag-and-drop style!

Amazon Connect now supports two-way SMS – As if we didn’t have enough ways to be constantly bombarded, AWS launches two-way SMS on Amazon Connect. Now, in addition to phoning in every time your server catches fire, why not just text AWS with a little fire emoji and let the problem-solving begin. Back-and-forth texting: it isn’t just for breaking up with people anymore.

Amazon Connect provides Zero-ETL analytics data lake to access contact center data (preview) – Saddle up folks, it seems AWS is finally making big data simpler with the new ‘Amazon Connect Zero ETL Data Lake Center Data Preview.’ Now you can view raw data without transforming it into "Amazon-speak." Because who wouldn’t want to wade through warehouses worth of undeciphered data? It’s an upgrade, honestly.

Amazon Detective introduces finding group summaries using generative AI – Ah yes, we needed yet another AI in the AWS lineup – welcome, Amazon Detective Group Summaries Generative AI. Because what AWS users need is more automated write-ups that possibly make less sense than our current CloudFormation errors. It not only talks to you, but also makes educated deductions about your security data: the GPS directions of AWS, just hopefully not taking you down a one-way street.

Amazon Detective announces investigations for IAM – Amazon Weedle added Detective Investigations for IAM. Ah, yes, because solving IAM mysteries with cloud trail logs was my idea of a fun Thursday night. Who needs a proverbial breadcrumb trail when you can have the whole loaf of bread thrown at you in logs?

Amazon Detective now supports log retrieval from Amazon Security Lake – Finally, AWS is taking another step towards addressing our common enemy, "organized logs," with the introduction of Amazon Detective Log Retrieval into its crime-fighting ensemble. While we’re all on the edge of our seats anticipating how ‘Sherlock Holmes in the cloud’ unravels the mysteries of our sprawling data lakes, let’s thank Bezos for yet another service we didn’t realize we were desperate for!

Amazon Detective supports security investigations for Amazon GuardDuty ECS Runtime Monitoring – Behold the reaffirmation of a longstanding truth: there’s no mystery too complex for Amazon Detective; even it’s ‘Who used my ECS Tasks last night?’. With its latest feature, it has teamed up with Security GuardDuty to turn the dull task of ECS resource monitoring into a thrilling crime series. So, grab your detective hats, folks, because it’s time for some IT-noir action.

AWS announces Amazon DynamoDB zero-ETL integration with Amazon OpenSearch Service – Amazon DynamoDB has linked arms with OpenSearch Service in a flimsy attempt to make your data extraction process smoother, because nothing screams simplicity like adding yet another service to the puzzle. And oh, it’s "zero ETL," probably inspired by the countless number of times we’ve all wished for zero ETLs while sitting around the campfire.

AWS announces Amazon DynamoDB zero-ETL integration with Amazon Redshift – Leave it to AWS to concoct another convoluted concoction of tech jargon. Now DynamoDB can directly integrate with Redshift, because why should Apache Hudi and Glue have all the fun? But let’s be real, it’s just a fancy way of saying "everyone’s data organizing nightmares just leveled up.

Announcing Amazon EC2 High Memory U7i instances (Preview) – In a bold move, AWS unveiled its new EC2 High-Memory u7i instances. Because you know, if there’s anything you were low on, it was definitely ways to overpay for memory in the cloud. I can’t wait for Amazon’s machine learning tools to suggest I downgrade… because my wallet’s memories are getting a little too high-investment for comfort.

Announcing new Amazon EC2 R8g instances powered by AWS Graviton4 processors (Preview) – In their newest "We Did a Thing" blog post, AWS proudly presents the EC2 R8G instances – now with Graviton4 processors, because nothing screams excitement like incrementing a number. Coming soon to an obscure, buried page in your EC2 console, assuming you manage to navigate through the labyrinth that is AWS documentation.

Bring your own Amazon EFS (Elastic File System) volume to JupyterLab and CodeEditor in Amazon SageMaker Studio – In a move that will shock literally no one at all, AWS has managed to integrate Amazon EDS, a bit of the JupyterLab Code editor, and Amazon SageMaker Studio – because there weren’t enough Amazon services with similar-sounding names. Now you can manage absolutely everything from a single pane of glass… as long as that pane is exclusively filled with Amazon’s products. Classic Bezos.

Amazon EFS now supports up to 250,000 IOPS per file system – In true AWS fashion, they’ve announced that Amazon EFS has catapulted to 250,000 IOPS per file system. You know, for when your file retrieval demands are as intense as my caffeine addiction. Because nothing screams "we’re a cloud titan" like injecting your file system with performance steroids.

Announcing the new Amazon EFS Archive storage class – Amazon’s EFS Archive Storage class now allows you to pay less for files you won’t access, making AWS’s strategy of charging you for data you forgot about a little easier on the wallet. So, go ahead, stack up your abandoned data, and pay less to forget about it. Just another complex layer in the AWS onion.

Amazon EFS Replication now supports failback – Well folks, another revolutionary feature from Amazon – EFS Replication Failback! It’s times like these you stop to consider, did I really have a problem that needed solving, or is Amazon just inventing more fancy features in the hopes of getting my bill as inflated as their claim that I need this? Nevertheless, we can now all sleep comfortably knowing that my file system’s replication status will be forever etched in the annals of AWS Tributes to Overengineering.

Amazon EKS introduces EKS Pod Identity – AWS continues its spree of service-related acronyms and rolls out "EKS Pod Identity", because why bother going outdoors and facing real pods, like peas, when you can deal with virtual ones? Amazon really expects us to take this seriously when it’s clear that they’re just playing a high-stakes game of alphabet soup!

AWS announces Amazon ElastiCache Serverless – Amazon must have realized that managing infrastructure for caching services was just too 2010 and has decided to roll out ElastiCache Serverless. Cheers to freeing up countless developer hours previously spent on voodoo magic that is capacity planning and managing servers for cache. Now, we’ll all sleep like babies, confident that our cache will scale up and down to meet our ever-fluctuating ambition.

Amazon EventBridge now supports partner integrations with Adobe and Stripe – In another game of "how many services can we integrate", Amazon’s EventBridge now has new buddies – Adobe and Stripe! Because what could possibly be better than overcomplicating your simple projects with a ridiculously multi-partnered event bus service? Another win for unnecessary complexity!

Announcing Amazon FSx for NetApp ONTAP scale-out file systems – Amazon’s next cash-cow model: FSx NetApp ONTAP, a new way of digitizing selling storage bins – now your files can experience the luxury of both scale-out AND living on a virtual NetApp filer. What will we commoditize next, the very air you breathe?!

Amazon FSx for OpenZFS now supports on-demand data replication across file systems – "Looks like Bezos’ crew merely tossed ‘Amazon FSx’ and ‘OpenZFS data replication’ into the AWS Funny Phrases Bingo and we have our winner! Surely, this brings us one step closer to the ‘enterprise-grade durability and data protection’ utopia only achievable on the cloud… or in other words, one step closer to not entirely screwing up your data. You’re welcome!"

Introducing Amazon GuardDuty ECS Runtime Monitoring, including AWS Fargate – "Following trend, AWS announces GuardDuty’s blessing has been extended to our container babies! Now, your ECS tasks in Fargate can enjoy being perpetually monitored and scolded as if they’re on the naughty list. So get your popcorn out, because the neverending myth of a "peaceful" runtime is about to become a sci-fi movie!"

Amazon GuardDuty now supports runtime monitoring for Amazon EC2 (Preview) – Ah, bless Amazon GuardDuty! They’ve been so eager to ensure that EC2 is behaving that they’ve introduced runtime monitoring in Preview. So instead of just shaking our heads at vague warnings, we can now enjoy deciphering in real-time all the ways our instances are slightly screwing with us. Thanks, Amazon, we really needed another layer to this delightfully complex onion!

Amazon Inspector agentless vulnerability assessments for Amazon EC2 now in preview – AWS is seemingly trying to sell us on their new "Inspector Agentless Assessments for EC2", as if we should throw a parade because they’ve moved their invasive probing into the cloud. With words like ‘preview’, you already know it’s half-baked and ready to shine a spotlight on our infrastructure’s insecurities, only this time, sans agent. Neat, huh?

Amazon Inspector expands AWS Lambda code scanning with generative AI powered remediation – Ah, just when you thought your Lambda functions were safe, AWS has unsheathed its mighty ‘Amazon Inspector’ to unfold every nasty bug hidden in your pristine code. Apparently, not content simply perusing your infrastructure, now AWS insists on doing your job, er, helping you catch potential security vulnerabilities and runtime errors. I’m not sure if I should feel relieved or start mourning for the forgotten art of meticulous code debugging.

Amazon Inspector enhances container image security by integrating with developer tools – Strap in for yet another brilliant application for devs from the AWS wizardry collection – Amazon has gifted us with Inspector Image Security Developer Tools. Prepare to let Amazon poke around in your container images, ticking boxes on their security checklist. Because nothing screams "peace of mind" like casino magnate Jeff putting his team on the job of inspecting your uncooked builds for vulnerabilities.

Announcing Conversational FAQ with generative AI for Amazon Lex (Preview) – Hold onto your hats, folks. AWS has launched the preview of Amazon Lex’s Conversational FAQ feature, because nothing says ‘evolution of tech’ like an AI chatbot spitting out predefined answers. Because we were all hoping for a technology that replicated the experience of banging your head against an automated customer service system, amiright? Even the bot will be frustrated at your repetitive ‘Why?’.

Announcing utterance generation for Amazon Lex – Looks like AWS can now produce original, context-driven language for you — with Amazon Lex’s new Utterance Generation feature. Because we’ve all been sleepless, dreaming about a world where AI no longer parrots real human speech. Enter the age when every developer has a direct line to unlimited small talk—and awful dad jokes.

Amazon Managed Service for Prometheus launches an agentless collector for Prometheus metrics from Amazon EKS – Oh great, so we now have Amazon Managed Service for Prometheus that supports agentless collection of metrics on EKS. Because what we all definitely needed was yet another way for Amazon to hoover up our precious data without even having to install an agent. I guess the "no shoes, no shirt, no agent" service policy is now in full swing!

Amazon Monitron launches Ex-rated sensors for hazardous locations – Get ready for a shock: AWS Monitron can now sense equipment vulnerabilities at explosive settings without, well, exploding. Yes, the brave new frontier for AWS involves stopping things from unexpectedly going boom. Who knew AWS migration had a literal ‘explosive’ layer, they always come with a surprise, don’t they?

Amazon MSK now supports Graviton3-based M7g instances for new provisioned clusters – Ah yes, Amazon MSK Spirit Guide has beckoned us to ascend to its higher plane with the power of Graviton3 M7g instances. Pro tip: prepare yourself for a Kafka-esque experience in the tribulations of your data-flow cluster. Because why wouldn’t you want your data management to mirror existentialist literature?

Amazon Neptune Analytics is now generally available – Testing if AWS folks understand humor better than they understand astronomy, they named their new graph database service ‘Neptune Analytics’. Seems like they’re reaching for the stars, or at least the eighth planet in our solar system, with this outer space-themed release. Zany space metaphors aside, does it come with a friendly water extraterrestrial who can actually explain how to use it?

Introducing Amazon One Enterprise (Preview) – In a stunning move to continue its one-trick-pony march, AWS has released the "One Enterprise" preview, because the only thing better than one type of Amazon enterprise is two, or ten, or a whole hoard! Brace yourself for another wizarding organizational tour-de-force; let’s just hope this one doesn’t vanish like a mirage after a few clicks.

Vector engine for Amazon OpenSearch Serverless now generally available – AWS announces the launch of its new OpenSearch Serverless Vector Engine with as many buzzwords as possible stuffed in. Clearly, "serverless" isn’t just a fad, it’s a way of life. AWS seems determined to make every aspect of technology "serverless", even if it’s simply to outdo Google in the tech-sounding-name race.

Amazon OpenSearch Service zero-ETL integration with Amazon S3 preview now available – Move over, everyone, AWS has just announced the "revolutionary" Zero ETL OpenSearch integration with S3, an innovation only capable by a company with their level of self-awareness. Adding to their already cluttered toolkit, now you can get confused between OpenSearch and Athena when you just want to query your S3 data. Happy days!

Recommend actions that increase brand loyalty with Amazon Personalize Next Best Action – Amazon Web Services has revealed yet another heart-stopping, groundbreaking, (maybe redundant?) service: Amazon Personalize Next Best Action. Because we all know what you need is another tool that uses machine learning to predict your next move. It’s either genius innovation or AWS’s inquisitive A.I. stepping up its game in stalking. It’s Big Brother, but make it AWS.

Amazon Personalize now creates themes for recommendations using generative AI – "Amazon’s finally given us the ability to theme our personalization with their Generative AI, because nothing screams technological breakthrough like being able to turn our Sagemaker models into festivals of gaudy Christmas lights or haunted Halloween houses. I’m eagerly waiting to hear what’s next. Maybe a ‘Changing Seasons’ theme to serve as a somber reminder of the life we once had before cloud computing took over?"

Amazon Q in Connect offers generative AI powered agent assistance in real-time – Once again displaying an uncanny knack for jargon-infested names, Amazon presents us with "Q-Connect" a new Generative AI-powered Agent. Apparently, it provides real-time assistance. So forget about Alexa, Siri or that poor unemployed HAL 9000, Amazon’s got your back with tech support powered by AWS’ over-caffeinated AI.

Announcing Amazon Q expert capabilities for AWS (Preview) – Remember when if you wanted something done you had to learn to do it yourself? Well, AWS is here to change that for quantum computing! Yes, much like an overbearing parent, Amazon’s Q Expert Capabilities will not only do the job for you but will also check your work because, let’s face it, quantum computing is hard and AWS likes to remind us of just how much more they know than we do. Ah, the age of "trust us, we’ve got it covered" continues!

Amazon Q offers help to optimize EC2 instance type selection (preview) – Just when you thought you ran out of hasty, half-baked decisions to make in your life, here comes the new Amazon Q. It’s here to help you make ‘optimal’ EC2 instance selections. Because everyone knows, nothing screams "optimal" like letting a complex algorithm make critical infrastructure decisions based on the wildly fluctuating public pricing of AWS services. Jokes aside, automate carefully, people – somewhere, an FC instances seller is cackling with uncontrollable glee.

AWS Announces Amazon Q is available in preview on the AWS Console Mobile App – In what can only be seen as a measure to ensure the complete depletion of your phone battery, AWS decides to launch a mobile app for the Q Preview console. Say goodbye to those peaceful walks lunch-time walks in the park, you can now obsessively monitor your database storage on the go!

Amazon Q in QuickSight simplifies data exploration with Generative BI capabilities (Preview) – For everyone who had "Generative BI Capabilities" in their AWS buzzword bingo, congratulations! You can now swing your data analysis in ever funkier directions with Quicksight Q’s so-called ‘data exploration’ tools. Because what’s been missing from your scatter plot interpreting experience, no doubt, is some good ol’ AI meddling, right?

Announcing the general availability of Amazon RDS for Db2 – Seems like AWS is on a timezone-hopping journey again, this time releasing Amazon RDS DB2. So now, we can joyfully embrace the nightmares of shuffling DB2 in our cloud landscape – that’s another achievement for sleep disorders in "2023: A Cloud Odyssey."

AWS announces Amazon RDS for MySQL zero-ETL integration with Amazon Redshift (Public Preview) – I hope you folks are all sitting down, because AWS has released a public preview for yet another feature. This time, it’s for zero ETL integration between Amazon RDS for MySQL and Amazon Redshift. I guess they’ve gotten bored with their relentless sunny outlook on digital transformation and decided to take on ETL processing. Hold onto your serverless hats, because sure as S3 buckets leak, we’re about to watch another acronym-infested saga unfold.

Amazon Redshift announces new fine-grained access control capabilities to nested objects (preview) – Finally, Amazon Redshift gets Fine-Grained Access Control Capabilities in preview. Because nothing screams "cutting-edge innovation" like rolling out security features that should probably have been there from the start. But don’t worry, it’s only the data warehouse for your entire corporation.

Amazon Q generative SQL is now available in Amazon Redshift Query Editor (preview) – Whoopee! AWS thought it would be a swell idea to announce the preview of Redshift Generative SQL Query Editor because apparently, managing databases wasn’t torturous enough. Brace yourselves to juggle yet another intricately engineered piece of software to add to your otherwise serene DevOps setup.

Amazon Redshift adds support for incremental refresh for materialized views on data lake tables (preview) – Wow, now you can incrementally refresh materialized views in Redshift data lake tables, because having to refresh the whole damn data lake every time a single piece of new data landed was clearly the height of efficiency. What’s next AWS, giving us ability to search for a single book in Library without having to flip through every book?

Amazon Redshift now supports metadata security to simplify multi-tenant applications – Just when you thought the complexity of AWS couldn’t get any deeper, here comes their "Amazon Redshift Metadata Security for Tenant Applications". Because what everyone was demanding was clearly another convoluted layer of security jargon to navigate through. Can’t wait to see how this adds more gray hairs.

Amazon Redshift now support’s multi-data warehouse writes through data sharing (preview) – Amazon’s Redshift now allows multi-data warehouse writes and data sharing. Or in other words, Amazon’s found yet another way to transform your simple data problems into complex, migraine-inducing nightmares. Because why settle for a linear learning curve when you can make it exponential instead?

Amazon Redshift announces Multidimensional Data Layouts to optimize your query performance (preview) – Amazon has unveiled the "preview" of Redshift’s multidimensional data layouts, because clearly what we need is more dimensions to misplace our data in. AWS continues its proud tradition of making our data even harder to find. It’s like they’ve transformed "needle in a haystack" into "needle in a multidimensional haystack-strewn universe."

Amazon Redshift announces general availability of row-level security enhancements – Amazon Redshift is giving its users row-level security enhancements, almost like a toddler finally learning to sort Legos by color. Only took them till 2023 for what seems like Database 101. I guess Bezos’ shift to the moon slowed things down.

Announcing Amazon Redshift Serverless with AI-driven scaling and optimizations (Preview) – Hooray, another episode of ‘AI Does the Mundane Jobs We Don’t Want To’ is out, this time it’s featuring our old pal Amazon Redshift dealing with serverless scaling. Bold of AWS to presume we trust their AI’s judgement after that whole Rekognition misfire fiasco. Preview currently available for interested masochists!

Announcing enhanced manageability and usability features for Amazon Redshift Serverless – Amazon Redshift is practically auditioning for a part-time job, with its newly launched ‘serverless manageability’ and ‘usability features’. Maybe next it’ll aspire to become “completely autonomous” and tell all of us to take a hike. Hope it doesn’t start unionizing our databases.

Amazon Redshift announces general availability of support for Apache Iceberg – In the great ocean of AWS services, Amazon introduces ‘Iceberg’ support for Redshift. Because hey, why not add another element of chilling uncertainty to your data queries? Remember though, just like the Titanic, your projects may sink faster than you anticipated if you don’t watch out for those ‘icebergs’.

Amazon S3 Access Grants integrate with identity providers to simplify data lake permissions – AWS has yet another "noteworthy" release in its tome of obscurity, this time it’s S3 getting granular with data lake permissions. Brace yourselves folks, for an undoubtedly thrilling episode of fine-tuning your S3 access grants, for precision that no one knew they needed. Hope you didn’t have plans this weekend.

Announcing the Amazon S3 Express One Zone storage class – In a move that screams, "We thought Glacier was just too exciting," AWS introduces ‘Amazon S3 Express One Zone’. Just what we all needed, another S3 storage class to add to the already confusing mix. Now you can keep your data on the cloud equivalent of a flimsy table at a garage sale, ripe for the picking.

Amazon SageMaker Canvas now supports natural language instructions for data preparation – In a move that’s sure to make data scientists feel even more underappreciated, AWS announced SageMaker Canvas for natural language preparation. Make no mistake, "code-free" doesn’t mean "effort-free". Remember, every easy-to-use GUI exists to abstract away an underlying hellscape that only engineers could look at without screaming. Enjoy!

Amazon SageMaker Clarify now supports foundation model (FM) evaluations in preview – Ah, SageMaker Clarify now supports FM evaluations in preview – because who needs a finalized, polished product when you can live life on the edge with AWS! Be sure to bring your "Fail Magnificently" game on for this one.

Amazon SageMaker Distribution is now available on Code Editor based on Code-OSS and JupyterLab – Can’t get enough of cryptic AWS features? Amazon is now giving us SageMaker Code Editor for Distribution Systems, because who doesn’t love a tool that sounds like it was named by throwing darts at a tech jargon dartboard? Great, I’ll just add it to my pile of unused SageMaker features.

Announcing Amazon SageMaker HyperPod, a purpose-built infrastructure for distributed training at scale – Buckle up because AWS has birthed another consonant-choked love child. Behold, Amazon SageMaker HyperPod, which sounds like a secret lair for hyper intelligent plants, but really it’s to accelerate machine learning workflows. Because what AWS’s sprawling product list lacked was something else with SageMaker in the name.

Amazon SageMaker launches new inference capabilities to reduce costs and latency – As if our credits weren’t draining fast enough already, Amazon is here with another update to make our lives easier… at a cost. Now, SageMaker will reduce your model performance latency, but hey, don’t forget to add "where’s my money, Jeff Bezos?" to your daily affirmations chart.

Amazon SageMaker launches a new version of Large Model Inference DLC with TensorRT-LLM support – Oh joy, another acronym-tastic announcement from AWS has landed: SageMaker now supports Large Model Inference DLCs with TensorRT LLM. Let’s play AWS bingo—I’m betting you’ve already dropped out, haven’t you? Here’s a friendly tip, AWS: "More acronyms" is not a feature, no matter how much you want it to be.

Amazon SageMaker Pipelines now provide a simplified developer experience for AI/ML workflows – Well, folks, the house of Bezos is at it again. This time they’ve glued some bits together and gave it a snazzy new name – Amazon SageMaker Pipelines. Because everyone knows, being a developer wasn’t complicated enough already! So, why not throw in some AI/ML conundrum just to spice things up a little?

SageMaker now provides improved SDK tooling and UX for model deployment – In a shocking twist, Amazon has graced us with yet another UX model deployment tool. Because what we really needed was more SageMaker SDK tooling, right? Pretty soon we’ll need a separate service just to manage all these services.

Amazon SageMaker now provides a new setup and onboarding experience on AWS SageMaker console – And lo, in a burst of self-awareness, AWS SageMaker releases a setup and onboarding experience in their console—because who doesn’t love spending more time in the labyrinth that is AWS console? It’s like Christmas came early, if your idea of Christmas is more confusing AWS interfaces!

Amazon SageMaker Studio now provides a faster fully-managed notebooks in JupyterLab – If you like making simple things complicated, you’ll love AWS’s new update to SageMaker Studio with fully managed JupyterLab notebooks. Now you can enjoy being baffled in the cloud, spinning your wheels on machine learning models while trying to figure out what "fully managed" actually means in this context.

Amazon SQS announces support for FIFO dead-letter queue redrive – Just when you thought AWS couldn’t squeeze anymore acronyms into a single service, here comes Amazon with SQS FIFO Dead Letter Queue Redrive. This is for all you message queuing adepts who enjoy toggling through multiple screens whilst also yearning for your messages to disappear into the virtual abyss. Simply magical!

Amazon SQS announces increased throughput quota for FIFO High Throughput mode – Oh great, yet another "upgrade". Amazon has now decided to beef up the SQS throughput quota for FIFO high throughput mode – because apparently, they’re convinced we’re all trying to run Netflix out of our basements. Can’t wait to see the bill for this "improvement".

Amazon Titan Image Generator foundation model in Amazon Bedrock now available in preview – In a brand new move, AWS released its latest resource on the services shelf, Amazon Titan Image Generator. Apparently, your EC2 instances just weren’t enough. So now, in a continuous pursuit of emptying our pockets, you can also render high-quality images like a snazzy bespoke tailor for UIs. Just make sure you’re not too busy admiring those pretty interfaces that you forget the monstrous bill heading your way.

Amazon Titan Text models—Express and Lite—now generally available in Amazon Bedrock – In another groundbreaking announcement, Amazon is taking on the mattress industry by launching Titan Models Express Lite Bedrock. Although they failed to sneak in "titanic", "murder", or "in my pajamas" into the product name, stay tuned to see if Amazon starts shipping physical rocks with ‘express’ delivery next.

Amazon Titan Multimodal Embeddings foundation model now generally available in Amazon Bedrock – Great news, everyone! AWS just unleashed an AI model named "Titan" that provides multi-modal embeddings, perfect for adding more chaos to your already muddled machine learning workflow. But fret not, AWS reassures it’s their ‘bedrock’ – because if anyone knows bedrock, it’s Bezos’ Blue Origin, amiright?

Amazon Transcribe Call Analytics now offers generative call summarization (preview) – Talk about a long-winded way to say "We made voice mail cool." AWS has now rolled out a fancy-sounding ‘Generative Call Summarization’ under Transcribe Call Analytics. Essentially, it turns your hour-long not-so-pleasurable customer support calls into a summary you can read in 5 minutes. At least now we don’t have to play the dreadful game of ‘hunt for the useful part in the call’.

Powered by foundation model, Amazon Transcribe now supports over 100 languages – In the grand, ongoing opera of AWS’ game of linguistic bingo, everyone’s favorite transcription service, Amazon Transcribe, now supports over 100 languages. Too bad it can’t help me decode the cryptic love-language of AWS service pricing. You might say, it’s a "polyglot’s" dream, or a billing analyst’s nightmare.

Amazon WorkSpaces Multi-Region Resilience launches one-way data replication – Oh perfect, because what everyone clearly needs is yet another replication tool. This time, Amazon is treating us to one-way replication for WorkSpaces across different regions. So if accidentally deleting everything in one region wasn’t quite catastrophic enough for you, now you can do it across multiple regions! Buckle up, chaos lovers.

Amazon WorkSpaces Thin Client is now generally available – Oh great, Amazon WorkSpaces now offers "thin client" support, because what the world really needed was a way to make our already anemic desktops even skinnier. In this Atkins-style tech diet, apparently emaciated equals efficiency.

Announcing preview of AMB Access Polygon, serverless access to Polygon blockchain – AWS just launched AMB Access Polygon Serverless Blockchain in preview because that’s exactly what we’ve all been missing from our lives. Now you can redundantly run your unicorn startup on "polygon serverless blockchain," whatever that actually means. Ever wanted to drive yourself mad with buzzwords while overspending? AWS has you covered.

Announcing API support for creating Amazon SageMaker Notebook jobs – Let’s give a huge eyeroll for the latest from the code wizards at AWS. They’ve paved a golden path to fire off SageMaker Notebook jobs via API, because apparently what the world needs right now are more ways to automate machine learning execution. Educational institutions are thrilled, now their freshmen can accidentally mine bitcoin five times faster than before!

New Discover Apps page for PartyRock, an Amazon Bedrock Playground – In yet another innovative move, AWS presents "APP Discovery Page: Partyrock Bedrock Playground" (Could they not find a lengthier name?). It’s like AWS finally answered our prayers for a mystery feature that no one asked for, wrapped in a branding strategy that creates more questions than answers. Now, off to the playground!

Application Load Balancer can authenticate X.509 certificate based identities with Mutual TLS support – AWS recently announced that Application Load Balancer can now authenticate with x509 certificate-based identities. So, if you’re into being gatekept by pretty much the tech version of a nightclub bouncer on a power trip, have at it. Be prepared for your certificate’s awkward backstories and the uncomfortable silence when ALB denies your entry.

Application Load Balancer increases application availability with Automatic Target Weights – In another episode of AWS feature binge, they’ve just launched the ‘Application Load Balancer Availability Target Weights’, ensuring that your traffic is as precisely balanced as a gymnast on a tightrope. Nothing screams "we’re a cloud provider micromanaging our services" more than assigning target weights to your application load. Make sure you don’t spend more time trying to understand these advanced features than you save by using them.

Assisted Slot Resolution with Generative AI – "Roll up, roll up, AWS’s latest circus act: Assisted Slot-Resolution with Generative AI. They’ve basically taught Alexa to play 20 questions for better ‘assisted slot-resolution’, just what we needed, another roundabout way to get Alexa to understand we need toothpaste, when what we really need is an easy way not to run out of toothpaste in the first place."

Automate AWS Control Tower landing zone operations using APIs – Finally, working with AWS Control Tower feels slightly less like trying to land a 747 with your hands tied. AWS has rolled out APIs to automate zone operations, proving once again that every single AWS announcement boils down to more automation, and here we were thinking that the whole ‘Tower’ thing was about having Jesus take the wheel.

Announcing new AWS AI Service Cards – to advance responsible AI – In a bold endeavor to make artificial intelligence more like trading card games, AWS AI Service Cards are here. Prediction: collectible card players everywhere will now start saying "I’m quitting Magic The Gathering for AWS!" Can’t wait for the AWS card black market to sprout up.

AWS announces Amazon Q (Preview) – In their never-ending quest to unleash hordes of alpha releases on the unsuspecting world, AWS has spawned another brainchild: Amazon Q. This delightful addition to our ever-growing list of tech acronyms joins their overcomplicated attempt to make quantum computing mainstream. God speed if you attempt to spell this out to Alexa.

AWS Analytics simplify users’ data access across services with IAM Identity Center – In a fascinating but somehow unsurprising twist, AWS has just announced a cryptic way to let analytics users access data through the IAM identity center. Yes, because there’s nothing we needed more in our lives than yet another way to navigate the complex love-hate relationship we all have with IAM. Buckle up, folks! Brush up on your cloud alphabet soup!

AWS AppFabric’s new generative AI feature helps build cross-app experiences (Preview) – In yet another twist, AWS has rolled out its ‘AppFabrics Generative AI’ feature in a cross-app preview, presumably to let your apps generate more terrible business ideas autonomously. I can’t wait to see machine-learned spaghetti thrown at the SaaS wall in hues of green and gold.

AWS Application Composer announces AWS Step Functions Workflow Studio integration – Oh joy, AWS has given us the Application Composer for Step Functions and Workflow Studio. Because we clearly don’t have enough ways already to concoct convoluted workflows invisibly without complaining to the number of stacks added, right? I’m put at ease knowing that we’re another layer abstracted from what’s actually going on. Thanks, AWS!

AWS AppSync improves support for Amazon Aurora clusters configured with the RDS Data API – Ah, another day, another AWS mash-up. This time, AWS AppSync decided to play matchmaker with Aurora Clusters and RDS Data API to enhance your real-time performance… or give you real-time headaches. Cheers to you if you could follow that without a PhD in AWS-ology!

Announcing AWS B2B Data Interchange – In their infinite mercy, AWS has graced us with ‘B2B Data Interchange’, a modern wonder that will supposedly make data exchange simpler and faster! Basically, it’s an expensive digital mailbox service that – wait for it – allows you to send and receive files! Don’t they know emails were invented way back in the 70s? But hey, this is AWS, repackaging old tech and slapping "innovation" onto it is their thing.

AWS Backup now supports Amazon Elastic Block Store (EBS) Snapshots Archive – Oh look, AWS Backup finally got the memo about EBS snapshots and now offers to archive them. Apparently, storing snapshots at excessively high costs for the "just in case" scenario wasn’t cutting it for their pricing model, so they’re aiming for the "archive that, will probably never use" storage tier.

AWS Backup launches support for restore testing – In a groundbreaking move that can only be described as "yawn inducing," AWS has bravely ventured into the thrilling world of backup and restore testing. Now, you too can enjoy the rush of simulated data loss! Buckle up for the roller-coaster ride that is making sure your hard-to-replace files are actually recoverable!

Announcing Data Exports for AWS Billing and Cost Management – Ah, AWS has given us the gift of billing and cost management data exports. Now, let’s all pretend we won’t be drowning in spreadsheets trying to decipher what ‘BlendedCost’ means, or why ‘scavenger-hunt-for-credits’ counts as an official cost allocation tag. Remember, ‘cloud cost management’ is just another term for ‘dive into the rabbit hole of cloud finance.’

AWS Built-in Competency Partner software automates Installation for customers – In its never-ending quest to construct opaque titles that only the most dedicated of tech nerds could love, AWS hits a new high note with the unveiling of the magical ‘Built-In Competency Partner Software’. Can’t wait to automate the absolutely exhilarating process of software installation – just another wall in AWS’s fort of overwhelming complexity.

AWS Chatbot now supports Amazon Q conversations in Microsoft Teams and Slack – In the latest attempt to conquer the world, AWS now lets you chat with Q, a bot that can converse within your Teams and Slack channels. Now your work chat can also be filled with more talking points, AWS updates, and potentially a heavy dose of sarcasm, because apparently, your AWS overload wasn’t enough on its own.

AWS Clean Rooms Differential Privacy is now available in preview – In another episode of "Nonsensical Titles in AWS’ Low-Budget Novella", AWS Clean Rooms with Differential Privacy is now in preview. Because we all know how concerned Day 1 AWS users are about privacy — we have yet another tool to figure out on hundred-page-long documentation. Isn’t it great now we can also score a degree in cleaning along with cloud computing?

AWS Clean Rooms ML is now available in preview – In an effort to convince us they’ve mastered both cleanliness and machine learning simultaneously, AWS presents its "Clean Rooms for ML". Making us wonder if they’ve entered the janitorial tech space, it turns out it’s just another lofty promise to help data scientists keep track of their messy ML models.

AWS CloudFormation introduces Git management of stacks – "Finally, AWS CloudFormation has figured out how to integrate with Git for managing stacks. Now you can bask in the glow of version control, just in time for the discovery of hot water and the wheel. Score one for the Bronze Age!"

AWS CloudTrail Lake data now available for zero-ETL analysis in Amazon Athena – In the latest episode of making things more complex than necessary, AWS has birthed CloudTrail Lake – a brilliant stroke of marketing to badge yet another ETL analysis tool. They’ve decided to link it to Athena too – because who doesn’t love the thrill of unpredictable costs from an unbounded query service?

AWS announces CloudWatch Logs Anomaly Detection and Pattern analysis – So, CloudWatch Logs now tries to spot the weird stuff in your logging data with new anomaly detection and pattern analysis. Assuming your logs aren’t already 90% mystery already, this might be a fun feature. Just don’t forget, every time you find an anomaly, an AWS intern gets their wings.

AWS Compute Optimizer introduces customizable rightsizing recommendations for EC2 Instances – Oh great! AWS Compute Optimizer decided we’re not competent enough to select the right EC2 instance and now offers "customizable" rightsizing. So, another feature to add to the list of AWS tooling trying to save us from our own cloud failures. It’s like getting fashion advice from a tailor who earns more when your clothes don’t fit.

AWS Config launches generative AI-powered natural language querying (Preview) – One upping their game in a play to outwit the competition, AWS releases another cryptically named product, Config Generative AI-Powered Natural Language Querying. Because nothing screams user-friendly quite like conversing with your services in plain English and getting responded to as if you’re caught in a vortex of techno-babble law jargon. Let’s see if this new trick can actually decipher my query: "Why AWS naming makes no sense?"

AWS Config now supports periodic recording: Efficiently scale your change tracking – AWS must have heard you like updates, so they’ve added periodic recording to AWS Config, because a constant stream of changes wasn’t hard enough to track. Now you can basically schedule your spontaneous "what-the-hell-happened" moments throughout the day. Enjoy!

Announcing AWS Console-to-Code (Preview) to generate code for console actions – Seems like AWS has come up with Console to Code Preview, a tool as absurdly over-engineered as its name, to convert console actions into code. Well, we all know that’s the AWS way of saying, "Hey, we’ve made code-writing even more insignificant!" Brace yourselves, coders; coding tyranny continues.

AWS Control Tower announces 65 new controls to help meet digital sovereignty requirements – AWS has flamboyantly announced a jazzy new feature with 65 controls for digital sovereignty requirements in Control Tower. I’m sure that’s sparked a wild rave in the probably six people worldwide who even know what Control Tower is. Who knew sovereignty in the digital age would be a one-click affair? Welcome to the era of bureaucratic cloud management.

Request a Cyber Insurance Quote from an AWS Cyber Insurance Competency Partner – AWS is now endorsing cyber insurance partners, because nothing says "we believe in the impermeability of our security services" like suggesting you get yourself some good ol’ insurance, just in case. What’s next? AWS Life Insurance for those intense all-night coding marathons?

Announcing DR drill validation automation for AWS Elastic Disaster Recovery – In another baffling move, AWS has unveiled Elastic Disaster Recovery, a tool to validate DR drills. With all the gall of a teenager who forgot to study for their final exam and is now attempting to sweet-talk their teacher into believing they did, AWS seems absolutely certain this tool is the life raft your disaster-stricken infrastructure needs. Sure, why not throw ‘elastic’ in front of it and see if it recovers from its own impending disaster too.

Announcing AWS Elastic Disaster Recovery in the AWS GovCloud (US) Regions – Ah, AWS Elastic Disaster Recovery is now available in GovCloud regions. Because nothing eases the fear of cataclysmic disaster like the warm reassuring hug of Elastic services, right? Can I get a guvvy high five for uninterrupted service, folks?

AWS Entity Resolution is now Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA) eligible – Amazon has exciting news! AWS Entity Resolution is now HIPAA eligible, meaning it will totally respect your privacy while precisely identifying how broke you are from your medical bills. Because nothing says fast healthcare like an AI service that speed reads your sensitive documents.

AWS Fault Injection Service launches two highly requested scenarios – AWS Fault Injection Service has added two new ‘requested’ scenarios. Well, isn’t it lovely that they’re tacking on new ways for things to break, or rather simulate breakage. Like adding extra sprinkles on a complicated sundae; oh, the delights of AWS. They’re determined to let us pretend to blow up our services in ever more creative ways!

AWS Free Tier usage is now available through the GetFreeTierUsage API – In their infinite benevolence, AWS lords have gifted us yet another tool – an API to track usage of the infamously hard-to-understand free tier, or as I like to call, "the bait of the pay-as-you-go pricing model". Thanks AWS, now customers can program their way to understanding why their "free" tier services ended up costing them half a paycheck.

AWS Glue Data Catalog supports multi engine views with AWS Analytics Engines – With the excitement of a kid in a candy store, AWS announces "multi-engine views" for its Glue Data Catalog. Apparently they’ve discovered the magic of allowing users to use more than one analytics engine. Truly groundbreaking. I guess we should have a parade or something.

AWS Glue Data Quality announces anomaly detection and dynamic rules – "How adorable! AWS introduces anomaly detection to Glue’s data quality rules. Because who doesn’t love the surprise of operations becoming a wretched game of ‘Where’s Waldo?’ but for your data anomalies. It’s like babysitting unruly misfits from your data set during a full moon night."

AWS Healthscribe is now generally available – In true AWS fashion, they’ve rolled out yet another loosely healthcare-related service not covered by your standard health insurance. Meet AWS HealthScribe, the service that plays ‘telephone game’ with your medical records. Don’t worry about AI malpractices though – it’s probably HIPAA compliant, right?

AWS IoT SiteWise Edge Now Available on Siemens Industrial Edge Marketplace (Preview) – AWS IoT SiteWise is getting all buddy-buddy with Siemens Industrial Edge Marketplace- because nothing screams "modernity" and "time-saving" like clashing two technology giants together and hoping for a spark. Brace yourselves for a mash-up of jargon-laden services that will spectacularly complicate your existing edge-to-cloud workflows. AWS continues its tradition of gobbling up tech trends for breakfast and regurgitating them as services with names that stretch all over the place.

AWS IoT SiteWise announces Query API for metadata, and telemetry data retrieval – AWS has just announced a new addition to the endlessly wordy API collection with IoT SiteWise Query API for your Metadata and Telemetry Retrieval needs. I guess their thesaurus had a few more terms to use. Good news for telemetry addicts and folks who can’t get enough metadata.

AWS IoT SiteWise now supports Asset model components – Ah yes, AWS IoT SiteWise has now learned the art of supporting model components for your assets. Just when you thought your IoT life couldn’t get any more thrilling, AWS swoops in like a beacon of enlightened optimism. Can’t wait for the 100-conference-call-explainer on how this ‘enhance’ my cloud journey.

AWS announces support for large language models in Amazon Redshift ML (Preview) – In a move that’s as surprising as sunshine in the Sahara, AWS has now added Large Language Models to Redshift ML. So now your overloaded data warehouse can not only chug along slower than a herd of snails traveling through peanut butter, but squeeze in some advanced language learning like it’s cramming for a linguistics final. Can’t wait for the next innovation – maybe they’ll teach Redshift to write Shakespearean sonnets.

Introducing AWS Mainframe Modernization Application Testing (Preview) – AWS is now offering a "Mainframe Modernization" service for testing applications. Because apparently, there’s nothing like shoving fresh, modern tests onto a system that predates color television, and expecting sparks of innovation to fly. At some point, AWS might admit to actually being a retirement home for old tech.

AWS Mainframe Modernization File Transfer with BMC is now generally available – In their ongoing quest to make the word "modernization" lose all meaning, AWS has rolled out ‘AWS Mainframe Modernization’, sounding like someone blast from IBM’s past woke up and decided to give AWS’s nearest S3 bucket a 1980s makeover. They’re enabling file transfers from Big Iron to AWS with all the ease of explaining Bitcoin to your grandpa.

AWS Mainframe Modernization Replatform with NTT DATA is now available – Well, folks, AWS Mainframe Modernization has thundered onto the scene, teaming up with NTT Data, like an old rock band reuniting for one last tour. What they’re promising here is essentially an aging rocker in spandex and cowboy boots, strumming the chords of “legacy-to-cloud” transitions while wrestling with the complex choreography of modern dances. It’s a sight to behold, I assure you.

AWS Mainframe Modernization Data Replication with Precisely is now available for IBM i – Looks like AWS has discovered the elixir of youth – for mainframes though, not for you or me. With their "Mainframe Modernization", they promise to transform your grey-haired IBM i into a trendy hipster with a mocha latte. Maybe next, they’ll offer a service to turn my old VHS tapes into Instagram stories.

Announcing AWS Marketplace APIs for sellers – In an effort to keep sellers trapped in the vortex that is AWS Marketplace, they’ve decided to release new APIs –because what the AWS ecosystem needs is definitely more APIs. Now, not only can you lose yourself in their vast myriad of services, but also delve deep into the labyrinth of APIs instead of selling your actual product. Achieving your business goals can wait!

AWS Partner CRM Connector now supports AWS Marketplace – In a shocking twist that surprises absolutely no one, AWS has rolled out their CRM connector marketplace, no doubt to ensconce you firmly into using even more of their services than you already are. Rest assured, folks, they haven’t quite started making their own customers… yet.

AWS Partner Network launches new Amazon EKS Ready Specialization – In a move to keep their services as unmemorable as their acronyms, AWS presents: EKS Ready Specialization. Now partners of the AWS network can have their EKS expertise officially recognized because, of course, navigating AWS services without a literal badge of certification would just be too easy. AWS – always there, adding more layers of complexity to your cloud journey.

Introducing AWS Resilience Competency Partners – AWS has announced their Resilience Competency Partners, aka “consultants who will help you keep your AWS bill as resilient as their services during an outage”. Now you too can pay someone else to tell you what went wrong with your cloud architecture — isn’t it the best outsourcing scenario you could come up with?

AWS SDK for Kotlin is now generally available – In a move that will ignite the hearts of the two people who actually use it, Amazon has lovingly launched the AWS SDK for Kotlin. Yes, you heard it right – Amazon saw a niche language that wasn’t covered with its own SDK and just couldn’t resist. Why fix the towering, convoluted maze that is IAM when you could be playing with a new software toy?

AWS SDK for Rust is now generally available – In case you weren’t doing enough mental gymnastics, AWS sees your cries for help and raises you the new AWS SDK for Rust. Now you can add "wrestling with Rust" to your ever-growing list of hobbies while trying to figure out how to pay AWS less. Stay tuned for the complimentary aspirin.

AWS Secrets Manager now supports batch retrieval of secrets – In a move that’s sure to make misplacing crucial information even more efficient, AWS has introduced batch retrieval in Secrets Manager. Now, instead of individually losing each of your precious secrets, you can misplace them in bulk! Multitasking at its finest, friends.

Announcing new central configuration capabilities in AWS Security Hub – Looks like AWS has just introduced an "aws-security-hub-central-configuration" to simplify security tasks and alerts. I guess they got tired of having their service compared to a frenzied octopus trying to solve a Rubik’s Cube. Now, instead of juggling hundreds of different security alerts, you’ll just have one centralized, likely equally confusing, system to contend with.

AWS Step Functions launches support for HTTPS endpoints and a new TestState API – Quit your job everyone, because AWS Step Functions now supports HTTPS endpoints with its TestState API. Because we all know the things stopping you from making that shift were sleepless nights worrying about whether your Step Functions HTTPS endpoints were functional. A word of advice AWS, we’d be more impressed if you eradicated server crashes during peak Black Friday sales.

AWS Step Functions launches optimized integration for Amazon Bedrock – AWS has finally announced Step Functions’ integration with Bedrock, because apparently our prayers for flying cars and teleportation devices were too unrealistic to be answered. It’s a helpful development, sure, but pardon my overjoyed enthusiasm as I shout "Hallelujah!" from the rooftops.

AWS Support launches AWS Countdown with a premium tier – Because AWS knows you love paying more for less like an ‘Artisanal’ Whole Foods shopper, they’re now offering a Countdown Premium Tier. For an unmentioned higher price, you get all the mystery, suspense, and excitement of not knowing if and when your support queries will be answered!

AWS Systems Manager Automation makes it easier to author runbooks with new low-code visual design experience – AWS has announced Systems Manager Automation now lets you author runbooks. Now you can let AWS hold your hand through the automation process so you don’t run off into the land of "likely outages". Never fear, the big friendly cloud is here to make sure you’re coloring within the lines!

Announcing Lens Catalog for the AWS Well-Architected Tool – In their ever benevolent wisdom, AWS has bestowed upon us the Well-Architected Tool Lens Catalog. A tool so well-crafted, it navigates the vast Sahara of AWS services much better than you ever could after your third cold brew of the day. Buckle up and get ready to analyze your cloud ‘ops’ with the precision of a rusty spoon.

Boost generative AI application development with Agents for Amazon Bedrock – You thought it ended with SageMaker? Well, allow me to present to you Amazon’s charming new creation, generative AI development with Bedrock. It’s exactly what you need if you’ve sorted through all of the thousands of existing AWS services and decided, yes, the thing we lack is a neural network to generate letters in a random order. The name’s appropriate, as I foresee digging under my bedrock of patience to understand another enigmatic AWS feature.

Claude 2.1 foundation model from Anthropic is now generally available in Amazon Bedrock – It appears Amazon Bedrock is serving up its latest concoction, the Claude 2.1 Foundation Model, to woo us away from sensible sleep cycles. Anthropic is yet another buzzword Amazon has taken hostage – it’s unclear though if copywriters understand it means relating to human beings, and not a new type of rare bird species.

CloudWatch now supports hybrid and multicloud metrics querying and alarming – Get stoked, folks. AWS, in their infinite creativity, introduced CloudWatch Hybrid Multicloud Metrics Querying & Alarming – the name alone nearly maxed out my Twitter character limit. Now, instead of slogging through messy piles of data in various, disjointed clouds, you can struggle with it all in the comfortable confines of AWS’ Cloudwatch. Progress!

Announcing Code Editor, based on Code-OSS (VS Code – Open Source), in Amazon SageMaker Studio – In an apparent bid to out-feature every text editor used since the dawn of computing, AWS introduces a code editor in Amazon Sagemaker Studio. Because what the world really needs is another code editor, right? Brace yourselves as Amazon skillfully weaves in ML services into a text editor and makes one wonder if it can also brew a decent cup of coffee.

Continued pre-training in Amazon Bedrock now available in preview – In the most recent display of AI-powered, buzzword-infused jargon, AWS announces the "continued pre-training" of Amazon Bedrock. Apparently, AWS AI predictions haven’t disrupted markets enough, so they’re now pre-disrupting their own software. Bravo for the linguistic gymnastics, AWS.

Introducing Cost Optimization Hub – Nothing quite says "we know our services are ridiculously complicated" like AWS releasing a brand new Cost Optimization Hub. Try to unravel the mystery of what exactly you’re paying for with our handy new tool that is inherently admitting things could have been cheaper all along.

Announcing the Cost and Usage Dashboard powered by Amazon QuickSight – In the latest "why didn’t we do this sooner" moment, AWS has finally introduced a cost usage dashboard in Amazon QuickSight. Until now, you had to jump through hoops and do a double backflip just to find out why your AWS bill was skyrocketing. It was easier to find Bigfoot while blindfolded than finding a way to track cost usage in QuickSight. Now let’s just hope the dashboard doesn’t cost more than the savings it helps to identify.

New from AWS: You can now customize security controls in AWS Security Hub – Oh great! Just what we needed, AWS Security Hub now lets you customize security controls. As if trying to navigate AWS wasn’t enough like exploring deep into Amazonian rainforest, now we’re given an exciting new mechanic set to fine tune and lose ourselves inside. Let’s hope our security settings don’t turn out like a DIY disaster.

Announcing major dashboard enhancements in AWS Security Hub – In the outpouring of revolutionary ideas, AWS gained sudden inspiration and gave us…adjusted security hub widgets! Now, users can resize, rearrange, and rename widgets in their fancy shmancy Security Hub dashboards. This is earth-shattering progress folks – next, they’ll tell us we can change the colours too!

Accelerate data lake queries with Amazon Athena and Amazon S3 Express One Zone – So AWS decided to rework Athena to give customers the "fast lane" experience with S3 express and one-zone storage classes. I love how Amazon’s response to data lake analysis taking forever is "Let us double our offering and see if you’d like to part with more money!" I was under the impression the cloud was supposed to make things simpler.

Accelerate data processing and analysis with Amazon EMR and Amazon S3 Express One Zone – Well folks, our AWS overlords have done it again with some alphabet soup they call Amazon EMR S3 Express One Zone. Apparently, in their quest to give you endless price point options, they’re now letting you store your data in a cheaper ‘one zone’ instead of a multi-Availability Zone. Because who needs data resiliency when you’ve got a tight budget, am I right?

Descriptive Bot Builder with Generative AI – In a fervent quest to automate everything, AWS now proudly presents the Descriptive Bot Builder using Generative AI. So now, not only can you have an AI bot, but also one that can prattle on endlessly about itself in Aguada cave-wall-etching detail. Break out the celebratory champagne folks, the future is here and it’s verbose!

ENA Express supports 58 new instances with sizes as small as 16 vCPUs – Behold, the tech gods at AWS have bestowed upon us the ENA Express 58, because what the world really needs is yet another instance size! Now you can have a whopping 16 vCPUs to lose in the abyss of your poorly optimized applications. Just what we needed – more power to fuel our inability to micro optimize!

Announcing enhanced capabilities for Partner-Led Support – AWS has just added "Enhanced Capabilities for Partner-Led Support," which loosely translates to "we’re offloading more responsibility to our partners so we don’t have to deal with your issues." Enjoy decoding what that really means and how much more it’s going to cost you!

Evaluate, compare, and select the best FMs for your use case in Amazon Bedrock (Preview) – Ah, just what we needed, another evaluation tool from AWS. Amazon Bedrock now offers the much needed ‘Pick Your FMS Use-Case’ tool. Because nothing screams ‘simple’ like a tool to help you select from the vast, ever-expanding, and mind-numbing array of AWS services.

Announcing feature development capability of Amazon Q (Preview) in Amazon CodeCatalyst – In a move that makes us all question our life choices, Amazon has bestowed us with the ‘Amazon Q Preview CodeCatalyst’ feature. Because apparently what the world needs is more overly complicated buzzword-laden products steeped in AWS vernacular. Congratulations Amazon, your thirst for confounding us continues unabated.

FreeRTOS roadmap and code contribution process now published on – I see AWS has finally published the FreeRTOS roadmap and code contribution process, nicely packaged for all to see at Feeling rather generous aren’t we, AWS? But let’s not forget, it’s as if they’re saying "Here’s our mess, now help us clean it up."

FSx for ONTAP now supports creating Multi-AZ file systems in Shared VPC participant accounts – In a move that screams "We’re making this up as we go along," AWS now lets FSx ONTAP multi-AZ file systems play nice with VPC participant accounts. A much-needed spa day for your IT infrastructure, or just another alphabet soup to wrap your head around? Only time will tell.

Announcing the general availability of AWS re:Post Private – In another bold move to help you overwhelm your basement, AWS introduces Re:Post Private! Now you can recreate the chaos of your office mailroom in the privacy of your own cloud. Because why should "securing your mail" be simpler than "compiling a serverless application stack"?

IAM Access Analyzer introduces custom policy checks powered by automated reasoning – Just when you gave up on understanding IAM policies, AWS squeezes in IAM Access Analyzer custom policy check! Your fleeting sense of control in a service that’s more complicated than solving a Rubik’s cube blindfolded, is back. Great job, AWS, for adding more complexity instead of simplifying things!

IAM Access Analyzer now simplifies inspecting unused access to guide you toward least privilege – And here we have another "innovation" from AWS – a watchdog that reports on unused access. Getting a bit paranoid, aren’t we AWS? Or maybe just looking for new ways to keep us busy. Oh well, at least they’re not charging for this… yet.

Introducing an Integrated Development Environment (IDE) extension for AWS Application Composer – Oh great, another IDE extension. This time it’s for AWS Application Composer. Because when I wake up, after my morning crying jags, I think "What could make my life worse?" Not war, famine, or pestilence – no, an IDE extension for a service that somewhat competently worked without one. Thank you, AWS, you’ve outdone yourselves.

Leverage FMs for business analysis at scale with Amazon SageMaker Canvas – Ah, finally, Amazon’s AWS is giving us the ability to optimize FMS analysis at scale with SageMaker Canvas. Always reassuring when they roll out new tools to make their already complex system even more indecipherable. I mean, who doesn’t love drawing an artistic masterpiece on a canvas named after a wise person, right?

Llama 2 70B foundation model from Meta is now available in Amazon Bedrock – Ah yes, the Llama 2.70B foundation model, where Amazon literally puts bedrock in their cloud. It seems like they think they’re building Minecraft here. But hey, who needs conventional metaphors and terms when you can just invent weird names for your services?

You can now manage and back up FSx for ONTAP FlexGroup volumes using the AWS Console and API – In a world where half the internet’s job is to make copies of stuff and the other half is to lose them, AWS moves the chains with a way to back up FSx for NetApp FlexGroup volumes. Because the AWS Console and API just weren’t complicated enough, now you get to explore exciting new ways to misconfigure your data backups. Strap up, adventurers!

Meta Llama 2, Cohere Command Light, and Amazon Titan FMs can now be fine-tuned in Amazon Bedrock – AWS just unleashed ‘Meta Llama 2 Cohere Command Light Amazon Titan FMS Bedrock’, a service that sounds more like a failed attempt at a punk rock band name than an AWS product. Seriously, did they just throw all the rejected product names into a blender and see what mess spilled out, or is there an AI that makes up these titles as part of its deep learning experiment in absurdity?

Mountpoint for Amazon S3 CSI driver is now generally available – In an attempt to keep sounding intelligent, AWS unveils Mount Point for Amazon S3 CSI Driver. Gosh, do we really need more AWS services that sound like an unaired Star Trek series? Buckle up, because the only thing this service guarantees is an exponential increase in your difficulty navigating AWS’s ever-complicated console.

Mountpoint for Amazon S3 now supports the Amazon S3 Express One Zone storage class – In a bold move, Amazon presents yet another service that sounds like a side quest in a discount RPG – Mountpoint S3 Express One Zone. Now your data can enjoy the thrill of residing in just a single data center, because apparently 2023 is the year redundancy decided to take a vacation.

Announcing Multi-Account Experiments for AWS Fault Injection Service – Great, now AWS Fault Injection Service allows multi-account experiments, because what everyone really needs is more stress testing for all those extra AWS accounts they accidentally on-purpose created. AWS, enabling chaos engineering at scale or maybe just chaos… It’s hard to tell sometimes.

myApplications: One place to view and manage your applications on AWS – Ah, behold! Amazon Web Services is graciously letting you view AND manage applications right from the console. I mean, who knew that taking a leaf out of 2009 and providing a bird’s eye view of applications was such an advanced feature in cloud computing? AWS continues its proud tradition of innovating like it’s the late 2000s.

Announcing new finding enrichment in AWS Security Hub – Oh, lo-and-behold, AWS Security Hub can now enrich your threat findings. Because clearly when a security threat pops up in your system, your first thought is: "How can I enrich this?" Well, fear no more, your security nightmares just got a lot more fascinating.

New and improved Amazon SageMaker Studio – It’s like Amazon read through our collective dream diary and made all our midnight musings come true; they’ve unleashed a "new and improved" SageMaker Studio. Because nothing quite says innovation like slapping the tag ‘new and improved’ on an existing product. Maybe next time they’ll entertain us with ‘Amazon 2.0’.

AWS announces OR1 for Amazon OpenSearch Service – In another episode of ‘AWS Renames Things,’ we now have the excitingly named OR1 (because nothing screams innovation like alphabets and numbers) for Amazon OpenSearch Service. Brace yourself for a riveting experience of excitement usually reserved for watching paint dry as you enjoy the new, ground-breaking features like… existent default settings, and the ability to configure OpenSearch. The future is now, folks!

Redshift provisioned concurrency scaling and serverless autoscaling now supports Create Table As Select (CTAS) – AWS Redshift just did the IT version of a triple axle with their provisioned concurrency scaling, serverless autoscaling CTAS. Now you can over-provision, overspend, and overlook scaling with an added jargony moniker that sounds like a new type of tax-advantaged investment account. Now that’s innovation with a capital AWS.

Amazon Route 53 Application Recovery Controller launches zonal autoshift – AWS released Route 53 Application Recovery Zonal Autoshift, an overly convoluted name for what is basically a "move my stuff easily to another region" button. A service with a name that sounds more like a Star Trek maneuver than a cloud feature, we still get the blessed ability to shift workloads without needing a degree in AWS arcana. Now, let’s hope the ‘Autoshift’ won’t auto-shift our budget into another galaxy too.

Announcing SaaS Quick Launch for AWS Marketplace – Amazon comes riding in on a cloud-spun chariot with their shiny new "SAAS Quick Launch", an all-in-one marketplace solution. I can only imagine some poor soul screaming, "Finally! I can circumvent all the complex AWS architecture and launch my SaaS app within minutes!" Don’t fret, they still get the pleasure of untangling the AWS billing jargon.

Announcing smart sifting of data for Amazon SageMaker Model Training in preview – Evidently, AWS has evolved from mustering underpaid interns to sift through your data, to employing SageMaker for the same job. But here’s the kicker, they’re terming it as ‘smart sifting’ for model training. Gather around folks, it’s time to witness the wonders of AI’s ability to do underwhelming jobs with an overhyped introduction.

Announcing Solution Building Enablement for Partners – In a freshly packaged announcement, AWS introduces yet another service I didn’t know I needed: "Solution Building Enablement for Partners." In classic AWS style, the name alone earns it a 9.8 on the "What-the-hell-does-that-even-mean" scale. Hopefully for us all, the service will prove to be more coherent than its word-salad title.

Stable Diffusion XL 1.0 foundation model from Stability AI is now generally available in Amazon Bedrock – In true AWS fashion, they’ve now released the Stable Diffusion XL 1.0 Foundation Model on Amazon Bedrock, which sounds like a new superhero sequel nobody asked for. What next, a custom ringtone with Jeff Bezos laughing every time your data processing job fails? Look, I’m all for innovation, but maybe instead of turning out new AWS services faster than I can mock them, they could just focus on fixing the ones they already have.

Amazon Web Services announces Unified Billing and Cost Management console – Ah, another day, another episode of "Just when you thought it couldn’t get more confusing." AWS is now ready to flummox us further with their Unified Billing and Cost Management Console. Next time you can’t find where your money disappeared to, remember the hidden "Unified" part.

New updates automatically accelerate Amazon S3 data transfer for ML training – Looks like AWS is taking its leisurely cross-country walk approach to S3 data transfer improvements. I mean, why rush when you can give us a trickle of improvements once in a blue moon to enjoy with our morning coffee? They’ve squeezed out some more fractions of performance, perfect for our ML training which tends to run at the same pace as continental drift.

AWS announces vector search for Amazon DocumentDB – In the latest case of "because we can" announcements, AWS now lets you do vector searches in Amazon DocumentDB. For the five people out there enthusiastically waiting for this, it’s Christmas come early! For the rest of us mere mortals still trying to figure out our left join from our right, it’s just Tuesday with a side of unnecessary complexity.

AWS announces vector search for Amazon MemoryDB for Redis (Preview) – Sound the bugles, AWS is promising you can now use vector search in their MemoryDB for Redis to instantly fetch almost sorta similar items. That’s right folks, assume the role of a high tech bloodhound and sniff out your ‘close-enough’ data matches with precision, this time in preview mode! Because, why deal with exact, straightforward data matches when you can add a little chaos in your life?

Virtualization for SPARC on AWS with Stromasys is now available – And here we have AWS resurfacing ancient tech history like a digital archaeologist, presenting Sparc virtualization like it’s a shiny new toy. Say "hello" to overpriced cloud solutions for a Sun Microsystems product that should probably have been left in the 90s. Enjoy spending unnecessary effort and money, folks!

Announcing vision system data from AWS IoT FleetWise (Preview) – In their unrelenting quest for world domination, Amazon now wants your IoT data with its AWS IoT FleetWise. Apparently, AWS isn’t satisfied with just mining the Earth for data, they now need your toaster’s innermost thoughts. Looking forward to a future where my Roomba files an AWS support request on my behalf.

Access Affordable Policies with New Security Posture Assessment from AWS Cyber Insurance Competency Partners – "Ah, nothing instills confidence like paying for the privilege to know just how bad your security posture is! The new Security Posture Assessment from AWS cyber insurance partners – like a reverse Santa Claus, they’re making a list, and as a holiday special, checking it twice for a price!"

Announcing the 2023 Geo and Global AWS Partners of the Year – "Congratulations to the 2023 Geo and Global AWS partners of the year. For those unfamiliar with the title, think of being ‘Geo and Global AWS partner of the year’ as becoming ‘Ruler of the Sith’ in the AWS universe. It sounds impressive, sure, but no one’s entirely clear on what it actually means or how you even get nominated. All hail our possibly-omniscient overlords?"

Announcing the Regional 2023 AWS Partners of the Year for Europe, Middle East, and Africa – Looks like AWS has again trotted out its annual "partners of the year" list – because nothing says ‘everyday customer impact’ quite like a sparkly, corporate popularity contest with complex scoring metrics comprehensible to maybe three people. Remember folks, if your best friend didn’t get the 2023 Partner of the Year award for EMEA, you probably could have sent more AWS-themed fruit baskets to sweetheart the judges.

Best Practices from Navisite for Running Amazon RDS Custom with Oracle EBS – The AWS folks and NaviSite combined their collective genius and finally revealed all their secrets about running Amazon RDS custom with Oracle EBS. Because let’s face it, everyone is just itching to spend their day wrestling with the monstrosity that is Oracle EBS. Oh joy, said literally no one.

Channel Partner Momentum on AWS Marketplace Drives Innovation and Digital Transformation for Customers – Ah, a new blog from Amazon touting the massive surge in AWS Marketplace’s channel partner momentum; cue the fireworks and ticker tape parade. As usual, innovation and digital transformation gets credited to a marketplace platform because, naturally, it’s easier than admitting AWS is still cobbling together its interfaces from multiple eras. Irony strikes as they use the most generic business buzzwords to demonstrate differentiation.

How AWS, STMicroelectronics, and LACROIX Are Making Cities Smarter and Safer with Edge AI – Oh joy, another tryst in the ongoing tech soap opera: "STMicroelectronics, LaCroix and AWS – Edge AI love triangle for safer and smarter cities". Just as I was warming up to the fact that ‘Edge Computing’ is the new "Cloud", now they sprinkle some AI goodness on top. I’m thrilled… I promise.

Improve the Resilience Posture of Your Workloads with AWS Resilience Competency Partners – AWS introduces ‘Resilience Competency Partners’ because there’s nothing like a bunch of buzzwords to make it sound like you have an army of experts at your disposal to combat downtime. Because hey, there’s no problem that can’t be solved with a fancy title and a laminated card, right?

Maximize Customer Acquisition, Retention, and Lifetime Value with AWS Advertising and Marketing Technology Competency Partners – AWS has just rolled out an uncannily insightful blog post on how to milk every possible cent from your customers using their Advertising and Marketing Technology ‘Competency’ Partners. Brilliant! Next, we’re waiting on their guide on turning that lifetime customer value into obscure, commensurate AWS credits.

More Value, Greater Profitability: 10 Enhancements to the AWS Partner Experience – And lo! AWS bestows upon us 10 divine revelations to boost our "partner experience." I’d be more excited if this didn’t sound like a rerun of the last five updates. But remember, it’s not about understanding the enhancements, it’s about reaping greater profitability… whatever that means.

Optimize Your Amazon Elastic Kubernetes Management with Amazon EKS Ready Partners – Amazon molders on with their Kubernetes charm offensive by jazzing up their partner list with a fresh ‘EKS-ready’ tag. Now you can enjoy the confusion of Kubernetes with the added thrill of gambling on which partner to trust with your infrastructure. The AWS partner network, where complexity goes to breed.

Extended history and more granular data available within AWS Cost Explorer – In the spirit of overkill, AWS is now offering a longer history and more detailed data with Cost Explorer, because everyone knows that what we really need is to deep dive into how much we’ve been bleeding money for the last three years. It’s like they’re saying, "Sure, we’ve been charging you an arm and a leg, but at least now you can see it in high definition!"

How Coinbase Built a Cloud Center of Excellence to Optimize their Cloud Costs on AWS – In yet another mind-numbingly corporate AWS blog post, Coinbase brags about building a "Cloud Center of Excellence". Basically, they’ve formed a fancy club to figure out why their AWS bill is as big as their self-proclaimed expertise. Now, if only they spent this much energy optimizing their customer service.

How to take advantage of Rightsizing recommendation preferences in Compute Optimizer – There’s nothing like AWS giving us advice on how to trim down our bills by ‘rightsizing’ with their Compute Optimizer – because who doesn’t love being incessantly nagged about wasting their money (rightly so) on overprovisioned resources? Just a simple way of AWS saying "Hey, how about handing over less money to us?" Bewildering, right?

Introducing Data Exports for AWS Billing and Cost Management – In the long list of Amazon’s "innovative" solutions, they’ve now decided to give us the unasked gift of billing data exports for cost management. Because who wouldn’t want to spend their precious time drowning in an ocean of CSV sheets, deciphering baffling data instead of doing something actually useful, like setting money on fire. Enjoy, and remember, Excel has your back.

Managing your cloud finances with the unified Billing and Cost Management Console – In the latest "we’ve-fixed-paint-drying" announcement, AWS has solved a problem ranking near "who wore it better" in common interest. They’ve decided we all need a unified billing console, because nothing screams excitement like minutiae of cloud financial management. Stand by for their next revolutionary upgrade: the AWS pocket protector!

New – Cost and Usage Dashboard powered by Amazon QuickSight – Ah, AWS has finally realised people actually want to understand their cloud bills! Now there’s a "new-and-improved" dashboard for cost and usage powered by Amazon QuickSight– reassuring in the same way as saying, "How about we treat that hole in the shower floor with some good old duct tape?"

Agents for Amazon Bedrock is now available with improved control of orchestration and visibility into reasoning – AWS just announced Agents for Amazon Bedrock. I guess even AWS couldn’t resist jumping on the orchestration control bandwagon. Now customers can finally gain ‘visibility into reasoning’… or as we mortals call it, find out why things just broke.

Amazon Bedrock now provides access to Anthropic’s latest model, Claude 2.1 – In a baffling attempt to sound futuristic and cool, AWS introduces its latest update to ‘Amazon Bedrock’ including Claude 2.1 – some fancy anthropic model I’m sure was named after an engineer’s cat. Forget providing customers with a user-friendly interface; AWS is busy paving the way for the robot apocalypse, one inscrutable yet pithily named feature at a time.

Amazon CloudWatch Application Signals for automatic instrumentation of your applications (preview) – Ah, Amazon has graced us with CloudWatch Application Signals, because who doesn’t want yet ANOTHER layer of automated instrumentation wrapped around their applications? Just what we needed for our ever-growing stack of AWS complexity – some more "helpful" automation in preview form.

Amazon CloudWatch Logs now offers automated pattern analytics and anomaly detection – In an astounding move, AWS CloudWatch Logs now provides the clairvoyant talent of automated pattern analytics and anomaly detection. Cue applause. Because nothing says ‘exciting innovation’ like adding elementary features your customers have been yelling for, for years. No more long nights squinting at logs to find that elusive anomaly; AWS swoops in with the tech equivalent of, "have you tried turning it off and on again?"

Amazon CodeCatalyst introduces custom blueprints and a new enterprise tier – In another brilliant example of not reading the room, AWS introduces custom blueprints for their over-complicated service, Amazon CodeCatalyst. Now, for just a small bitcoin ransom equivalent, they provide an enterprise tier which I can only presume includes your very own AWS Sherpa to lead you through their labyrinthine bouillabaisse of services.

Amazon CodeWhisperer offers new AI-powered code remediation, IaC support, and integration with Visual Studio – In a truly revolutionary move for those who think a robot should do their job, Amazon presents CodeWhisperer, its new AI-powered code remediation tool. Let’s pray it works better than Amazon’s AI-powered suggestions. It also has Infrastructure as code (IaC) support so you can continually make the same mistakes in a highly automated fashion. And if you’re a fan of Visual Studio — don’t worry — they have ensured the capability for you to screw up in that environment as well.

Amazon Detective adds new capabilities to accelerate and improve your cloud security investigations – In their quest to turn cloud security into a Cluedo game, AWS just launched "Investigations" and "Finding Group Summaries" for Amazon Detective. Now, instead of spending hours combing through your security logs, you can let AWS do the work, and just send you little mystery novels about what’s happening in your infrastructure. Isn’t technology grand?

Amazon DynamoDB zero-ETL integration with Amazon OpenSearch Service is now available – AWS is finally letting DynamoDB and OpenSearch Service play nice together, skipping the ETL hassle. Because why let customers enjoy a straightforward compatibility when you can make them jump through hoops first? So, hats off to you, AWS, for the belated gift of common sense.

Amazon EBS Snapshots Archive is now available with AWS Backup – AWS has unveiled the EBS Snapshots Archive feature, offering a more cost-effective storage option for less accessed data. For those of us still paying student loans, here’s a bright idea – let’s put our college education memories there. It might make the pain of remembering econ 101 a little less frequent.

Amazon EKS Pod Identity simplifies IAM permissions for applications on Amazon EKS clusters – Tired of spending your weekend meetings debating IAM permissions for your Kubernetes? AWS is so proud to introduce EKS Pod Identity – or as I like to call it, the "we finally caught up with what you really needed six months ago" service. You can now assign IAM rights to individual pods, changing the game from an all-you-can-eat permissions buffet to a more sensible à la carte model.

Amazon ElastiCache Serverless for Redis and Memcached is now available – Oh great, we needed another variation of serverless. Elasticache has now ventured into the serverless foray. Profess your love for Redis and Memcached, but leave the server management headaches to AWS—because we were all just floundering around without this, right? And they’re calling it generally available, like it’s a rare, sought-after commodity.

Amazon Managed Service for Prometheus collector provides agentless metric collection for Amazon EKS – In an act of considerate benevolence, AWS has waved its magic wand and POOF – out springs Amazon Managed Service for Prometheus collector, a spellbinding mix of buzzwords that promises to take care of your metric collection for EKS. Evidently not content with its vast cocktail of services, AWS has decided to introduce yet another key jargon to the dictionary, holding your hand as you create yet another utterly confusing dependency. Remember, in the AWS universe, confusion is simply an illusion.

Announcing Amazon OpenSearch Service zero-ETL integration with Amazon S3 (preview) – Ah yes, Amazon’s "OpenSearch Service Zero ETL Integration with S3" Preview. Their attempt to prove that they can, in fact, make tech operations sound as thrilling as watching paint dry. It’s reminiscent of baking a pie with an automated pie maker; sure it’s convenient, but you’ll miss half the fun of messing up your kitchen.

Amazon Q brings generative AI-powered assistance to IT pros and developers (preview) – In a classic cloud behemoth move, AWS is now introducing Amazon Q, an AI-powered assistant for IT pros and devs – because you know, every other AI endeavor from AWS has landed with the grace of a three-legged hippo in ballet class. Now you can get complicated technical guidance from an AI who, let’s be frank, probably knows as much about your specific setup as I do about underwater basket-weaving. Buckle up, everyone!

Amazon Redshift adds new AI capabilities, including Amazon Q, to boost efficiency and productivity – In a move that screams "we’re still hip and relevant", Amazon RedShift has added AI capabilities. Now, not only can your data warehouse run slowly, it can make incorrect predictions – but faster! Productivity, meet efficiency. Efficiency, meet comedy.

Amazon SageMaker adds new inference capabilities to help reduce foundation model deployment costs and latency – In true AWS fashion, they’ve decided to add more wizardry to SageMaker’s bag of tricks by throwing in some brand new inference capabilities. Because if there are two things AWS customers can never get enough of, it’s obviously reducing deployment costs and chopping down latency. Wahoo, round of applause for the efficiency parade.

Amazon SageMaker Clarify makes it easier to evaluate and select foundation models (preview) – Ah, the sweet whiff of Amazon SageMaker Clarify, now promising to evaluate and select foundation models – because we all know foundation choice is typically the make-or-break decision in building successful machine learning workflows. This is just what I needed, another decision-making tool, because what AWS lacks is definitely more services to make things ‘simpler’. Godspeed, SageMaker.

Amazon SageMaker Studio adds web-based interface, Code Editor, flexible workspaces, and streamlines user onboarding – Good gravy, AWS is taking a crack at simplifying machine learning! Amazon SageMaker Studio unveils a flashy web-based interface and code editor, jingling the promise of a smoother onboarding experience – another pleasurable texture to sprinkle on the complex potpourri that ML already is. Here’s to hope this ‘magic wand’ doesn’t turn into a spectacular misfire.

Amazon Titan Image Generator, Multimodal Embeddings, and Text models are now available in Amazon Bedrock – In a move that is sure to excite both geologists and Flintstones fans, AWS announces the release of the Amazon Titan Image Generator and "multimodal embeddings" in Amazon Bedrock. Because, of course, making up impenetrable jargon is always easier than creating a service with an understandable name and function.

Amazon Transcribe Call Analytics adds new generative AI-powered call summaries (preview) – This just in: Amazon Transcribe now uses ‘generative AI’ to summarize your calls because, let’s face it, who has the time to do that themselves? With Amazon Transcribe’s new feature you can relive every thrilling second of your customer’s complaint about their order arriving 37 seconds late. Experience once again the saga, the intensity, the hold music. All hail our AI overlords.

Announcing new diagnostic tools for AWS Partner-Led Support (PLS) participants – Apparently, Amazon decided to combat AWS’s growing complexity with the new diagnostic tools for Partner-Led Support Participants. Now partners can spend even more time — thanks to AWS’s "offer" — on diagnosing why something isn’t working as expected. Seems like AWS’s idea of a helping hand is having more people to blame for issues.

Announcing throughput increase and dead letter queue redrive support for Amazon SQS FIFO queues – In what I can only describe as a thrilling update for SQS FIFO queues (who knew queues could be exciting), Amazon has decided to crank up throughput and give you the option to redrive your dead letter queues. So basically, they’ve made standing in a virtual line slightly less painful. Oh, the wonders of modern technology… truly groundbreaking stuff.

Automatic restore testing and validation now available in AWS Backup – In a twist of events shocking to no one, AWS Backup is just now introducing automatic restore testing and validation. So, think of all those times you backed up your data, assumed it’d work flawlessly and it didn’t. Well, AWS is here to catch up with every other backup service circa 2005, offering a safety net for that whole "Please work, please work" monologue we’ve all done while restoring data.

AWS Clean Rooms Differential Privacy enhances privacy protection of your users data (preview) – In a grand gesture of keeping up with the Joneses, AWS has unveiled "Clean Rooms" in “preview” (also known as Beta for companies who like good old honest English). It’s as if they woke up one morning and thought, "Hey, how about we add yet another obscure layer of privacy protection for user data that most users won’t understand but we’ll get points for anyway?" Pure innovation.

AWS Clean Rooms ML helps customers and partners apply ML models without sharing raw data (preview) – Here’s AWS again making another attempt to convince us that we don’t need to handle our own data! Presenting the ‘Clean Room’ to securely share up to… zero raw data. Now your inability to understand machine learning can stay your little secret, whilst their ML models do all the work!

AWS Control Tower adds new controls to help customers meet digital sovereignty requirements – AWS Control Tower now helps you pander to the jurisdictional restrictions of your local dictator, making fulfilling digital sovereignty requirements as simple as popping open a cold one. It’s good to see AWS is dedicated to brazenly enabling geographic customer handcuffs in a cloud that’s supposedly universal. Well, someone has to keep the ‘world’ in ‘worldwide web’.

AWS Lambda functions now scale 12 times faster when handling high-volume requests – In a bold move that won’t impact latte brewing times at all, AWS has turbo-charged Lambda functions to scale 12 times faster. So while your coffee remains stagnant, you can watch your serverless applications sprint towards the horizon of overwhelming high volume requests like a pandemic-inspired toilet paper rush.

AWS Step Functions Workflow Studio is now available in AWS Application Composer – Amazon has just dropped AWS Step Functions Workflow Studio in their AWS Application Composer, like sprinkling glitter onto a raging dumpster fire. Known to AWS, the Job Guarantee Program, ’cause nothing secures your employment like figuring out this crazy complicated, potentially resume-building puzzle.

Build generative AI apps using AWS Step Functions and Amazon Bedrock – Great, just what we needed: AWS Step Functions and Amazon Bedrock have teamed up to help you build even more convoluted generative AI apps. Because who doesn’t want to spend all their daylight hours wading through the dense thicket of AWS services? It’s a brave new world of innovation—or, you know, an unholy marriage of tech world buzzwords.

Check your AWS Free Tier usage programmatically with a new API – In a classic case of ‘close, but no cigar’, AWS decided to gift us mortals with an API to check our free tier usage. Now, if only they could provide an API to prevent us from overspending in the first place, maybe we wouldn’t have giant AWS bills causing our financial ruin. But hey, one step at a time I guess.

Announcing cross-region data replication for Amazon WorkSpaces – Sure, AWS has now granted you to replicate your workspace, but hey, it’s cross-region. So if you’re the forgetful type and leave your work in the wrong data center, don’t worry. AWS has got your back. They’ve just transformed a Friday evening clean-up mission into a feature, because why not.

Customize models in Amazon Bedrock with your own data using fine-tuning and continued pre-training – Amazon Bedrock now allows you to customize models with your own data, a.k.a "fine-tuning". Because apparently, even AWS machine learning models have picked up the Silicon Valley mindset of "it’s not a bug, it’s a feature that just needs a little bit of user tweaking". But, hey, who doesn’t love a good continued pre-training session?

Easily deploy SaaS products with new Quick Launch in AWS Marketplace – In another fabulous attempt to take something simple and complicate it, AWS has launched Quick Launch in AWS Marketplace for deploying SaaS offerings. Now you can effortlessly take off on your journey of deploying SaaS products on AWS, navigating a labyrinth of launch parameters, options and configs undoubtedly designed by the AWS Minotaur himself. Can’t wait to get lost!

Evaluate, compare, and select the best foundation models for your use case in Amazon Bedrock (preview) – Another day, another vague AWS service launch! This time it’s Amazon Bedrock, designed to help you "evaluate, compare, and select the best foundation models for your use case." Now, if only they could offer a tool to help people make sense of the ever-expanding catalogue of AWS services…

External endpoints and testing of task states now available in AWS Step Functions – In a move that screams "We heard you like complexity, so enjoy this!", AWS Step Functions now supports both external endpoints and task state testing. Because nothing says ‘fun’ like adding more endpoints and testing them whilst dealing with AWS’s charmingly tricky state machines.

FlexGroup Volume Management for Amazon FSx for NetApp ONTAP is now available – Well well, AWS continues to warm my heart with its features nobody asked for. This time it’s FlexGroup Volume Management for Amazon FSx for NetApp ONTAP. Perfect for all you folks out there marathoning the storage performance race or just living in the legacy world.

Getting started with new Amazon RDS for Db2 – Amazon has gone all Dr. Frankenstein on us, stitching together a beast of a service that not many people will likely rush to use. AWS presents ‘RDS for DB2,’ or as they probably call it internally, "the result of an intern losing a bet."

Guardrails for Amazon Bedrock helps implement safeguards customized to your use cases and responsible AI policies (preview) – In a bold move of innovative naming, Amazon introduces "Guardrails for Amazon Bedrock" today. Oh, what’s that? You thought Bedrock was just in the Flintstones? Wrong! Now you too can command your AWS resources like some kind of Neanderthal, safe in the knowledge that the ‘responsible AI’ is there to stop you ripping a hole in your infrastructure… or causing the next Skynet.

IAM Access Analyzer updates: Find unused access, check policies before deployment – AWS is now offering a new feature as a part of the IAM Access Analyzer that exposes unused permissions and shows you your bad decision making before you make it. Because who doesn’t like a pre-emptive reminder of your potential deployment disasters? After all, nothing spells ‘innovation’ like an automated service that beats you to your future regret.

IDE extension for AWS Application Composer enhances visual modern applications development with AI-generated IaC – Brace yourselves as AWS takes another leap into AI-generated chaos with their IDE extension for the Application Composer. Apparently, ‘visual modern applications development’ wasn’t enough jargon, so they threw in ‘AI-generated Infrastructure as Code’ too. Just when you thought you’d understood AWS, they give you AI-written YAML. The future is here, and it’s incomprehensible!

Improve developer productivity with generative-AI powered Amazon Q in Amazon CodeCatalyst (preview) – Brace yourself because AWS has just released a new “innovative” product called Amazon Q, powered by generative AI that’s supposed to boost productivity. This is the perfect tool for anyone who’s ever looked at their multitudinous AWS bills and thought "I don’t spend nearly enough time dealing with Amazon’s quirky offerings." Bring on the productivity, presumably of syntax errors and exotic PATCH requests.

Increase collaboration and securely share cloud knowledge with AWS re:Post Private – Ah yes, AWS has introduced Repost Private, a hub for your cloud team’s wisdom to disappear into. Congratulations on creating a secure, collaborative environment for team’s insights to vanish into the depths of AWS feature overload. I can’t wait to see how many times we "accidentally" relearn the same lessons.

Introducing Amazon EC2 high memory U7i Instances for large in-memory databases (preview) – Oh look, Bezos’ Embezzlement Extravaganza aka AWS has just unveiled the new EC2 High Memory u7i instances for all you data hoarders! Now you can hoard more of your in-memory databases and empty your pockets even faster. It’s basically Amazon saying, "Hey, can’t fit enough useless data into your databases? We’ve got a ‘spensive solution for that!" Happy spending!

Detect runtime security threats in Amazon ECS and AWS Fargate, new in Amazon GuardDuty – In the latest episode of "When will AWS stop?", they’ve released GuardDuty ECS runtime monitoring including AWS Fargate. Brace yourselves for the Herculean task of figuring out this jargon salad, while I camp outside waiting to accidentally understand what the heck "GuardDuty ECS runtime monitoring including AWS Fargate" does beyond sounding like a niche B-side techno album.

Analyze large amounts of graph data to get insights and find trends with Amazon Neptune Analytics – Oh great, just what the world needed: AWS Neptune Analytics. We were all sitting around thinking, "AWS has limited itself too much. Let’s get some graph analytics in the mix to really spook everyone." Hurrah for yet another analytics service that we didn’t learn we needed until Amazon invented it.

Introducing Amazon Q, a new generative AI-powered assistant (preview) – Yes, that’s exactly what the world needed: Amazon Q&A, because we all know Siri, Cortana, Google Assistant, and Alexa were simply slacking off. Hey folks, now you can plug in this AI wonder into your apps to answer questions with the same nuanced understanding as your local politician. So gear up to start debugging code and your life choices now!

Introducing Amazon SageMaker HyperPod, a purpose-built infrastructure for distributed training at scale – "AWS is packing yet another mysterious machine-learning marvel in its already overcrowded garage of AI tech. Welcome the Amazon SageMaker HyperPod – a contraption optimized to train your ML models while draining your AWS credits faster than you can say ‘distributed infrastructure’. Oh, the joys of training at scale!"

Manage EDI at scale with new AWS B2B Data Interchange – Ah, AWS B2B Data Interchange, the latest iteration of AWS’s unending quest to invent services with mouthful names that still tell you dollop squats about what it does. It’s apparently all about simplifying connections with trading partners, because nothing says ‘simplification’ like throwing in a dose of AWS jargon into your platter of business communication!

Introducing highly durable Amazon OpenSearch Service clusters with 30% price/performance improvement – Brand new from the AWS product-naming-roulette, the Amazon OpenSearch Service Clusters are now "highly durable" (as if durability was an optional extra until now). And hey, to sweeten the deal, you’ll get a 30% price-performance improvement which is just AWS jargon for "we overcharged you in the first place."

Introducing shared VPC support for Amazon FSx for NetApp ONTAP – Just when we thought AWS couldn’t find new ways to convolute our network architecture, they gift us with shared VPC support for Amazon FSx for NetApp ONTAP. Now, you can wallow in the delight of administering your file systems across VPCs with the same, seamless confusion that AWS has so thoughtfully sculpted, while contemplating if Jeff Bezos is funding his space mission by making our lives more complex.

Join the preview of Amazon Aurora Limitless Database – Just what we were all asking for, AWS’s Aurora now offers an unlimited database–nice, right? Well, there’s only one slight hiccup — it’s still in preview mode. It’s akin to getting an all-you-can-eat buffet coupon that you can’t use until the restaurant finishes construction. Keep holding your food trays, folks.

Join the preview for new memory-optimized, AWS Graviton4-powered Amazon EC2 instances (R8g) – Looks like AWS has birthed yet another type that’s memory-optimized and powered by Amazon’s Graviton4 AWS EC2 instance. Because, you know, the thing we were definitely all asking for was even more EC2 variants to puzzle over in the expanding alphabet soup that is AWS’ service offerings. I’ll try not to lose any "memory" of this one.

Knowledge Bases now delivers fully managed RAG experience in Amazon Bedrock – Finally, AWS has done it! It’s managed to shovel their "fully managed RAG experience" into Amazon Bedrock. Now I can finally sleep at night knowing that my thirst for "Knowledge Bases" can be quenched without the nuisance of actually managing anything at all. Sounds like my kind of tool — fully operational, high-quality laziness!

Leverage foundation models for business analysis at scale with Amazon SageMaker Canvas – Amazon has unveiled SageMaker Canvas, allowing you to run business analysis at scale while making as little sense as possible to anyone outside of the ‘data scientist club’. This delightfully lets rank-and-file employees feel like they’re wielding a scalpel, when in reality they’re brandishing a foam sword in a cavernous realm of intricate and complex data analytics tools.

Mutual authentication for Application Load Balancer reliably verifies certificate-based client identities – AWS is playing Cupid with its new mutual authentication for Application Load Balancer, because heaven forbid your certificate-based client identities spend another lonely night not being reliably verified. Kind of like that promise I made to start going to the gym regularly.

New Amazon CloudWatch log class for infrequent access logs at a reduced price – In yet another attempt to kindle excitement and ensure we trek through their flood of features, Amazon is now offering a new CloudWatch Log Class for logs that we forgot existed. AWS, always the pragmatic businesspeople, have made this cozy little home for the logs that everyone ignores and offered it at a reduced price – because nothing screams value like neglected data.

New Amazon Q in QuickSight uses generative AI assistance for quicker, easier data insights (preview) – Another day, another AWS launch with their favored Q-letter fixation: this time ‘Amazon Q for QuickSight’ – a generative AI assistant aimed at fumbling amid data insights extraction. How heartwarming to see Amazon embracing the belief that its customers have sufficient spare time to host tea parties with a robot while uncovering how little value their data really holds.

Announcing the new Amazon S3 Express One Zone high performance storage class – In the latest edition of "let’s play roulette with data," AWS presents the S3 Express One Zone, a high-performance storage class. It’s like AWS saying "Hey, we’ve found another way to lose just a chunk of your data faster, but at least you’ll get to pay less for it!"

New Amazon WorkSpaces Thin Client provides cost-effective, secure access to virtual desktops – Amazon blunders ahead with another amazing-yet-entirely-unasked-for invention, this time giving us the Amazon WorkSpaces Thin Client. For all you folks losing sleep over the question, "how can I spend more time and money on infrastructure?" – this one’s for you. Now we can continue to propel the corporate world into a new dimension of productivity, or, y’know, something like that.

New Cost Optimization Hub centralizes recommended actions to save you money – In an unexpected act of charity, AWS has given us a "Cost Optimization Hub" because navigating their confounding payment structure was the equivalent of solving the Da Vinci Code, only less fun. Now they’re giving us all the ways we save money in one place, a feature which feels like it should probably not be the ground-breaking revelation that it is. Here’s hoping it’s not just another AWS labyrinth dressed as a solution!

New generative AI capabilities for Amazon DataZone to further simplify data cataloging and discovery (preview) – In typical AWS fashion of simplifying the complex, they’ve introduced ‘Generative AI for Amazon Datazone’ aka the new digital nanny making sense of your messy data catalog. That’s right, folks. Your chaotic breadcrumb trail of data can now be tidied up with machine learning wizardry. Just be sure to let your interns know they might need to find something new to do.

New generative AI features in Amazon Connect, including Amazon Q, facilitate improved contact center service – Ah, Amazon has unleashed yet another way to trip up contact center workers. We’re now introducing Amazon Connect, with fabulous, brain-twisting additions like the infamous ‘Amazon Q’, promising to make speech recognition even more convoluted! Get ready for a new evolution in ‘accidentally putting customers on hold.’

New myApplications in the AWS Management Console simplifies managing your application resources – It seems like AWS took a painfully long break from swimming in their money pool to finally introduce ‘myApplications’ in the management console. Now you can save precious time previously spent on screaming at your screen trying to manage your application resources. Is it efficient or are we just being led further into the AWS labyrinth? Only time will tell.

New – Scale-out file systems for Amazon FSx for NetApp ONTAP – Just when you thought AWS couldn’t deliver more cloud complexity, they’ve launched a new scale-out option for FSx for NetApp ONTAP. I mean, who needs simple cloud storage when you can have numerous systems, features, and protocols to decipher? It seems like AWS’s product development strategy is directly proportional to our blood pressure levels.

Use Amazon CloudWatch to consolidate hybrid, multicloud, and on-premises metrics – In a bold attempt to solve the problem that nobody asked for, Amazon offers CloudWatch for hybrid, multi-cloud, and on-premises metrics. Now you can unify all your sleep-inducing metrics in one place without the need for multiple screens, thus freeing up valuable time to complain about other AWS services.

Announcing on-demand data replication for Amazon FSx for OpenZFS – Great news! Now you can set AWS FSx for OpenZFS to replicate data whenever it dang well pleases. Because when I said I wanted more ‘on-demand’ in my life, I obviously meant ‘Please AWS, make it easier for my file systems to spawn clones of themselves willy-nilly.’

Optimize your storage costs for rarely-accessed files with Amazon EFS Archive – "Because apparently no one has invented an attic or a dusty filing cabinet yet, Amazon decided we need yet another layer of storage. Say hello to Amazon EFS IA, for when you can’t remember why you have a set of files but might experience an existential crisis if you delete them. Now you can lose your files even more cost-effectively!"

Package and deploy models faster with new tools and guided workflows in Amazon SageMaker – Amazon SageMaker is back again with ‘new tools and guided workflows’ to package and deploy models. Because nothing says innovation like adding more bells and whistles to a service that most of us are still trying to figure out how to optimize in the first place!

Replication failback and increased IOPS are new for Amazon EFS – Oh, fantastic! More AWS additions that sound thrilling until you realize it’s just replication failback and an IOPS increase for Amazon EFS. It’s like announcing that a hammer now has an improved ability to hit nails harder. Revolutionary.

Reserve quantum computers, get guidance and cutting-edge capabilities with Amazon Braket Direct – Trying to understand AWS’s pricing strategy is often like explaining quantum mechanics to a toddler, so it seems fitting they’ve gone the full monty and introduced Amazon Braket Direct—a way to throw your money into the quantum realm. As long as your happiness is directly proportional to the number of qubits you reserve, you’ll be absolutely ecstatic.

Three new capabilities for Amazon Inspector broaden the realm of vulnerability scanning for workloads – Well, well, Amazon Inspector is sprucing up its style with three new ‘capabilities’. It’s like realizing that the bouncer of your favorite shady bar, who has the intelligence of a broken stapler, learnt three new pat down moves. Congrats, AWS, for expanding the area where you can potentially miss vulnerabilities.

Top announcements of AWS re:Invent 2023 – So, AWS re:Invent 2023 has graced us with more announcements, because clearly what we all needed in our lives was more complexity. Brace yourselves folks, famous for inventing things we didn’t know we needed till they told us that we did, Amazon is back at it. Stay tuned for a fest of unpronounceable abbreviations, cloud jargon bingo, and pricing structures more convoluted than your last relationship status.

Upgrade your Java applications with Amazon Q Code Transformation (preview) – AWS is boldly going where no one particularly wanted to go, launching a preview of Amazon Q – Code Transformation for your archaic Java applications. Because why simply update your coffee-inspired code when you can essentially make AWS’s snazzy new tool do it? Good for AWS for turning the "let’s bypass critical thinking and development skills" into a whole business model.

Use anomaly detection with AWS Glue to improve data quality (preview) – Amazon teases anomaly detection for AWS Glue with the bait tagline ‘improve data quality’. Good news, folks. After spending hours in Glue’s sticky interface, you’ll now have the added fun of playing ‘spot the odd one out’ with your data. ‘Preview’ it says, the universal synonym for ‘expect bugs’.

Use AWS Fault Injection Service to demonstrate multi-region and multi-AZ application resilience – AWS has just powered up its new Fault Injection Simulator and I can’t help but liken it to inviting a bull into your china shop – intentionally. In their continued bid to make sure you’re as architecturally redundant as their punchlines, AWS invites you to simulate outages, and watch hopefully as your architecture doesn’t crumble like a cheap cookie. So go ahead, break your stuff. It’s your own cloud funeral.

Use natural language to explore and prepare data with a new capability of Amazon SageMaker Canvas – In a bold reinterpretation of the concept of ‘natural language,’ Amazon asks users to ‘talk’ to their data using SageMaker Canvas. Brushing aside the fact that my last ‘natural conversation’ with my data ended in an existential crisis and a profound sense of loneliness, I am thrilled to have an AI interlocutor who won’t judge me when I confuse my KPIs and my APIs.

Use natural language to query Amazon CloudWatch logs and metrics (preview) – Because we all know parsing CloudWatch logs can be as fun as stepping on Legos in the middle of the night, AWS now lets you use natural language to query logs and metrics. Because clearly, what we’ve been begging for is the ability to have a casual chat with our performance data. Maybe in the next update, they’ll introduce an AWS "therapy" session where the infrastructure apologizes for its failures.

Vector engine for Amazon OpenSearch Serverless is now available – Oh look, another serverless offering that apparently I’ve been needing all my life, so much so, I didn’t even know it. Today, in the realm of unrequested services and features, AWS has presented us with the “Vector Engine for Amazon OpenSearch." Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be over here, desperately trying to figure out what a vector engine is and why I should care.

Vector search for Amazon DocumentDB (with MongoDB compatibility) is now generally available – In the latest installment of "Let’s Play Catch Up With Open Source Technology," AWS announces vector search for DocumentDB (with MongoDB compatibility, of course). It’s only been a decade or so since MongoDB introduced this concept. But hang on tight, AWS might just announce ‘real-time’ updates by the next decade.

Zonal autoshift – Automatically shift your traffic away from Availability Zones when we detect potential issues – "Let me get this straight, AWS is now proudly introducing ‘Zonal AutoShift’, basically admitting that their services aren’t reliable enough and your traffic might need a quick exit strategy? Great to know that we have one more service that’ll automatically do the panicking for us when AWS inevitably has potential issues."

Automate private offers using AWS Marketplace Catalog API – In their continuous quest to automate everything, AWS introduces the Marketplace Catalog API to help you automate private offers. Now you can experience the sheer joy of wrestling with an API to automate the process of creating offers that you were probably just emailing back and forth. Behold, the future of e-commerce is here, courtesy of AWS, where everything becomes more efficient and complicated at the same time.

Automation with AWS Marketplace APIs – Behold AWS Marketplace’s latest jewel – automation with Marketplace APIs. Now you can unwittingly spend more on third-party software, but in a slightly more automated fashion. If only they put as much effort into making their billing understandable, we’d all be in a better place.

Simplify AWS Marketplace activity visualization with a single pane of glass – AWS Marketplace uttered platitudes about ‘simplifying’ activity visualization in this announcement, where they expect us to believe that their magic solution is one single ‘pane of glass’. Who knew AWS was branching out into the window business? Their effort to present a unified view, however, seems more like trying to find a needle in their own haystack of services. But hey, who doesn’t love a good simplification parable?

Amazon MSK now provides up to 29% more throughput and up to 24% lower costs with AWS Graviton3 support – In the latest thrilling rollercoaster of an announcement, AWS pats itself on the back for using their own Graviton3 to boost their own MSK performance while dropping costs, something it arguably had control over all along. Remember kids, it’s always impressive when someone solves a problem they themselves created.

Amazon Redshift announcements at AWS re:Invent 2023 to enable analytics on all your data – "Ah yes, Amazon Redshift’s reinvent 2023 announcement – because who needs a social life when you can have analytics on ALL your data? It’s like AWS read my dream diary. Now if they can only manage to make those data analysis results comprehendible to mere mortals, that would truly be revolutionary."

Announcing zero-ETL integrations with AWS Databases and Amazon Redshift – Congrats, AWS fans! We’re blessed with yet another Amazon mic-drop announcement: ETL can now hit the dusty trail with new AWS databases and Redshift integrations. Because like all things in the Amazon world, why just excel, when you can overkill?

Build and manage your modern data stack using dbt and AWS Glue through dbt-glue, the new “trusted” dbt adapter – Ah, AWS has done it again with its new offering – dbt Glue. Because what the world definitely needs is yet another bloated acronym to digest. Let’s stick the words ‘trusted’, ‘modern’, and ‘data stack’ into an announcement and hope it outshines the lurking complexity. Your move, modern data engineers.

How Eightfold AI implemented metadata security in a multi-tenant data analytics environment with Amazon Redshift – Oh great, another AI is doing our job better than us. Eightfold AI took the Amazon Redshift route to level up on metadata security in multi-tenant data analytics environments. And here I was, thinking my encryption and firewall protections were ‘state of the art’. Clearly the robots have already taken over.

Improve performance of workloads containing repetitive scan filters with multidimensional data layout sort keys in Amazon Redshift – Amazon Redshift is back with yet another feature upgrade designed to assist with your ‘repetitive scan filter’ nightmares. Now, you can combat inefficiencies with "multidimensional data layout sort keys", an over-engineered tool that falls somewhere between a math problem and a sorting hat at Hogwarts. AWS continues to show a fine disregard for brevity and a fondness for the confusing in its feature naming.

Integrate Okta with Amazon Redshift Query Editor V2 using AWS IAM Identity Center for seamless Single Sign-On – Here’s an announcement that’ll blow your socks off: integrate Okta with Redshift Query Editor…through the AWS IAM Identity Center…for some good ol’ Single Sign-On action! In other words, it’s the perfect love child of AWS code, fluffed up marketing lingo, and a love for endless labyrinthine integration.

Large Language Models for sentiment analysis with Amazon Redshift ML (Preview) – Once again, AWS leans heavily into the world of AI and ML with Amazon Redshift ML’s new sentiment analysis capability. Because nothing quite screams "innovation" like a huge, expensive, scalable data warehouse being used to understand if your customer’s tweet is more "sad face" or "smiley face."

Prepare and load Amazon S3 data into Teradata using AWS Glue through its native connector for Teradata Vantage – "Great news, all five of you who’ve been anxiously waiting to prepare and load Amazon S3 data onto Teradata using AWS Glue can finally breathe easy. AWS heard your clamors above the deafening silence and delivered, bringing us the capability we didn’t know we were missing. Next on the agenda: connecting Myspace to Friendster using AWS Glue through its never-asked-for connector."

Unlocking the value of data as your differentiator – In a twist so shocking it could power a mid-tier AWS data center, Amazon has discovered that data has value. Their groundbreaking advice? Store it on AWS and pay them for the privilege. Who needs compelling business strategy when you can just pay Amazon instead?

Use Amazon EMR with S3 Access Grants to scale Spark access to Amazon S3 – Ah, AWS once again proving that the cloud is basically just an expensive way to recreate your local filesystem. Amazon EMR now pairs up with S3 Access Grants for scaling Spark access. Good thing they’re continuing to innovate in the field of making things more complicated than they were last Tuesday.

AWS AppFabric helps application developers personalize their generative AI assistant with context from multiple applications – In case you were previously struggling to have your AI assistant exhibit the same symptoms of ADHD as its human overlords, AWS has your back! With AWS AppFabric, desperately hunting for context within separate applications will now be as easy as losing yourself in an infinite AWS documentation spiral.

How Smartsheet optimized cost and performance with AWS Graviton and AWS Fargate – With a flourish of the trumpets, AWS exhibits how Smartsheet penny-pinched their way to optimization using AWS Graviton and Fargate. If you too are interested in sandwiching together jargon-heavy offerings while throwing cost-effectiveness in the mix, this blog is custom-made for your AWS-obsessed curiosity.

Use SMB storage with Windows containers on AWS Fargate – AWS unveils that you can now use Windows containers with AWS Fargate and SMB storage. Because nothing quite screams ‘cutting edge technology’ like integrating something from the 80’s. Kafkaesque is so yesterday; evidently ‘Bill Gates-esque’ is our new future.

Build on the Polygon network with Amazon Managed Blockchain Access – Oh great, now we can build on the Polygon network with Amazon Managed Blockchain Access. Because if there’s something we needed to spice up 2022, it’s throwing blockchain terminology in with a side of Amazon flair. Thanks for expertly merging my overhyped buzzword bingo together, Bezos.

Using write forwarding with Amazon Aurora Global Database for PostgreSQL – Ah yes, AWS introduces ‘Write Forwarding’ for Amazon Aurora; because nothing screams ‘innovation’ like building a way to avoid having to rewrite database operations. Here’s to hoping your database requests enjoy more travel than you this year.

AWS and Webex collaborate to improve worker experience – In another thrilling installment of Partnerships Nobody Asked For, AWS and Webex are teaming up to "improve" your work experience. Be prepared for a future where "productivity" is indistinguishable from "endless teleconference marathons." Godspeed.

Exploring Amazon WorkSpaces Thin Client – In a thrilling turn of events that will shock absolutely no one, AWS has released another blog post about Amazon WorkSpaces. Behold, the excitement of ‘thin client support,’ i.e., letting your virtual desktop feast on as little local computing resource as possible. Can’t wait for the edge-of-your-seat sequel, ‘The Chronicles of Slightly Thinner Clients.’

Getting the most out of VMware Horizon 8 with Amazon WorkSpaces Core – Who’d have thunk it? AWS has rolled out another blog post, this time directed at those masochists who like to dance with VMware Horizon 8 in Amazon WorkSpaces. It’s bursting with advice on how to utilize a superfluous layer of unnecessary complexity and bureaucracy, in case you were wondering how to make your IT life even more like a descent into Dante’s Inferno.

Overspending on laptops? Introducing Amazon WorkSpaces Thin Client – In their never-ending struggle to invent ways of selling you more of their services you didn’t realize you needed, AWS announces Amazon WorkSpaces Thin Client. Apparently, if you’ve been burning money on veritable mammoth machines, they’ve now created a service that equates to running Windows 95 on a calculator. Let’s give an awkwardly loud digital applause of approval.

Seamless and secure end-user computing at Intuit with Amazon WorkSpaces – Ah yes, nothing screams "seamless and secure" quite like using Amazon Workspaces in a desperate attempt to get end-users to compute. Surely, Intuit – a company known for easy-to-use financial software – inviting its customers to brave the tangled wilderness of AWS is the epitome of user-friendliness. Can’t wait for TurboTax to be a CloudFormation template.

Streamlining migration of virtual desktop infrastructure to AWS End User Computing – "Ah, and for today’s installment of ‘Repurposing old tech mythology’, AWS has decided to make it easier to migrate your dusty, old Virtual Desktop Infrastructure to their shiny AWS End User Computing. Gotta love how they talk up ‘streamlining’ a process that’s more akin to swapping out the engine of a moving train. I say, good luck with that!"

Announcing general availability of the AWS SDK for Rust – While AWS has decided to give us an SDK for Rust, what we really need are some tetanus shots to handle the rusty sharp edges of their cloud ecosystem. Giving developers yet another language to cry along to when their Lambda functions have a timeout tantrum, no matter how "systems-programming friendly" it may be, is truly quintessential AWS.

Announcing general availability of the AWS SDK for Kotlin – Oh, good. Just what we needed – AWS has released an SDK for Kotlin. Now you can bask in the usual AWS complexities, inconsistencies, and ‘fun’ surprises – but benevolently gift-wrapped in your favorite obscure language for an added dash of thrilling confusion!

Automate safe AWS CloudFormation deployments from GitHub – Ah great! Now you can automate safe AWS CloudFormation deployments from GitHub. Because what we really needed was yet another way to set our infrastructure on fire by pushing code right before heading off on vacation. Truly, AWS continues to push the boundaries of "livin’ dangerously".

From Sustainable IT to IT for Sustainability – Holy cloud coverage, Batman! Amazon’s latest blog post suggests a pivot from ‘Sustainable IT’ to ‘IT for sustainability’, perhaps to give us all an existential crisis about our own wasteful resource usage in the cloud. Does that mean we’re moving from turning off unused EC2 instances to calculating how many trees we’re saving by storing data in S3? Stay tuned!

Riot Games prepares to close its last data center as it completes global migration to AWS – Riot Games is dejectedly shuttering its final data center like a failed family-run business as it bows to AWS’ dominating cloud prowess. Nothing screams "we trust AWS with everything" quite like stepping away from your own servers. Your move, every other game company.

Amazon Joins the Eclipse Foundation with a Focus on Software-Defined Vehicles – In what seems like their ongoing mission to have a finger in every pie, AWS is now gearing up to ‘drive’ innovation in the auto industry as they join the Eclipse Foundation. Apparently the concept of ‘serverless’ wasn’t edgy enough, so we’re diving into ‘driverless’ in the spirit of synergy and overused buzzwords. Buckle up, folks.

Fidelity International improves customer experience using Amazon SageMaker – In yet another episode of "Spin the Wheel of AWS Services," Fidelity International gives us a thrilling saga where they dramatically enhance customer experiences by using Amazon SageMaker. While I appreciate their diplomatic choice of language, let’s face it, all they mean is, "We ran some code in SageMaker and it didn’t catch on fire."

OEMs accelerate automated feature development with new Amazon EC2 DL2q instances, powered by the Qualcomm Cloud AI 100 – AWS recently launched their new EC2 DL2Q instances – a jaw-dropping, game-changing moment. Because nothing truly shouts innovation like repackaging existing tech in a neat wrapper with a Qualcomm bow on top and selling it as a revolutionary tool to speed up automated feature development. I can already hear OEMs celebrating…quietly…very quietly.

OT-IT Integration: AWS and Siemens break down data silos by closing the machine-to-cloud gap – "Good news for anyone whose love language is data integrations. AWS and Siemens claim they’ve managed to remove the tedious commute between your machines and the cloud. Now, instead of staring at a loading bar, you can watch AWS rack up your bill just as your machines rack up productivity."

Resilience builds lab supply chain tracking platform on AWS – In a baffling move, AWS has decided that the world definitely needs a blog post about Resilience’s laboratory supply tracking platform. Yes, the platform is built on AWS. This riveting spectacle of dumpster-fire decision making from the marketing team is an all-in-one solution for insomnia, apathy, and that nagging sense you’ve fallen into a parallel universe where this is considered news.

SGN Modernizes Gas Control Infrastructure Using AWS Professional Services – So, SGN decided to revamp their gas control infrastructure using AWS Professional Services. Another classic case of a company turning to the cloudy overlords of AWS to save them from the presumably smoky ashes of their old-school infrastructure. Let’s just hope their gas leaks less than their AWS bill.

Three Takeaways from Pfizer at AWS re:Invent Keynote – If you’ve been agonizingly waiting for the key takeaways from Pfizer’s AWS Reinvent keynote, your miserable existence is finally justified. AWS must be beyond thrilled that Pfizer has chosen to share their ground-shattering revelations, such as using AWS technology (shocking!) and that the cloud is important. Pulitzer-level insights folks!

Women Reinventing Energy – In a move that leaves no buzzword behind, AWS continues its commitment to diversity and sustainability by launching a blog series about women reinventing energy. It’s the perfect blend of actionable guides, inspirational jargon, and toe-curlingly awkward virtuous signalling. Who knew women in renewable energy needed AWS to validate their existence?

Announcing AWS IoT FleetWise vision system data (Preview) – Amazon announces AWS IoT FleetWise Vision System Data Preview, which, believe it or not, is as convoluted as it sounds. A product apparently designed by throwing a handful of tech buzzwords into a blender. Everything plus the kitchen sink! Ever wanted to see grandma’s cookbook’s recipe explode in a microwave? AWS has you covered.

Building an AI Assistant for Smart Manufacturing with AWS IoT TwinMaker and Amazon Bedrock – AWS presents IoT TwinMaker and Amazon Bedrock: titans uniting to form a smarter manufacturing AI assistant. Yes, because when I think of improving my factory efficiency, my mind leaps to a digital pebble from a yabba-dabba-doo time. Get ready to meet The Flintstones in the future of manufacturing—just hold tight to your stone-age hardware.

The Blueprint for Industrial Transformation: Building a Strong Data Foundation with AWS IoT SiteWise – Ladies and Gentlemen, AWS presents its latest weapon of mass jargonation: Industrial transformation via a "strong data foundation". Translated from buzzword-ese, it’s AWS IoT SiteWise, here to help you organize your screwdrivers and wrenches in the cloud, while you drown in a sea of raw industrial data.

Accelerate data preparation for ML in Amazon SageMaker Canvas – Ah, the latest gem from AWS: they’ve added a "natural language interface" to SageMaker Canvas, because who wouldn’t love to navigate one of the most complex services in AWS lexicon via the entirety of the English language, right? I’m having visions of befuddled data scientists muttering "Open Sesame" at their screens and banging rocks together.

Accelerate deep learning model training up to 35% with Amazon SageMaker smart sifting – Great, Amazon SageMaker now enables us to accelerate deep learning model training literally by 35%! It’s the inter-gallactic topology equivalent of making your pizza delivery guy run faster by giving him roller skates. Because when your business barely grasps the complexity of machine learning, what you definitely need is to heap on some faster model training time.

Accelerating AI/ML development at BMW Group with Amazon SageMaker Studio – Ladies and gentlemen, brace for another round of, "We ran out of acronyms so we just slammed words together." The BMW Group is now riding shotgun with Amazon Sagemaker Studio to only just “accelerate” AI/ML development. I can’t decide if this is a testament to the pace of AI/ML, Amazon’s magical marketing powers, or BMW’s willingness to jump into acronyms soup – probably a german engineered mix of all three.

Amazon Transcribe announces a new speech foundation model-powered ASR system that expands support to over 100 languages – "Awesome. AWS’s transcribe service – the one we all forgot existed until this middle-of-the-night blog post – now supports over 100 languages. Now, if only it could decipher the dialect of my manager’s impossible cloud budget expectations we’d really be getting somewhere."

Announcing new tools and capabilities to enable responsible AI innovation – "Ah, AWS makes another valuable addition to the ever-growing tower of AI tools and capabilities, because what every developer needs is more complexity to their machine learning models. Here’s to ‘responsible’ AI innovation, whatever that might mean beyond an eloquent buzzword soup served by the AWS marketing team. Can’t wait!"

Automating product description generation with Amazon Bedrock – Trust Amazon to make another announcement about using “AI magic” to automate product descriptions with their new service, Bedrock. I can see it now: one poorly defined neural network later and my mug’s description reads like it’s a transformer – "Ceramic beast with hot liquid carrying capabilities".

AWS AI services enhanced with FM-powered capabilities – Oh look, AWS has sprinkled some fairy-dust called FM-powered capabilities on its AI services. Now if only we knew what ‘FM’ actually stood for. Frequency Modulation? Full metal? Or perhaps, it’s Fresh Malarkey, knowing AWS’ penchant for snazzy jargon.

Boost inference performance for LLMs with new Amazon SageMaker containers – In the latest effort to make sure you can’t escape their clutches, AWS presents new Amazon SageMaker Containers designed to pump up inference performance for LLMS. The only inference I’m making here is this is another ploy to get us hooked on their ever-growing list of low, low, low (to start with) service costs.

Build and evaluate machine learning models with advanced configurations using the SageMaker Canvas model leaderboard – Oh great, AWS just unveiled the SageMaker Canvas Model Leaderboard. Because what the world really needed was another AWS tool disguised as a helping hand to ‘simplify’ machine learning. Now, you too can build and evaluate machine learning models across multiple configurations as you slowly descend into AWS-managed madness.

Build brand loyalty by recommending actions to your users with Amazon Personalize Next Best Action – So, AWS wants you to use Personalize to forecast your customers’ "next best action." Ah, yes, because nothing says “brand loyalty” like leveraging the power of predictive AI to manipulate your customer’s behavior. I mean, who needs trust and quality products when you have algorithms, right?

Democratize ML on Salesforce Data Cloud with no-code Amazon SageMaker Canvas – In their relentless quest to solve problems no one actually has, AWS’s latest moves include using Amazon Sagemaker Canvas to "democratize" machine learning on Salesforce Data Cloud, all without needing to code. If splashing the term ‘no-code’ all over their product guarantees success, then was the whole ‘learn to code’ movement just a ruse? Only AWS knows…

Drive hyper-personalized customer experiences with Amazon Personalize and generative AI – Amazon has once again defended its title as ‘The King of Buzzwords’. Mixing "hyper-personalized customer experiences", "Amazon Personalize" and "Generative AI" in a single breath, it’s like they’re playing tech jargon bingo over there. Just waiting for them to shout "house"!

Easily build semantic image search using Amazon Titan – Ah, yes! A simple solution via Amazon Titan to build semantic image search, because who doesn’t enjoy embarking on a wild, confusing goose chase just to find one obscure cat gif in their operating system? After all, it’s not like we have anything else to do, do we?

Elevate your self-service assistants with new generative AI features in Amazon Lex – Amazon Lex just rolled out "generative AI features", and surprisingly it isn’t a fancy term for creating excuses for why your architecture is more knotted up than a pair of earbuds in your pocket. Brace yourselves, because it’s about to augment your self-service chatbots into AI-powered malfunctioning Shakespearean actors.

Evaluate large language models for quality and responsibility – Well, for all you AI enthusiasts, AWS has gracefully descended from its ivory towers with another blog post. They’re now apparently "evaluating language models for quality and responsibility." Sure, because when I think of quality control and responsibility, monolithic entities using algorithms capable of wreaking havoc in AI language models spring to mind. AWS: still trying to convince us they’re the responsible adults in the room.

How SnapLogic built a text-to-pipeline application with Amazon Bedrock to translate business intent into action – In a startling revelation, SnapLogic has been playing sorcerer with Amazon Bedrock, conjuring up a text-to-pipeline application. It turns data science into a "Choose Your Own Adventure" book for business folks who now can turn their ‘intent’ into ‘action’. Oh joy, another attempt to make coding sound as easy as deciphering hieroglyphics using Google Translate.

Introducing Amazon SageMaker HyperPod to train foundation models at scale – In yet another "we’ve done it again" moment, AWS, the master of acronyms, has launched SageMaker HyperPod. Remember when AWS just sold books? Now it’s mechanically orchestrating your AI, while indirectly asking you for a PhD in deciphering their complex web of services. Isn’t evolution beautiful?

Introducing the AWS Generative AI Innovation Center’s Custom Model Program for Anthropic Claude – In another glorious attempt to hide the simplicity of AI with complex names, AWS presents the ‘Generative AI Innovation Centers Custom Model Program for Anthropic Claude’ – because who needs understandable names, right? Can’t wait to comprehend what Anthropic Claude does by translating 500 lines of cloud jargon into human language.

Introducing three new NVIDIA GPU-based Amazon EC2 instances – "Amazon, not to be outdone in the GPU arms race, dropped yet another three NVIDIA GPU-based EC2 instances like they’re harvesting GPUs in their backyard. Because nothing screams ‘we want your money’ more than offering more sexy hardware to those trying to beat the Kobayashi Maru of machine learning problems. "

Learn how to assess the risk of AI systems – Sure, AWS is now schooling us on assessing AI risks, because when I think of safety, I always think of the same company that gave us public S3 buckets. Here’s an idea for risk assessment: maybe start by checking if your data is on the internet for the world to see!

Minimize real-time inference latency by using Amazon SageMaker routing strategies – In its latest act of charity towards those stuck in the latency abyss, AWS has unsheathed the shining sword of SageMaker Routing Strategies. Now you can optimize your real-time model prediction path by routing it through different model variants, assuring you don’t break the Time-Space Continuum. Enjoy this new level of pondering whether the problem was your crappy model or AWS’s routing strategy.

New – Code Editor, based on Code-OSS VS Code Open Source now available in Amazon SageMaker Studio – In true AWS fashion, they’ve unveiled an upgrade for those of us using Amazon SageMaker – a new code editor. While everyone’s rushing to play with the shiny new toy, be aware that it’s not actually ‘new-new’ but rather a basardized version of Microsoft’s lovely VS Code. Sorry Amazon, repackaging doesn’t make it unique.

Operationalize LLM Evaluation at Scale using Amazon SageMaker Clarify and MLOps services – AWS announces that you can now put Longitudinal Language Model (LLM) to work at Scale using Amazon SageMaker Clarify and MLOps Services. Great, because when I think of "scale," the first thing that comes to mind is something as crystal clear and broadly understood as Longitudinal Language Models. Thanks AWS, you’ve really solved a problem literally no one was struggling with.

Optimizing costs for Amazon SageMaker Canvas with automatic shutdown of idle apps – In a tremendous twist of events, AWS SageMaker Canvas has finally discovered the magic button that might help stop burning through your cash: an automatic shutdown for idle apps. Wow. Do we get a trophy for participating in this late-stage frugality event, AWS?

Package and deploy classical ML and LLMs easily with Amazon SageMaker, part 1: PySDK Improvements – AWS is back with yet another chapter in their exciting SageMaker saga, now allowing you to easily package, deploy, and manage both your Classical ML and LLMs. And with their PySDK improvements, they’ve once again proven that they always have one more trick up their sleeve. Sleep peacefully Luddites; the machines aren’t coming for your jobs just yet.

Package and deploy classical ML and LLMs easily with Amazon SageMaker, part 2: Interactive User Experiences in SageMaker Studio – Ah yes, Amazon SageMaker: the system that brings the thrilling chaos of a casino to your ML workflows. Now you can use it to package and deploy classical ML and LLMs – because when I think ‘cutting edge machine learning’, I think 400-year-old music and light bulbs.

Reduce model deployment costs by 50% on average using the latest features of Amazon SageMaker – Great news from AWS! With their latest feature improvements to SageMaker, you can now just halve your model deployment costs! Service improvements are cool, but somehow AWS always manages to add a subtle ‘$’ sign at the end of its sentences because, let’s face it, they’re still AWS. At least it’s comforting to know you can cut budget on a service you didn’t know you were overspending on in the first place.

Scale foundation model inference to hundreds of models with Amazon SageMaker – Part 1 – Ah, looks like AWS has come out with yet another feature you can’t pronounce in one breath: ‘Scaling Foundation Model inference with SageMaker’. Now you can juggle hundreds of models at once, because there clearly aren’t enough buzzwords in your life. Never mind understanding what any of it does; just throw it in your next presentation to sound smart!

Schedule Amazon SageMaker notebook jobs and manage multi-step notebook workflows using APIs – So, AWS SageMaker now works like an overly complicated alarm clock allowing you to schedule jobs. Ah and let’s not forget, you can manage ‘multi-step notebook workflows’ using APIs too. Because who in their right mind wouldn’t want to bind together series of steps in their notebooks with a web-services protocol? Perfect for those just craving a little extra confusion in their lives.

Simplify data prep for generative AI with Amazon SageMaker Data Wrangler – In a classic move, AWS has decided our lives were just too easy and released Amazon Sagemaker Data Wrangler to, you guessed it, “simplify data prep for gen AI”. Because when I think of simple, I think of wrangling data on a platform that has more services than I have fingers.

Welcome to a New Era of Building in the Cloud with Generative AI on AWS – AWS debuted their new ‘Generative AI’, which they’ve grandiosely billed as the dawn of a ‘new era’. I can’t wait for all my complicated infrastructure issues to be solved by, presumably, a magical AI architectural fairy who builds everything while singing a jaunty tune. I’d like to personally welcome our new AI overlord, and can’t wait to figure out what I’ve done to be charged for this wonder.

Build a GraphQL API for your Amazon Aurora MySQL database using AWS AppSync and the RDS Data API – "Oh great, more acronyms to add to our AWS soup, just what we needed. Now we can cobble together a GraphQL API for our Aurora MySQL database with AppSync and RDS Data API. Because why make something straightforward when you can make it convoluted AND expensive?"

Create a GraphQL API for any existing MySQL and PostgreSQL database – In a surprising twist, AWS decides to go all Dr. Frankenstein on us. They’ve whipped up a GraphQL API creation tool for any existing MySQL and PostgreSQL databases—because, why create new features when you can just duct tape some old ones together? Unleashing your databases on a wild API adventure? Yeah, nothing can go wrong with that.

Audit and visualize ephemeral EC2 instances using AWS CloudTrail Lake as a zero-ETL data source in Amazon Athena – So now you can "audit and visualize ephemeral EC2 instances" using Athena and CloudTrail Lake – because who doesn’t love staring at the ghostly apparitions of their long-gone servers? If you ever wake up in a cold sweat thinking, "Did I remember to track my ephemeral EC2 instances in my zero ETL Data source?!" AWS is here for you, as usual with their specific and not-at-all super niche solutions.

AWS Audit Manager launches AWS Best Practices Framework for Generative AI – "Ah, the folks over at AWS have graced us with yet another tool, AWS Audit Manager, whose name alone promises all the entertainment of invoicing in double-entry bookkeeping. Now they’ve really outdone themselves, launching a ‘Best Practices Framework for Generative AI.’ Finally, I can rest easy knowing that AWS is putting their vast resources into saving us from making a LITERAL ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE faux pas. What a relief!"

Continuously optimize your operational excellence posture through AWS Trusted Advisor – Oh, thank goodness! AWS has just announced that, through Trusted Advisor, they’ll tell me how ‘operationally excellent’ I am. Because what I need right now is yet another cloud service grading me on scales that mean absolutely nothing to anyone outside of the AWS reality distortion bubble. Thanks for the ego boost, Amazon!

Expand the depth of Well-Architected Reviews with the new Lens Catalog Feature – Well, folks, seems AWS is further complicating our lives with its new Lens Catalog feature for the Well-Architected Reviews. Imagine you’re in an optometrist’s office getting your vision examined, but instead, it’s your cloud infrastructure getting a check-up with a gazillion new lenses. Buckle up everyone, because AWS clearly thinks we’re not in enough pain already.

How to record resource configuration changes periodically with AWS Config – In usual AWS style of turning basic needs into full-blown services, behold its latest creation – AWS Config. Because we were all losing sleep over not being able to record resource configuration changes periodically. Can’t wait for the day when AWS gives us a service to remember where we left our keys.

Automating large scale deployments with tags for Amazon VPC Lattice – In a remarkable display of innovation, AWS has introduced a "revolutionary" concept of using tags for large-scale deployments in Amazon VPC Lattice. Because apparently, associating metadata with resources is a ground-breaking idea in 2022. Who knew simple housekeeping could be repackaged as automation? Thanks for the fresh take, AWS!

Improving availability with Application Load Balancer automatic target weights – Oh, look! AWS is now automatically adjusting load balancer weights to ensure your applications unintentionally receive a comedy of errors in traffic distribution. Because remember, we’re in the cloud era – your problems aren’t just your own but rather, generously auto-proportioned by AWS. Better keep your crash helmets handy.

Introducing Amazon Q support for network troubleshooting (preview) – Hold onto your credits folks, AWS has just announced Amazon Q. What’s Amazon Q, you ask? It’s not a secret society or a new software that’ll save us all, just a flashy new support feature for network troubleshooting. But hey, if AWS feels the need to embellish it with a mysterious name, who am I to rain on their parade?

Using ENA Express to improve workload performance on AWS – "Oh great, another service from AWS to improve workload performance – ENA Express. Yes because what I was missing in my life was another compound AWS acronym that sounds like an invasive medical procedure. Can’t wait to see how this one plays out on my cloud bill!"

Announcing the 2023-2024 AWS IMAGINE Grant winners – AWS has generously shoveled a pile of ‘Bezos Bucks’ towards the 2023-2024 Imagine Grant Winners. It’s like a "cloud lottery," where instead of getting stuck with massive unexpected charges, they give you money. Go figure. Enjoy it while it lasts!

AWS Tech Alliance expands to include Germany, Italy and Singapore – AWS has decided to grace Germany, Italy, and Singapore with its Tech Alliance. Isn’t it kind of them to admit these countries also use tech? I’m sure they all tweeted their gratitude from their rotary phones and typewriters.

Covered California provides affordable healthcare access, powered by AWS – In their never-ending quest to coin every single term, AWS now brings us "Healthcare-as-a-Service". Apparently, Covered California thought to themselves, "Healthcare, that’s something that HASN’T been mired in enough controversy, let’s throw cloud computing into the mix for some added spice".

Highlights from the re:Invent 2023 public sector Innovation Talk – In an unforgettable oration rivaling the Gettysburg Address, Dave Levy talks innovation at the re:Invent. Inspiring us all with visionary insights like "we’re cloud-forward", proving once again that re:Invent is the yearly pilgrimage for those keen to witness the latest in Amazon’s paint-drying department seances.

Icometrix helps to detect and treat neurological diseases with AI imaging, powered by AWS – In a classic play of tech buzzword bingo, AWS now helps Icometrix detect your brain’s misfiring neurons with AI imaging. So, you’re in luck if you’re cashing in for the chance to have AWS give you a neurological prognosis. You know, just in case you wanted a Zettabyte-scale cloud provider involved in your healthcare.

Nebraska Judicial Branch modernizes its Electronic Exhibits System using AWS – In a hasty attempt to separate corn from their servers, the Nebraska Judicial Branch is now storing electronic exhibits in the Cloud. Rest assured, they’re using AWS – because who needs redundancy or backups on something as trivial as judicial records!

SeloVerde uses geospatial big data and AI/ML to monitor deforestation in supply chains, powered by AWS – Well, Seloverde has now jumped onto the Amazon hypocrisy express! Using AWS to monitor deforestation, while directly contributing to it seems like the greenwashing scheme of the decade. I guess it’s a case of Amazon observing its ecosystem destruction in high-definition, real-time imagery from geospatial big data and AI — so modern, so meta.

Top highlights from AWS worldwide public sector partners at re:Invent 2023 – Looks like AWS again decided to treat us with their annual carnival of corporate synergy – re:Invent 2023. If you’ve missed it, don’t worry, they’ve helpfully collated the highlights from their worldwide public-sector partners, also known as a laundry list of companies looking to sell you cloud-related stuff you probably don’t need. Thank God! I was running out of unused services to ignore.

Introducing the Amazon Braket Learning Plan and Digital Badge – Amazon just casually slipped in a Blogspot about its new Braket Learning Plan and Digital Badge. I guess if throwing quantum computing terms at a dartboard doesn’t mystically solve your business problems, a shiny new digital badge surely will. Quick, someone call the Nobel committee!

Fall 2023 SOC reports now available with 171 services in scope – In an act of valiant transparency, AWS has released their SOC reports for Fall 2023, and it seems they’ve managed to squeeze in a whopping 171 services. Bravo, AWS, I can now sleep better knowing Route 53 Resolver Query Logging has been audited. Nothing screams reassurance like a mountain of services most of us don’t even recognize.

How to improve cross-account access for SaaS applications accessing customer accounts – In yet another blog post titled "How to improve cross-account access for SaaS applications accessing customer accounts", AWS decides to conclude its season of "Game of Roles" series, where every IAM role is a legitimate heir to the throne of your cloud infrastructure. If you were waiting for another thrilling episode of the AWS identity management telenovela, well buckle up – it’s about to get unnecessarily complex, yet surprisingly underwhelming.

How to use the BatchGetSecretsValue API to improve your client-side applications with AWS Secrets Manager – AWS now wants you to improve your client-side applications with their super snazzy BatchGetSecretsValue API – because why deal with one secret at a time when you can batch them up and pretend you’re running an episode of a spy thriller show? Just remember, with great AWS power comes great AWS bills.

How to use the PassRole permission with IAM roles – In a dazzling act of clarity, AWS has graced us with wisdom about how to use the PassRole permission with IAM Roles. Who knew that not understanding something could be solved with a simple blog post, right? Clearly, we’ve all been underusing our crystal balls and AWS thinks we’ve been impatiently waiting to have this mystery unraveled.

Introducing IAM Access Analyzer custom policy checks – In a bold move of innovation that rivals inventing sliced bread, AWS presents IAM Access Analyzer Custom Policy Checks. It’s another tool for AWS users to add to their growing arsenal of things that will confuse them while they still find themselves knee-deep in a security incident. It’s AWS’ latest gift wrapped with a nice bow, the contents of which we get to figure out… hopefully, before sunrise.

Introducing new central configuration capabilities in AWS Security Hub – Look who got fancy! AWS Security Hub now boasts ‘central configuration capabilities.’ What a mouth full! Yes, this feature could save us all from the tedious manual enabling of security checks, but a tog if only AWS could automate naming their features something less dull.

Optimize AWS administration with IAM paths – Once again, AWS is here to slap a Band-Aid on the gaping knife wound that is their permission structure. This time they’re introducing IAM paths, which almost sounds efficient until you realize it’s just another twisted labyrinth in the endless maze of their security model.

Security at multiple layers for web-administered apps – Your "not-at-all-overwhelming" AWS security framework is here, folks! Get ready for a multi-layered approach to security that’s as complex as peeling an onion and equally likely to make you cry. No longer will your apps be bare to the online world, they’ll now be buried under stacks of web administered security mechanisms. Crisis or early Christmas miracle – you decide!

Upcoming improvements to your AWS sign-in experience – In a bold act of bravery, AWS has decided to embark on the herculean task of improving sign-in experience. Yes folks, we’re witnessing real innovation here, someone give them a medal! Maybe next they’ll delve into the uncanny world of customized user avatars. Hold on to your seats, it’s going to be a bumpy ride!

Use CodeWhisperer to identify issues and use suggestions to improve code security in your IDE – AWS is now whispering secrets into our IDEs with CodeWhisperer, pretending we enjoy unsolicited coding advice. Really what we needed was another AI telling us how to write our security code. Because nothing says secure like a public cloud vendor and unwanted code prompts.

Use IAM Identity Center APIs to audit and manage application assignments – In lesser understood terms, AWS pulled the curtains off their shiny IAM Identity Center APIs, promising to make auditing and managing application assignments as exciting as dishwashing. A breakthrough undoubtedly inspired as an answer to our tireless simmering dissatisfaction about reliable IAM governance tool. Circle the date folks, it’s groundhog day in the AWS universe.

Use IAM Roles Anywhere to help you improve security in on-premises container workloads – You can now, finally, use IAM roles wherever your heart desires. That’s right folks, AWS has finally had a light bulb moment that perhaps, just perhaps, you might want to use their services outside their ever-growing cosmos. So, lo and behold, you can now gain the assured security for your on-premises container workloads without nearly as much convoluted head-scratching. How considerate, right?

WebSocket APIs: Showcasing a Practical Networking Solution – AWS has unveiled WebSocket APIs as the shiny new toy in their service collection to keep you "networking in unity" or something clever like that. Giving us a sampler pack of AWS and Unity code, it’s like getting a cheese platter where half the cheese labels are written in another language. You’ll keep smiling because AWS has promised it’s ‘practical’, just like doing gymnastics in a phone booth.

Akridata accelerates processing of unstructured data with Amazon S3 Express One Zone – Akridata feels the need for speed and they’re teaming up with Amazon S3 Express One Zone to get their Fast & Furious on, handling unstructured data like it’s rush hour traffic. Just when you thought the cloud couldn’t do more miracles, suddenly it’s making sense of unstructured data faster than you can say "over-provisioned bandwidth."

Amazon S3 Express One Zone delivers cost and performance gains for ChaosSearch customers – Ah, AWS has rolled out S3 Express One Zone, dubbing it a cost and performance boon for ChaosSearch customers. Now, instead of spending a fortune safeguarding your data in multiple zones, you get to risk it all in a single zone at a slightly cheaper rate. Because who doesn’t want to flirt with disaster, right?

ClickHouse Cloud & Amazon S3 Express One Zone: Making a blazing fast analytical database even faster – In today’s edition of "speed isn’t everything, but we’re going to act like it is anyway," AWS unveils ClickHouse’s integration with S3 One Zone’s inferior durability. It’s like AWS is convincing its customers, "hey, let’s trade in slower, highly durable storage for something fleeting but faster, because who needs data backups anyway?"

How to develop a user-facing data application with IAM Identity Center and S3 Access Grants (Part 2) – Basking in the sheer endless potential of AWS’s IAM Identity Center and S3 Access Grants? Well, here’s yet another intensely granular blog post from AWS to put your insomnia on the run. This time, they’re teaching you how to develop a user-facing data application that will probably confuse your users more than it enlightens them. AWS: the gift that keeps on giving you more reading material than a college literature course.

How to develop a user-facing data application with IAM Identity Center and S3 Access Grants (Part 1) – "Another day, another AWS blog revealing the secrets of S3 data app development—now with heavy hints of IAM Identity Centre and Access Grants. Hopefully, you’ve got a degree in AWS cryptology. If not, congratulations on your new full-time hobby! Yes, it’s technically free, but remember, friends, time is money and sanity is precious. Happy building!"

How to enforce Amazon S3 Access Grants with Immuta – Ah, good ol’ Amazon is teaching us how to enforce S3 access grants with Immuta. Let’s all gather ’round for another session of "Exciting Misadventures in AWS Configuration". It’s kind of like telling your kid to clean their room and creating a machine learning model to monitor if they’re actually doing it or not.

Accelerate Amazon S3 throughput with the AWS Common Runtime – In classic AWS fashion, they’re now attributing their mediocre S3 throughput to the AWS CLI and Boto3, and proposing the AWS Common Runtime as the hero of the day. Because, apparently, "We’ve been doing it wrong all these years but hey, look at this shiny new toy" is a thematic narrative for them now.

lakeFS and Amazon S3 Express One Zone: Highly performant data version control for ML/AI – In an apparent quest to add more complexity to your data lake, AWS now wants you to implement version control with LakeFS and S3 — because what Machine Learning and AI projects were really missing was replicating the joy of a git merge conflict, but in object storage.

Scaling data access with Amazon S3 Access Grants – In a world starving for simplicity, Amazon boldly strides into the future with "Amazon S3 Access Grants," or as they could also be called, "ONE MORE THING TO GO WRONG FOR YOUR BUCKET POLICIES!" It’s like they’re serving up a buffet of dictionary attacks and privacy breaches – the only thing it doesn’t scale is your free time!

Simplify querying your archive data in Amazon S3 with Amazon Athena – In the latest episode of ‘Unnecessarily Making Things Complicated’, AWS introduces the ability to query your archive data in S3 using Athena, because who doesn’t love wrapping their head around yet another absurdly complex service? Now you can enjoy the hassle of deciphering the cryptic error messages of Athena while rummaging through archive data you probably forgot even existed.

Streamline data sharing and access control with Informatica Cloud Data Marketplace and Amazon S3 Access Grants – In the latest episode of "AWS and Informatica redefine ‘exciting’", we now have the Cloud Data Marketplace and S3 Access Grants making data sharing as thrilling as watching paint dry. Because who doesn’t get a rush from the wild world of streamlined access control, right? And if you were losing sleep over data management complexities, rest easy—the answer to your overwhelmingly specific insomnia is here.

Use Amazon FSx for Lustre to share Amazon S3 data across accounts – Ah yes, Amazon FSx for Lustre, a service so niche that when its blog posts drop, even the tumbleweed stops to say "huh?" Apparently, now you can use it to share S3 data across accounts because… reasons? Not sure who asked for this, but hey, it’s there if five people across the globe and their pet chameleon ever need it.

AWS Supply Chain announces new upstream capabilities – Oh look, AWS Supply Chain has decided to showcase some "new upstream capabilities." Because, you know, "upstream" always had such a clear meaning in the tech ecosystem. So let’s all pretend we perfectly understand what this new enhancement actually does and start flipping coins to decide if we’ll implement it.

Learn to build machine learning models and generative AI applications using new AWS courses – AWS just announced new courses on building Machine Learning models and Generative AI applications. Clearly someone over there took their New Year’s resolution of "making more money" seriously — adding to their infinite collection of courses is certainly one strategy. You’ve got to appreciate their optimistic belief that we can all suddenly become AI experts overnight.

The BMW Group upskills 2,500 employees with Platform Academy, builds sustainable workforce in South Africa – So BMW has decided to upskill 2500 employees with AWS’s ‘Platform Academy’ in South Africa. Brilliant! Because if there’s anything that screams “sustainable workforce," it’s subjecting people to a program that’ll teach them about an impenetrable cloud service labyrinth that no two living humans completely understand. Way to go BMW, a solid on-ramp to job security right there!


MicahParks/aws-ses-web-ui – empty

Jawa – Visual Scraper – empty

… and that’s what happened Last Week in AWS.

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