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Amazon Athena adds CloudWatch metrics for Provisioned Capacity – Glad to see that Athena is finally stepping up its game with CloudWatch Capacity Units Metrics. Now I can monitor my queries’ consumption just like I monitor my coffee consumption; excessively and with an intense level of concern for my wallet.

Amazon Athena adds cost-based optimizer to enhance query performance – Ah, just what I was waiting for: Amazon Athena decides our queries weren’t quite expensive enough and unleashes its cost-based optimizer to “enhance” performance. That’s corporate speak for "we’re replacing your pocket change with bills, but hey, enjoy the prettier graphs."

New JDBC driver now available for Amazon Athena – Amazon Athena’s new JDBC driver is here but brace yourselves; it turns out you’ve been granted the power to make your own ‘serverless’ existentially anguishing databases. Now, you can dunk terabytes of data into a hole and pay your way out as Athena politely inflicts ‘pay-per-query’ torture. It’s like paying a tax for asking questions!

Amazon CloudFront announces CloudFront KeyValueStore, a globally managed key value datastore – In its constant quest to bamboozle us with excessive jargon, AWS churns out a new shiny toy – "Amazon CloudFront Key-Value Store". It’s undeniably a global behemoth pumped up with key-value storage capabilities, potentially named by someone pulling words from the "cloud lingo" hat and stringing them together for fun!

Amazon CodeCatalyst now supports single sign-on using AWS IAM Identity Center – In another episode of "we built this because we needed it, so you get it too," AWS introduces CodeCatalyst Single Sign-On. Because nothing beats the thrill of playing ‘Where’s Waldo’ with your many AWS IAM identities at 2 am on a Tuesday. Efficient? Maybe. Necessary? Debatable. Priced fairly? Ha, cute.

Amazon CodeCatalyst now supports Virtual Private Cloud – It seems the folks over at AWS have realized people don’t just code on public networks with their latest announcement. Brace yourself, because Amazon CodeCatalyst now supports Virtual Private Cloud. Who knew you could protect your precious code within your own private little cloud kingdom? Revolutionary!

Announcing teams for Amazon CodeCatalyst – In a shocking twist that nobody saw coming, AWS has launched Amazon CodeCatalyst. Because apparently, what the world of developers is truly hungry for is yet another tool from Big Bezos’ tech buffet. Buckle up folks, the coding revolution will, as always, be AWS-branded!

Introducing Amazon CodeWhisperer for command line (preview) – In yet another display of their mastery over whimsical product naming, AWS just announced a preview of ‘Amazon CodeWhisperer’, designed to help you command your code to do your bidding from the command line. Expected to be the next best thing since that talking fish on your wall, it’s the perfect tool for those who find joy in typing lines upon lines of commands. Buttons are so outdated anyway!

Amazon Connect now provides a Contact Lens conversational analytics dashboard – Well, Amazon Connect Contact Lens continues to put eyewear stores to shame. They’ve spruced up their offering with a new analytics dashboard that’s probably got more charts and graphs than a high school trigonometry textbook. Brace yourselves folks, because now we have yet another way to quantify exactly how much our customers don’t want to talk to us!

Amazon Connect now provides a pre-built queue performance dashboard – In the typical AWS fashion of flooding us with updates of varying necessity, they’ve unveiled the pre-built Queue Performance Dashboard for Amazon Connect. Not sure if it’s for lack of faith in our skills or pure philanthropy, they’re spoon-feeding us pre-packaged solutions. Now I just sit back, watch numbers flickering on a dashboard, and pretend that I understand customer behavior.

Amazon Connect now offers quick responses for contact center agents engaged in chats – In a groundbreaking move, AWS just saved us thousands of annoying back-and-forths with "Amazon Connect Quick Responses". Now contact center agents can fend off your queries with pre-determined, robotic responses, because nothing embodies the spirit of genuine customer service like automated replies.

Amazon Connect supports visibility and management of applied quotas using AWS Service Quotas – In the latest series of "we heard you like limits so we put in more limits," AWS graces us with Amazon Connect service quotas. Because honestly, who doesn’t love sifting through a labyrinth of quotas for an esoteric telemarketing service that you haven’t dreamt of since your call centre days in the 90s?

AWS announces Amazon DocumentDB I/O-Optimized – In another round of making things sound fancier than they really are, Amazon has introduced ‘I/O optimization’ for DocumentDB. Because apparently saving data wasn’t enough, now they’re making sure it’s saved with all the speed of a caffeinated squirrel. Oh, the innovations never cease to amaze…or confuse.

Amazon DocumentDB (with MongoDB compatibility) is Now Available in the AWS GovCloud (US-East) Region – Amazon’s DocumentDB is now stretching its MongoDB compatibility skills all the way to the AWS GovCloud (US East) region. Because if there’s one thing we know government wants, it’s a slightly off-brand database experience. At this stage, it’s hard to tell if they’re expanding for user convenience or hoping the gov will mistake this for the actual MongoDB.

Amazon DocumentDB now supports no-code machine learning with Amazon SageMaker Canvas – "AWS continues its relentless quest to make everything sound like an episode of Bob Ross’s ‘The Joy of Painting’. With SageMaker Canvas, you too can use Amazon DocumentDB without writing a single line of code! It’s like they’re appealing to our inner lazy programmer to create databases using the magic of AWS AI. But ask yourself, do those ‘happy little databases’ spark joy, or just more AWS bill questions?"

Amazon EC2 C7g, M7g and R7g instances are now available in additional AWS Regions – In a move that’s sure to make data center nerds swoon, AWS has graced another set of regions with EC2 C7g, M7g, and R7g instances. It’s like a modern-day technological magic trick: "For my next act, I will make your processing power… grow, in more places!" Who needs traveling when AWS moves the world to you, one instance type at a time!

Amazon EC2 Mac instances now support Apple macOS Sonoma – Amazon EC2 is at it again. This time, they’re proudly announcing Mac instances support for Apple macOS Sonoma. Phew, because the one thing I was losing sleep over was whether I could run my cat pics app seamlessly on this specific OS within the Amazon ecosystem. New decade, same ‘innovations.’

Amazon ECR adds ability to specify initial configuration for repositories created via pull through cache (Preview) – And in the latest episode of "AWS Functions You Didn’t Know You Needed Until Now", Amazon ECR presents: ‘Initial configuration for repositories and pull-through cache’. Now, I can sleep peacefully knowing even my repositories and caches get their special baby steps setup. Thanks, AWS, for investing your time to make my objects feel right at home!

Amazon ECR pull through cache now supports additional upstream registries – Finally, in a desperate attempt to prove it has more functions than a Swiss Army knife, AWS adds support for additional upstream registries to the ECR pull-through cache. Now, not only can ECR pull images from Docker Hub but also from your grandmother’s vintage Polaroid camera if you’d really like. Just kidding, but it’s only a matter of time.

Amazon Elastic Block Store announces io2 Block Express volumes available on all EC2 Nitro instances – In a shocking twist that no one saw coming, AWS has loved a service so much, it’s been birthed again. The new EBS io2 block express nitro may sound like a Star Wars character, but it’s just another storage offering with a hyped-up name tag. Enjoy juggling these along with the ten others when you next log into your AWS console.

Customers can now launch their Amazon EMR on EC2 clusters in 5 minutes or less – In its latest attempt to see how quickly it can empty your bank account, AWS presents the EMR-on-EC2 startup in under 5 minutes. Now you can go from "I’ve made a terrible mistake" to "Oh God, how do I turn it off?" in record time! I hope you’re as thrilled as your finance department is terrified.

Amazon EMR on Amazon EKS is now available in 3 additional regions – In an unexpected revelation, AWS EMR-on-EKS has discovered a grand total of three new regions on a map! For their next trick, they’ll probably suggest the number after two isn’t three, but Elastic MapReduce! Hold the fireworks, folks, the cloud is expanding…three regions at a time!

Amazon EMR Serverless is now available 4 new AWS Regions – And for their next trick, AWS has blessed more regions with the ability to blow your AWS budget faster than a windy day in Seattle by extending the availability of Amazon EMR Serverless. Now, more of us can marvel at impressive amounts of "serverless" technology that still surprisingly use servers and charge you for their time like a high-end lawyer on a Sunday.

Amazon EMR Studio is now available in 4 new AWS Regions – "Amazon strikes again with the ‘innovative’ concept of expanding its EMR Studio to 4 new regions. Because nothing screams cloud innovation like allowing previously blocked customers access to AWS services. Big wave fellas, Amazon’s regional restrictions are catching up to the 21st century!"

Amazon EMR Studio now supports Amazon CodeWhisperer – Amazon has released EMR Studio and Codewhisperer, a new service that allows data scientists and the criminally fearless to write fluffy codes in aid of ECS tasks. It’s like someone at AWS said, “Sure, what the world really needs is more ways to write convoluted map reduce jobs… because apparently Hadoop wasn’t labyrinthine enough."

Amazon EMR Studio adds interactive query editor powered by Amazon Athena – In the latest episode of "Unsolved Mysteries: AWS Edition", Amazon EMR Studio has teamed up with Athena for query editing, because clearly, nothing says ‘efficiency’ like merging two overly complex services. Now you can sit back and have your brain melt in real-time, while you attempt to navigate the labyrinth that is AWS Big Data solutions.

Amazon EventBridge EventBus announces support for read-only API events from CloudTrail – In a move that will undoubtedly be met with feverish admiration by all six people who understand it, AWS has lovingly gifted EventBridge a read-only API in CloudTrail. Because there’s nothing our dashboards needed more than the ability to go back in time and re-live every thrilling alert that ever passed through our infrastructure. Oh joy!

Amazon FSx for OpenZFS now provides additional performance metrics and an enhanced monitoring dashboard – And in ‘Things Nobody Asked For’ news, Amazon FSx has graced all two of its devoted OpenZFS users with enhanced monitoring dashboards. Now you can dive deep into performance metrics, discovering just how phenomenally underwhelming your file system performance truly is. Buckle up.

Amazon Kinesis Data Streams launches cross-account access with AWS Lambda – In a move that’ll make you question what year it is, Amazon has graciously decided to grant cross-account access for Kinesis Data Streams to AWS Lambda. Now you’ll be able to send your data on a scenic cross-account journey, right before it gets gobbled up by Lambda. As they say, it’s about the journey, not the destination—unless your data was destined to be lost in the first place.

Amazon OpenSearch Ingestion is now available in 3 additional commercial regions – Well folks, it seems Amazon has finally spread its OpenSearch Ingestion to more commercial regions. Now we can all sleep sound knowing that your software has the same chances of failing in Tokyo or Sydney as it does in US East. Oh, the beauty of consistent, global incompetence.

Amazon OpenSearch Ingestion now supports migrating your ElasticSearch indexes to Amazon OpenSearch Service – AWS has bravely announced a new migratory path for Elasticsearch indexes to "settling down in their forever home" OpenSearch service. So pull up your well-worn checkered flannel shirt sleeves, hitch your reactive-tweeting-belt, and prepare for an Elasticsearch index holiday traffic. The wisdom of this move is yet to be discovered; buckle up, folks!

Amazon OpenSearch Ingestion announces support for persistent buffering – Oh great, Amazon’s OpenSearch now supports persistent buffering during ingestion. Because when I think of relaxing, I think of buffering endlessly, almost as soothing as a Monday morning AWS bill review. I wonder if anything about AWS will ever be as ‘persistent’ as their relentless service updates.

Amazon OpenSearch Service now supports OpenSearch version 2.11 – In the latest riveting update, Amazon OpenSearch grudgingly decides to catch up with the rest of the world, now supporting version 2.11. As if! My pet hamster had already reached ver 2.12 in his OpenSearch home project. Better late than never, right AWS?

New Amazon Pinpoint SMS management capabilities for developers – Amazon Web Services has just drunk the "expand everything" Kool Aid once again and brought SMS capabilities to Pinpoint, just in case you thought logging into your console, sorting out a tons of metrics and managing infrastructure wasn’t enough, now you can also get spammed through your phone. Safe to say, now developers can enjoy their morning coffee with a healthy side of SMS notifications, freshly delivered from the AWS Cloud cataclysm, straight to their personal devices.

Amazon QuickSight now supports asset events using Amazon EventBridge – In their never-ending quest to create more and more services you likely won’t use, AWS introduces QuickSight Asset Events for EventBridge. I’m sure the 3 people using QuickSight and EventBridge in tandem got really thrilled. Maverick move: turning obscure features no one asked for into new product releases.

Amazon QuickSight now Supports Connectivity to Google BigQuery – Oh look, finally Amazon Quicksight got Google maps. Now you can navigate Google BigQuery without having to exit the Amazon ecosystem. I’m sure Google is just thrilled about this integration development.

Amazon QuickSight launches custom access to capabilities based on roles – In an unsurprising turn of events, AWS has unveiled yet another service update, this time to Amazon QuickSight with custom access capabilities based on roles. Because throwing an ‘Amazon QuickSight party’ just wasn’t cutting it folks, now you can select which guests have the privilege of spilling drinks on your expensive rug…err, I mean…getting to analyze your important business data.

Amazon QuickSight now supports export and import of asset permissions and tags – In another earth-shattering revelation, Amazon QuickSight now allows you to export and import not just assets, but also permissions and tags. Yes, that’s right, folks! Because nothing screams "innovation" like finally adding a feature that should have been a basic function since the product’s birth date.

Amazon QuickSight now supports programmatic user access management by assigning groups to roles – Oh great, yet another service sacrificing user-friendliness for "increased flexibility." AWS has decided to torture us further with Quicksight’s Programmatic User Access Management. Because spending our days waist-deep in indecipherable, bloated code isn’t enough, we now get to automate and manage that joyless confusion too.

Amazon QuickSight launches a new redesigned analysis experience – Ah yes, Amazon QuickSight’s "redesigned analysis experience" is here, because, of course, what’s been missing from our lives is more redesigned software. They’ve improved the "data exploration journey", so buckle up for the wild roller coaster ride that is… perusing datasets.

Amazon QuickSight now supports runtime filtering for embedded dashboards and visuals – "Just when you thought you had seen it all, AWS boosts their WOW factor with Quicksight runtime filtering for embedded dashboards and visuals feature. But it’s okay, we all know AWS was just feeling left out of the ‘unnecessarily long and confusing feature name’ game- sadly, there are no bonus points for including ‘runtime filtering’ and ’embedded dashboards’ in one feature name. No, AWS, you haven’t won the jargon Olympics yet."

Amazon QuickSight now supports runtime theming for embedded dashboards and visuals – In another plea to control every microscopic aspect of your life, AWS proudly chucks out ‘QuickSight runtime theming for embedded dashboards and visuals.’ Because obviously, the prevailing crisis in the world of tech was the lack of real-time, mid-meeting color scheme changes on your business intelligence dashboards. Crisis averted, folks!

Amazon QuickSight supports SPICE capacity auto-purchase – Amazon QuickSight SPICE capacity auto-purchase, new saga from the AWS drama land, now aims to save you a manual click, assuming you’ve figured out what SPICE even stands for. Yes, you can now witness AWS slapping an auto-charge on your bill while you’re still Googling ‘what is an in-memory calculation engine?’.

Amazon RDS Custom for SQL Server extends Point in Time Recovery support for up to 1000 databases – Once again, Amazon has come to rescue us from alleged "database problems" with their custom SQL Server recovery for 1000 databases. Because life isn’t already confusing enough without needing a feature that’s only relevant if you screwed up a thousand databases simultaneously. Brilliant strategy or a cry for help from their product team? You decide.

Amazon RDS for MySQL now supports Group Replication plugin for active-active replication – In yet another move to solve a problem no one really claims to have, AWS steps in with an update for Amazon RDS MySQL using Group Replication Plugin for Active-Active Replication. Because, you know, when I wake up in the morning and look in the mirror, my first thought is, "Gee, I wish my Amazon RDS MySQL databases were even more complicated to manage".

Amazon RDS for PostgreSQL now supports major version 16 – Finally, Amazon RDS for PostgreSQL, the red-headed stepchild of AWS data services, gets a "Major Version Upgrade," to version 16. That’s right folks, remember to set your alarms for 3 a.m. because there’s nothing like an overnight database upgrade to really get your adrenaline pumping.

Amazon RDS for PostgreSQL supports minor versions 15.5, 14.10, 13.13, 12.17, and 11.22 – So, AWS has updated its Amazon RDS for PostgreSQL to some more minor versions, a move that is equivalent to rearranging a few buttons on an accordion. We’re all caught up in their version gymnastics. Make a note guys, it’s 15.5, 14.10, 13.13, 12.17 and 11.22 now.

Amazon Redshift announces integration with AWS Glue column-level statistics – Welcome to the latest episode of AWS’s ongoing series "Let’s make connecting services so complex, people will think they’re navigating a corn maze." This time, they’re charming us with glittering grind of Glue Column Statistics integrating with Redshift. Yes folks, because nothing says "efficiency" quite like unexpectedly merging two services with names that make it sound like they belong more in a sci-fi novel than in your cloud stack.

Amazon Redshift Serverless is now generally available in the AWS China (Beijing) Region – AWS has finally graced Beijing with the blessing of Redshift Serverless, because what could possibly go wrong when you add a dash of “serverless ” to the traffic ridden roads of the Great Firewall? But hey, who wouldn’t want Amazon’s brand of future-proof server sorcery infiltrating every corner of TikTok land?

Amazon Redshift announces support for CNAME – In its ongoing quest to maintain an ever-complex service, AWS has magnanimously bestowed upon us the ability to access RedShift via CNAME. Grab your party hats folks, we’re cruising at breakneck speeds to peak DNS resolution excitement. Maybe next they’ll surprise us with allowing us to print RedShift databases directly onto paper.

Amazon S3 Batch Operations now manages buckets or prefixes in a single step – Ah, good ol’ AWS rolled out S3 Batch Operations for buckets and prefixes in one step – because nothing screams ‘innovation’ quite like letting us do something we expected to be able to do from the start! At this point, maybe they’ll blow our minds next by inventing a tool that can remember our AWS password for us.

Introducing the Amazon S3 Connector for PyTorch – In a clear bid to combine buzzwords to create advanced jargon, Amazon Web Services has engineered a baby named the S3 Connector for PyTorch. Sure, call it an "integration of bucket-filling in machine learning workloads," just remember it’s AWS reminding us, "Hey, why not incorporate more services into your already complex stack?"

Amazon S3 now supports enabling S3 Object Lock on existing buckets – In a brave move, Amazon S3 has decided you might want your data as locked down as their service roadmap. Yes, now with ‘object lock’ you too can fumble around trying to figure out how to unlock your data in case of emergency… just what the doctor ordered!

Amazon S3 server access logging now supports automatic date-based partitioning – In ever so Amazonian style, AWS presents a ‘groundbreaking’ feature: date partitioning on S3 Server Access Logs – finally solving a problem that should not have been there in the first place. Because we all know, lagging behind while everyone moves on with life is Amazon’s go-to hack. And they call it ‘Innovation’. Go figure.

Amazon S3 Storage Lens now aggregates activity and status code metrics by prefix – Oh great, just when you thought your S3 metrics couldn’t get more convoluted, AWS’s S3 Storage Lens is now aggregating activity status code metrics by prefix. Perfect, now I can spend even more time deciphering how my objects are being accessed and why. My bill is still nonsense, but at least my bucket access logs are extremely precise.

Amazon SageMaker Studio now supports automated user setup with IAM Identity Center – Look at AWS over here, rolling out the red carpet for automated user setup on SageMaker Studio via IAM Identity Center. What’s next? Actual friendly AWS pricing? They’re clearly banking on the hope that if they do your chores, you’ll overlook the obscene line-item costs on your monthly bill.

Amazon Verified Permissions now provides an enhanced visual mode for schema editing – Who doesn’t love playing "guess what this IAM policy does" on a Friday night? AWS has just made our lives slightly less frustrating with an "enhanced visual mode" for its Verified Permissions service. Now if only they made an "enhanced visual mode" for understanding my AWS bill…

Amazon Verified Permissions now supports batch authorization – Ah yes, Amazon Verified Permissions now supports batch authorization, because who doesn’t need a truckload of permissions to add to their otherwise perfectly sensible AWS services. Now you can mess up your security in bulk and at scale. Happy untroubled sailing, indeed.

Amazon VPC IP Address Manager adds a free features tier, including AWS Organization-wide Public IP Insights – So, AWS is gifting us a "free tier" for their VPC Address Manager, a feature we didn’t even know we needed until they told us! Just when you thought you’d gotten the hang of AWS, they drop a new tool that’s as thrilling and as intuitive as trying to speak fifth-century Latin to your dog.

Amazon VPC IP Address Manager now automates IP address assignments for VPC subnets – Amazon has unveiled a shiny new toy, the VPC IP Address Manager, which will manipulate the assignments of your VPC subnets. Because manually managing all those pesky IP addresses in the massive jungle that is your VPC was just too passé. Get ready for more complicated, perfectly inscrutable networking configurations!

Amazon VPC IP Address Manager now allows you to Bring Your Own ASN to AWS – Brace yourselves, folks – Amazon’s VPC IP Address Manager went a notch higher and now allows you to cart around your own ASN at AWS. Because clearly, what we were all clamoring for was yet another BYO thing to add to the endlessly growing AWS BYO list.

Apache Flink is now generally available for Amazon EMR on EKS – AWS has just unveiled that Apache Flink is now available on Amazon EMR and EKS. It seems AWS is hell-bent on giving us the options that we never knew—or cared—we needed. Now I can contemplate whether I need more undecipherable words like ‘Flink’ on top of EMR or EKS. My existential crisis continues.

Application and Network Load Balancer now supports FIPS 140-3 for TLS Termination – In yet another announcement designed to make your cybersecurity team feel vaguely more valuable, AWS has granted them their very own acronym stew with Application Load Balancer FIPS TLS Termination. Now, to ensure security, you can’t just have your data taking a leisurely stroll across the Internet. It must be escorted by a bulletproof limousine of cryptographic protocols. But hey, at least it’s keeping the acronym business booming.

Automate application-consistent EBS Snapshots for SAP HANA databases – Good news folks! Now you can automatically snapshot your SAP HANA databases on EBS, because manually doing it was clearly as fun as a dental checkup. Just be sure to watch your bill – automated convenience often has a fancy habit of bleeding into a raging cost monster, courtesy of AWS.

Introducing the AWS Advertising and Marketing Technology Competency – In the latest episode of ‘What Niche Area Can AWS Stick Its Nose Into Next?’ the cloud giant has unveiled its new Advertising & Marketing Technology Competency. They’re clearly desperate to win over my marketing team so they can bombard them with buzzwords like "immersive customer experiences" and "data-driven strategies."

AWS Amplify Hosting extends server-side rendering (SSR) support to additional frameworks – In what I can only imagine took someone at least 5 minutes and 2 cups of coffee, AWS Amplify Hosting is now supporting additional frameworks for server-side rendering. Wonderful, now I can run my poorly written code slightly faster, across more platforms, while incurring more AWS charges. Bravery is indeed finding new methods of self-sabotage.

AWS Amplify launches next generation of backend building capabilities – Ah, AWS Amplify has announced ‘next-gen backend capabilities’, because why just have your backend mocked when you can have it next-gen mocked. Devoid of buzzwords, the newest jargon on repeat this week is AWS saying ‘"Trust us, now it’s going to work just fine, alright?"’.

AWS CloudFormation simplifies resource import with a new parameter for ChangeSets – Well done, AWS for finally inventing the "undo" button some years into the 21st century. With AWS CloudFormation now allowing for parameter change imports back and forth, it’s almost like they’ve discovered developers might make, oh I don’t know, MISTAKES. Too bad, it only took them until the end of 2023 to figure it out.

AWS CodePipeline supports starting a pipeline execution with source revision overrides – In a world where words like "simple" and "easy" are foreign, AWS CodePipeline now allows for source revision overrides, because clearly, we don’t have enough AWS services with ‘pipeline’ and ‘override’ in the name. So buckle up folks, complexities just had babies at AWS!

AWS DMS now supports Amazon Timestream as a target – Behold, AWS DMS for Amazon Timestream, which most of you probably thought already existed. AWS must have gotten tired of their customers enjoying a stable and predictable interaction with DMS so they decided to spice things up by adding Amazon Timestream support. Because who wouldn’t want their database migration service to oddly resemble a Christopher Nolan film plot?

AWS Entity Resolution is now Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA) eligible – AWS Entity Resolution, the service you’ve been scraping by without, now claims HIPPA eligibility. Yes, folks, the same service that’s been trying to find its identity in the sea of AWS services can now help you with your health data. Not sure if we should be celebrating the eligibility or the fact that AWS Entity Resolution is still alive and kicking.

AWS Fargate now supports AWS Graviton2 Processors in all AWS Regions – It’s as if AWS Fargate just discovered that Graviton2 processors exist, because they’re now offering its favor in more regions. Buckle up folks and get ready to play the AWS equivalent of Where’s Waldo? Now with more ARM-oriented, cost-effective hide and seek!

AWS Glue for Apache Spark announces native connectivity for Amazon OpenSearch Service – In a move that reminds us all of the unmatched creativity of AWS naming practices, they have introduced Glue’s new native connectivity with OpenSearch. Because evidently, in the twisted cosmos of clouds, the memorable experience of having your data stuck in silos wasn’t enough, now we’re literally using ‘glue’ to plaster our data together in fresh new ways!

AWS Glue Data Catalog now supports generating column-level statistics – In a turn of events that shocks no one, AWS Glue has a new feature that auto-generates column-level statistics. Now, if your big data tables are getting out of hand, stop fretting! AWS Glue has your back like a chiropractor on speed dial. So, go ahead, analyze away!

AWS Glue announces entity-level actions to manage sensitive data – In a move that’s left confused folks Googling "how to stick things together with the internet", AWS introduces Glue Entity-Level Actions for Sensitive Data. Because when I think of securing my ultra-sensitive data, I think of letting a service called ‘Glue’ handle it.

AWS Glue launches native connectivity to 6 databases – In a ground-breaking move said no one ever, AWS Glue has finally caught up with its homework assignments and managed to interface with six whole new databases. Let’s throw a party for AWS Glue, the notorious laggard in the AWS line-up, making strides that will probably just confuse customers with more options they didn’t ask for.

Announcing AWS Glue serverless Spark UI and observability metrics – It looks like AWS Glue has been at the arts and crafts table again, giving us ‘Serverless Spark UI Observability Metrics’. It’s like AWS thought, "Hey! You know what our users without enough challenges need? Another near-unpronounceable service to decrypt!" At this rate, AWS might want to consider handing out ‘Software and Service Decoder Rings’ at the next re:Invent.

AWS IAM Identity Center provides new account instance for faster evaluation and adoption of AWS managed applications – AWS introduces ‘IAM Identity Center for Account Instance Evaluation and Adoption of Managed Applications’, a guaranteed tongue-twister and likely the product of a late-night session of buzzword bingo. Can’t wait to see the acronym they shoehorn into this one! Maybe they could slip in another ‘managed’ or an ‘integration’ in there just for good measure.

AWS IAM Identity Center now provides new APIs to automate access to applications – AWS has unveiled IAM Identity Center APIs, or as I like to call it, the "I Still Can’t Remember Which Users Have Access To What Resource Suite". Now you get to automate the mess, allowing all your access problems to sprout faster than weeds in a poorly maintained garden.

Announcing AWS IAM Identity Center APIs for visibility into workforce access to AWS – In another attempt to make IAM slightly less tormented of a service, AWS unveils the IAM Identity Center APIs for workforce access. Because what we really needed was the ability to automate our path to the "insufficient permissions" error message. Thank you, AWS, for helping us nerf our access policies without even logging in!

AWS IoT SiteWise supports ingestion of buffered and batched measurement data – In their ongoing quest to see just how long they can make their service names, AWS introduces IoT SiteWise Buffered Batched Measurement Data. Because no terms like "leverage", "scalability" or "robust" seem to exist in AWS’ dictionary when it comes to conveying utility, we’re left with this mouthful that sounds more like a bad game of tech bingo.

AWS IoT SiteWise now supports multi-variate anomaly detection with Amazon Lookout for Equipment – "AWS seems to be propping up the walls of its sprawling IoT empire with the multi-variate anomaly detection for SiteWise. For those able to decode this message, it seems we’re now able to predict when that smart fridge of yours might start preparing breakfast itself, with the added support of Amazon Lookout for Equipment. Buzzword bingo, anyone?"

AWS IoT SiteWise announces Query API for metadata, and telemetry data retrieval – Oh great, yet another acronym soup from AWS! This time they’re boasting about the IoT SiteWise Query API for metadata and telemetry retrieval. In simpler terms, this is their fancy way of saying, "Hey, we made it easier to see how much data your devices vomit into the cloud." Classic AWS, always obsessed with helping machines tattle on each other.

AWS IoT SiteWise announces a new storage tier for industrial data – Once again, AWS is reinventing the wheel with their IoT Sitewise Storage Tier for Industrial Data, because God forbid we utilize existing technologies. Now with the added wonder of feeling like you’re hoarding industrial data. Prepare your wallets, dataepack rats, your AWS bill just found a new line item.

AWS IoT SiteWise now support bulk import, export and update of metadata – At this point, I’m convinced AWS IoT SiteWise product descriptions are generated by a bored intern who turned Lorem Ipsum into tech terms. The newly announced bulk import/export update metadata feature proves they remain relentless in their effort to innovate in the bracket of obscurity. What a time to be alive!

AWS IoT SiteWise now supports Asset model components – Is this the real life or is this just fantasy? AWS IoT SiteWise now supports asset model components. Because, you know, the one thing holding back deployment of IoT was obviously lack of support for abstract, re-usable components. Yep, it was that, not the indifferent security practices or the mounting cost. No siree.

AWS IoT SiteWise now supports user-defined unique identifiers – Surprise, surprise! AWS IoT SiteWise now has user-defined unique identifiers. Because clearly, the biggest problem facing Internet of Things devices was their identity crisis. Sit back and watch as AWS continues to find increasingly obscure problems to solve!

AWS IoT TwinMaker launches new features to improve the digital twin entity modeling experience – AWS has once again blessed us with another ‘improvement’ we didn’t realize we needed. The AWS IoT TwinMaker’s latest update, supposed to enhance your digital twin entity modeling experience. Because, you know, we were all just sitting around, thinking “Gee, I wish my life had more convoluted, abstract IoT concepts than before!”

AWS Lake Formation data filters now support permissions on nested data – Once again, AWS has taken what feels like a college coding problem and made it a service. With Lake Formation Data Filters for permissions on nested data, we’ve now reached a level of complexity akin to playing 4D chess in the Matrix. If your data lake’s permission settings weren’t impenetrable enough, now you can filter permissions on your nested data too. Because nothing says "fun" like drowning in user permissions within permissions.

Enforce fine-grained access control via AWS Lake Formation with Open Table Formats on Amazon EMR – AWS Lake Formation now allows fine-grained control with EMR Formats, because we all know how desperately everyone has been longing for yet extra buttons to accidentally misconfigure and unintentionally give their entire read-write access to a DevOps intern on his first day.

AWS Lambda now supports IAM access control for multi-VPC enabled Amazon MSK clusters – Great news folks, AWS Lambda now does party tricks with not one but multiple VPCs for Amazon MSK clusters, because apparently overly-complicated, inception-like configurations are all the rage. It’s like Amazon’s engineers were left unsupervised with a bunch of Red Bull and a challenge to make things more ‘adventurous’. But don’t worry, IAM is there for any collateral access security damages; I’m sure that won’t be a beast to manage at all.

AWS Lambda adds support for Java 21 – In an earth-shattering reveal from AWS, they’ve announced that Lambda now supports Java 21 – presumably because nothing gets developers’ hearts racing like incremental version upgrades. Make sure you stifle your excitement, folks. I wouldn’t want anyone to rupture something.

New payment options for the AWS Marketplace flexible payment scheduler – In a continued effort to snatch at new opportunities to plate up your cash in the most interesting ways, AWS unleashes the ‘Marketplace Scheduler Payment Options’, allowing you to drown in more complex scheduling alternatives. Splendid! Because the only thing we all needed more of, wasn’t peace, love or even bandwidth, but ways to juggle our payments for AWS services on a calendar.

AWS Outposts rack supports service link interface throughput metrics – "Just when you thought AWS couldn’t squeeze any more buzzwords or services into Outposts, they lob us Rack Service Link Interface Throughput Metrics! Because, obviously, the number one complaint about Outposts had to be ‘not enough obscure, under-documented metrics’. Thank you, AWS, we can sleep comfortably at night."

AWS Security and MSSP Specializations now included in AWS Marketplace Vendor Insights – To paraphrase the announcement with a trademark bit of Quinn humor: "Just what we’ve all been begging for – more acronyms from AWS! They added MSSP specializations to the Marketplace Vendor Insights, which essentially means we get the joy of deciphering another layer of AWS jargon while we think about security. Keep ’em coming, AWS!"

AWS Supply Chain Demand Planning provides up to 3x faster forecasting and 75% lower UI latency – Ah, it’s always a joy to wake up to another classic AWS announcement, this time they’re boasting about speeding up Supply Chain Demand Planning’s forecasting and lowering the user interface latency. Geez, next they’ll be telling us it can make a cup of tea and tuck us in at night too. Why focus on an intuitive UI when you can just focus on lowering its latency, am I right?

AWS Supply Chain releases Work Order Insights – Brace yourselves! AWS Supply Chain has unleashed what we’ve all been waiting for – ‘Work Order Insights’. Now you can get a full analysis of your retail operations, right down to how many coffee breaks your employees take! It’s less "cloud computing" and more "Big Brother is watching your coffee machine."

AWS Systems Manager Automation now offers support for loops, type transformations, and more – And in today’s episode of AWS paint-drying updates, we have Systems Manager sprouting a new feature named "automation loops type transformations." What does it do, you ask? Probably reinvents the "do-while" loop but in a much more complicated, AWS-y fashion of course. Enjoy the needless complexity, folks!

AWS Systems Manager Incident Manager now identifies probable root causes of incidents – In another attempt to explain why your entire infrastructure collapsed overnight, AWS has rolled out Systems Manager Incident Manager, promising to identify ‘probable root causes’. Because, why call Bob from IT when you can trust a tool with the predictive capacity of a suspiciously expensive Magic 8-Ball.

AWS Transfer Family announces an alternate port for SFTP servers – Great news for all the insomniacs out there; AWS has come up with a surefire way to put you to sleep faster than counting sheep. Dive into the thrilling world of alternate port numbers for their SFTP servers. Get ready to experience real excitement with their new Transfer Family feature. Truly, we’re living in the golden age of technology.

AWS Transfer Family expands logical directories limit – In what feels like yet another episode of "AWS Increases Arbitrary Limit," they have now graced us by enhancing the logical directories limit for the AWS Transfer Family. A cap raise from 50 to 500 — because when you’re drowning in directories, what you really need is ten times the lifelines!

AWS Trusted Advisor announces new APIs – So, AWS has decided to give Trusted Advisor some API candy, making it somewhat less of a hassle to interact with. Everyone eager to automate their cost saving recommendations can now sulk less. File this under "features we should have had already", shall we?

Customer Profiles Flow block simplifies authentication and retrieval of customer profile information. – "Who doesn’t love a good customer data puzzle? Amazon presents ‘Customer Profiles Flow Authentication’, the who’s who game of the customer world, where the only thing more complex than remembering what it’s actually for, is setting up the service itself. And if you thought AWS services’ naming conventions couldn’t get more convoluted, hold their beer!"

EC2 Image Builder now supports image lifecycle management and deletion – In another impressive advancement in Amazon’s relentless quest to make us feel unproductive, AWS has supercharged the EC2 Image Builder Lifecycle with a deletion function. Yes, folks, you heard it right. They’re encouraging us to clean up our own mess in the cloud. It’s like they’re trying to reinvent the "delete" key one service at a time.

EC2 Security group connection tracking adds support for configurable idle timeouts – And here I thought my social life had more idle timeouts than an AWS database, but Amazon’s new "EC2 Security Connection Tracking for Idle Timeouts" feature might just have me beat. Oh joy, another feature to add to my long list of things to accidentally misconfigure.

Enhancements to AWS Partner Analytics Dashboard – "Bravo AWS! Sprucing up the Partner Analytics Dashboard is finally going to help me understand why my monthly AWS bill looks like the GDP of a small country. Oh wait, it’s just beautified confusion. Carry on!"

Logs support now available in AWS Distro for OpenTelemetry – In a breathtaking deviation from their standard modus operandi, AWS has graciously decided to bestow support for AWS Distro for OpenTelemetry in CloudWatch Logs. Now you can pay twice – once for OpenTelemetry, and then to AWS to decipher what it all means without popping a blood vessel.

Monitor SAP Sybase ASE database with Amazon CloudWatch Application Insights – In another thrilling twist of events, AWS introduces SAP ASE database monitoring in CloudWatch because clearly, porting an already confusing database into an indecipherable monitoring tool was next on their checklist. Now you can not only wrestle with the intricacies of your SAP database, but marinate in the insidious complexities of CloudWatch, too. Extra points for complexity, AWS.

Mountpoint for Amazon S3 optimizes for repeated data access – Imagine you’re at a buffet—Amazon S3 is now your over-zealous plate loader optimizing repeated trips for more pickles. Because, hey, in AWS land, "less time digging through buckets" is clearly a code phrase for "more time to discover hidden service charges."

Programmatically create and manage SMS phone numbers with Amazon Pinpoint – Well, hot dang! It’s no longer like pulling your own teeth out when mass-ordering burner phones for your super secret spy ring. No siree, now with Amazon Pinpoint, AWS decided it’s high time you get to programmatically manage and create SMS phone numbers. Because who doesn’t love a good, heartwarming, Tales-from-the-Crypt-keeper level of automation?

QuickSight launches Custom Time Zone – In what could strike one as an attempt to unwind the space-time continuum, AWS QuickSight now graciously allows you to set a custom time zone. Because nothing screams ‘innovation’ like letting us decide what time it is in our own data. Sure, hope nobody was banking on taking that trip around the world – time is what YOU make it in AWS land now.

QuickSight launches Custom Week Start – In a stunning revelation, the AWS QuickSight team announced its newfound capability to customize the start day of your week. Yes, now rather than wondering which random day AWS thinks your week starts, you can select it yourself! A whole new world of possibilities now open for your data analysis… that is if you were among the throngs of people holding off because Monday wasn’t good enough for AWS.

RDS Custom for SQL Server supports SQL Server Developer Edition – In a move bound to please absolutely no one but the masochistic, AWS has unveiled RDS Custom for SQL Server Developer Edition. Yes, now you too can experience the sheer thrill of debugging your beloved archaic SQL Server workloads in the cloud. Thrills, chills, and spiraling costs await you!

Automatically Resize Amazon EBS Capacity with Zesty Disk for Cost Efficiency and Consistent Performance – In a classic AWS move, they’ve rolled out Zesty Disk, ideal for those moments when you’re having a peaceful day and think, what I really need right now is for my EBS capacity to automatically resize itself. Let’s not forget the real clincher: the promise of cost-efficiency. Still waiting on the translation from ‘AWS cost-efficiency’ to regular English though.

Capgemini’s Lifecycle Optimization for Aerospace: Extending Component Lifespan Using AWS – In a move that has every air traffic controller grabbing their stress ball, Capgemini has decided to use AWS to extend the life of crucial aerospace components. Because nothing instills confidence in airline safety like servers sharing resources with a cat-enthusiast’s blog. Buckle up, it’s going to be a bumpy ride!

Game On! Getting the Most Out of Slalom’s Sports Fan Engagement Data Platform Accelerator – Oh wonderful, AWS and Slalom are excited about their new sports fan engagement data platform. Because what every sports fan yelling at their TV has been clamoring for is definitely more engagement via a data platform. Nothing says ‘touchdown!’ like some good old fashioned data acceleration.

How CubeAngle Built a Serverless File Ingestion and Processing Framework Powered by AWS – In the constant quest to slap the "serverless" label on everything, now we have CubeAngle building a "serverless" file ingestion and processing framework powered by AWS. Because why would you want to manage mundane things like "servers" when you can instead master the arcane dark arts of Lambdas, Step Functions, and Kinesis Streams?

How to Streamline API Development on Amazon API Gateway Using SmartBear’s SwaggerHub – AWS just teamed up with SmartBear SwaggerHub to streamline API development on Amazon API Gateway. Because who wouldn’t want to add a bear – smart or otherwise – into their development process? In typical AWS fashion, it’s an integration so niche it makes a Venn diagram look like a perfect circle.

The Future of Search: Exploring Generative AI Chat-Based Solutions with AWS and Slalom – AWS and Slalom at it again with ‘The Future of Search’ — offering up fancy chatbot technology that promises "next-level customer engagement." It’s like they’re making sure you never have to face the terror of interacting with another human being to get your answers. The apocalypse looks different for everyone, folks.

Converting stateful application to stateless using AWS services – So, AWS released a blog about converting stateful applications to stateless. Great, another way for AWS to help you fetch an aspirin before they hit you with a headache. Looking forward to playing Jenga with a monolith, except every block you pull out gets replaced by a shiny new (and more expensive) AWS service.

How Sonar built a unified API on AWS – "So Sonar built an entire unified API on AWS, presumably because their alternative was drowning in a sea of disparate, unmanageable services. Oh, look, the solution… more AWS. Is there anything AWS can’t solve or won’t take a cut from?"

AWS Weekly Roundup – EC2 DL2q instances, PartyRock, Amplify’s 6th birthday, and more – November 20, 2023 – AWS is gleefully shoving yet another alphabet soup instance in our faces – the EC2 DL2Q. As if we needed one more instance type to complicate our cloud lives. Also, they’re leading the party train on Amplify’s 6th birthday. Because nothing says ‘happy birthday’ like a blog announcement read by 10 people.

Introducing Amazon CloudFront KeyValueStore: A low-latency datastore for CloudFront Functions – Aws has a gleaming announcement about the new Amazon CloudFront Key-Value Store. Because clearly, what the world needs right now amid supply chain issues is yet another "low-latency datastore". With this, the industry can finally rest, our prayers for another place to jam our key value pairs have been seen and heard. It’s like AWS is a never-ending parade of Christmas gifts, each one slightly less necessary than the last.

Automate SAP Deployments with AWS Launch Wizard for SAP APIs – In this digital world where we all yearn for some wizardry, AWS has heard our pleas and released the AWS Launch Wizard for SAP APIs. Because sometimes, manually deploying your SAP systems seems too 20th century; so why not let a ‘wizard’ do the work for you? After all, nothing says ‘future’ like leaving giant enterprise software implementation to something that sounds like it belongs at Hogwarts.

Building a real-time recommendation engine with Amazon MSK and Rockset – And in today’s chapter of "AWS Invents Words No One Ever Uses," we now have a guide to building a "real-time recommendation engine" with Amazon Managed Streaming for Apache Kafka (MSK) & Rockset. Because nothing says "real-time" quite like Amazon MSK and Rockset – the power duo you’ve always dreamt of but never knew existed.

Effective cloud remediation for Security Hub findings with Tamnoon.io – Quick, someone grab the defibrillator – AWS Security Hub has found a heartbeat in the hulking beast that is cloud remediation! In more ‘news’, they’re now teaming up with Tamnoon.io, because if there’s anything AWS thinks we need, it’s more third-party solutions to the already headache-inducing complexity they shovel at us.

New 2023: Best practices guide to successfully list your SaaS contract solution in AWS Marketplace – In their infinite ability to reinvent the wheel, AWS announces a new ‘2023 best practices guide for listing SaaS solutions’ on their marketplace. Grasp the opportunity to wade through corporate jargon and overly complex architectures, tailoring your whole business model to appease Amazon’s marketplace AI. Happy navigating!

Spacelift utilizes AWS Marketplace Vendor Insights to facilitate customer transactions – Well, shucks! Spacelift has decided to enlist AWS Marketplace Vendor Insights to help scrutinize customer transactions. In other news, using a crane to lift a spaceship is still easier than trying to decipher your AWS bill.

Transform enterprise search and knowledge discovery with Glean and Amazon Bedrock – In another episode of ‘we’ve made something you didn’t realize you wanted’, AWS has birthed Amazon Bedrock. Because every enterprise needs another overly complicated way to search for and ‘discover knowledge’… if only we had some mystical machine to do that, like a search engine!

Build scalable and serverless RAG workflows with a vector engine for Amazon OpenSearch Serverless and Amazon Bedrock Claude models – Oh great, yet another "revolutionary" way to build scalable and serverless workflows, this time courtesy of the vector engine for Amazon OpenSearch Serverless and Amazon Bedrock-Claude models. And here I was worried I’d struggle to get my Recommended Aggressive Geese workflows off the ground. I can’t wait to dig into that AWS blog post – it sounds like an absolute page-turner.

Enhance monitoring and debugging for AWS Glue jobs using new job observability metrics – In a genuine display of charity, AWS is gracing us with "enhanced" monitoring and debugging for Glue jobs. Now we can see our Glue jobs trip, stumble, and faceplant in glorious high definition. Finally, an invitation to the front row of the disaster that is your data integration pipeline!

Enhance query performance using AWS Glue Data Catalog column-level statistics – AWS is excitedly touting a way to "enhance query performance using AWS Glue Data Catalog column-level statistics". Now, if they’d also unveil a way to decipher that mouthful with ease, we’d all be winners. Probably.

Implement data warehousing solution using dbt on Amazon Redshift – Get ready to slap your knees in hysterics because AWS wrote a blog to tell us we can use dbt on Redshift. Who would have thought, right? That’s kind of like writing an article on how to use spoons with soup. Groundbreaking stuff, Amazon, truly.

Introducing Apache Hudi support with AWS Glue crawlers – Ah yes, AWS Glue Crawlers are now able to support Apache Hudi, because you can never have enough layers of undecipherable open-source project names intertwined with AWS services that sound like they were named by a toddler’s keyboard smash. Just when you thought your big data couldn’t get any more fun!

Introducing AWS Glue serverless Spark UI for better monitoring and troubleshooting – In the latest episode of "Reinvent the Wheel," AWS presents Glue Studio, a serverless Spark UI for so-called ‘better’ monitoring and troubleshooting. Because who needs to worry about exciting new developments when we can just give a fresh coat of UI paint to the same old concepts? Now, wrangle that data before it stickily glues you in place.

Introducing persistent buffering for Amazon OpenSearch Ingestion – In the latest episode of "Let’s Reinvent Simplicity", AWS has given us persistent buffing for Amazon OpenSearch ingestion. Now I can finally sleep at night knowing that even if my data ingestion job tanks, AWS will keep my data warm and cosy in its ever-expanding and ridiculously-named suite of products. It’s nice knowing my data has a buffer better than my life ambitions.

Speed up queries with the cost-based optimizer in Amazon Athena – Ah, Amazon Athena’s love child with Scrooge McDuck has made its grand entrance: the Cost-Based Optimizer. Now you can speed up your queries while AWS subtly speeds up the draining of your bank account. Isn’t modern tech adorable?

Use custom domain names with Amazon Redshift – In an apparent attempt to make the cloud feel more like home, AWS now lets you use custom domain names with Amazon Redshift. Because we all know nothing says "comfort" like confusing the living daylights out of your on-prem team with a mix of homey URLs in a cloud based database warehouse.

Visualize Amazon DynamoDB insights in Amazon QuickSight using the Amazon Athena DynamoDB connector and AWS Glue – In the latest episode of the AWS ‘Let’s glue all the things together’ saga, you can now visualize DynamoDB insights in Quicksight thanks to the Athena-DynamoDB connector… and Glue. I guess someone at AWS finally realized people might actually want to see their data, instead of just storing it in a database and hoping for the best.

Automate your Amazon QuickSight assets deployment using the new Amazon EventBridge integration – In an attempt to make you believe that they actually care about your time and workflow, AWS has graced us with an update that lets you automate Amazon QuickSight asset deployment using Amazon EventBridge. For the uninitiated, let me translate: AWS has solved a problem you never knew existed, with a service you probably forgot you were paying for.

Build custom and interactive dashboards using new runtime capabilities in QuickSight Embedding SDK – Oh great, now AWS QuickSight Embedding SDK has ‘new’ runtime capabilities for building custom interactive dashboards. So, you mean to tell us they baked a bunch of stuff, slapped a fancy new tag on it and served it as an ‘enhancement’? What a time to be alive!

CubeServ elevates HR analytics and workforce planning for customers using Amazon QuickSight – In today’s enamoring episode of "AWS does everything, but better", we see CubeServ tip-toeing into the magnificent world of HR analytics through Amazon QuickSight. Because when I consider the fun-filled pastime of handling HR data, my first thought is, naturally, "boy, I bet Amazon would really spice this up!"

Unlock the power of unified business intelligence with Google Cloud BigQuery and Amazon QuickSight – So Google BigQuery and Amazon QuickSight are pals now, forming an unlikely duo like Batman and the Joker. Who’d have thought cloud rivals can come together for something other than pricing wars? I guess we can all now bask in ‘unified business intelligence’, or as I like to call it – additional layers of complexity.

Introducing support for read-only management events in Amazon EventBridge – I know we’ve all been up at night, biting our nails in anticipation of this one – support for read-only management events in Amazon EventBridge. Finally, a way to create a truly narc level of oversight on our every move in AWS. Now we can relive the greatest hits like ‘Joe deleted the production database again’ in technicolor event detail.

The attendee’s guide to the AWS re:Invent 2023 Compute track – AWS just drop-kicked the 2023 re:Invent Compute Track attendees guide onto the field. Because nothing screams ‘exciting’ like wading through the labyrinth of AWS services, veiled in the obscurity of cloud tech jargon. Let’s hold hands and stumble through the thicket of EC2, Lambda, and other canon fodder for your cloud nightmares.

Build Generative AI apps on Amazon ECS for SageMaker JumpStart – AWS has decided we need to put our generative AI apps on Amazon ECS for SageMaker Jumpstart for reasons unknown. Perhaps it’s a scheme to confuse us into another spending frenzy, or echolalia from using too many AI-based tool names. Stay tuned.

Cognitive Systems Corp.’s Amazon EKS journey: Wi-Fi Sensing technology – In today’s thrilling episode of "Unusual AWS Use Cases," we have Cognitive Systems Corp repurposing Amazon EKS to mess around with Wi-Fi patterns. Because why not turn your basic home Wi-Fi into a fancy, somewhat dystopian, room-level people-tracking system? Truly, we’ve hit peak AWS.

Enhanced VPC flexibility: modify subnets and security groups in Amazon EKS – In their spare moments between tirelessly renaming services to increasingly vague monikers, AWS blessed us with the ability to modify subnets and security groups in Amazon EKS. Crawford socks are now officially knocked off. Folks, this is even bigger than when they adjusted the kerning on the EC2 dashboard.

Configure reverse replication using AWS DMS to migrate an Oracle database to Amazon RDS for Oracle – "AWS is now teaching us how to migrate an Oracle database to Amazon RDS. With a catchy name like ‘Configure Reverse Replication’, maybe they’re trying to confuse us into thinking its innovative. Or perhaps it’s a cryptic way of saying ‘moving data backwards’, because who wouldn’t want to mirror AWS’s own convoluted billing system?"

Create a SQL Server Developer Edition instance using BYOM on Amazon RDS Custom for SQL Server – Ah yes, AWS, the king of acronyms, just added a new one to the pile with BYOM for RDS Custom. So now, instead of having a simple, understandable "Developer Edition" of SQL Server, we get to wrestle with a "Bring Your Own Media" spectacle. Be sure to add this to the growing AWS vocabulary shorthand, right after "AMI" and before "COBRA."

Create an AWS Glue Data Catalog with AWS DMS – In an unsurprising turn of events, AWS has released yet another service to glue everything together. This time, you can create an AWS Glue Data Catalog using, wait for it, AWS Database Migration Service (DMS). So now you can enjoy the battle of trying to untangle the web of dependencies while also migrating your databases. Fun times ahead, folks!

Introducing Group Replication plugin for active/active replication on Amazon RDS for MySQL – Leave it to AWS to herald the arrival of ‘Group Replication Plugin for Amazon RDS for MySQL,’ a name that rolls off the tongue as effortlessly as trying to remember your 37-character password. But, don’t fret, it’s here to solve all your active-active replication needs which, I’m sure, were keeping you up nights.

Secure GxP compliance by automating the Amazon RDS security audit log export process – I see AWS is once again trying to make something that should be simple into something that requires an entire blog post with instructions. Now, you can ensure GxP compliance for your Amazon RDS by automating security audit log exports, because manually doing it was somehow still a thing. Buckle up for more instructions on how to make their system do what it should have been doing in the first place.

Set up Database Resource Manager in Amazon RDS for Oracle – AWS is once again attempting to apply bandaids to the gaping wound that is Oracle by introducing a Database Resource Manager to RDS. What’s next? Teaching us how to drive an antique car instead of buying a Tesla? Strap in folks, the Oracle rollercoaster of complexity is taking another thrilling dive.

Use Oracle Forms and Reports on Amazon RDS Custom for Oracle – Because we all needed another reason to join the headache of managing databases, AWS generously offers you the chance to run Oracle Forms and Reports on Amazon RDS. It’s like AWS said "Oh, you thought managing Oracle was already a pain? Hold my beer!"

Convert desktop apps to SaaS without refactoring using Amazon AppStream 2.0 – Oh, so Amazon AppStream 2.0 now allows usage reports to be sent to an S3 bucket. How magnanimous of them! Finally, after probably 14 meetings and 27 Jira tickets, they’ve given us the ‘cutting-edge’ technology of putting one thing into another thing. Now if only they’d allow my sanity to be restored in a similar way…

Disrupting your thinking on end-user computing – In a staggering display of audacity, AWS thinks it can ‘disrupt your thought’ on end-user computing. Like we’re short on disruptions already. It’s adorable that they assume we’ve had coherent thoughts on it to begin with.

Improve security and efficiency managing developer desktops with Amazon WorkSpaces – At last, AWS has unveiled an exciting "new" approach to managing developer desktops with Amazon Workspaces. But let’s be real here, it’s the same old, just with a bit more security and efficiency sparkle slapped on top. You thought you were finally free of the drudgery of desktop management didn’t you? Well, think again!

Migrating to Microsoft 365 Apps for enterprise at scale on Amazon WorkSpaces – In a cross between time travel and corporate espionage, Amazon is paving the way to support…Microsoft 365 Apps?! That’s right folks, they’re turning Amazon Workspaces into a launchpad for Microsoft’s suite like a reluctant parent dropping their kids at the popular bully’s birthday party. Must be executive-level commitment to promoting ‘customer choice’, Amazon style.

Understand user access patterns and optimize Amazon WorkSpaces with Amazon CloudWatch – In an awe-inspiring bid to make their CloudWatch service something more than a glorified, costly wall clock, Amazon is now integrating it with Amazon WorkSpaces, their desktop-as-a-service product that everyone forgets exists until it pops up in a blog post. Finally, a solution for developers desperate to analyze user access patterns on the one platform where doing anything productive felt about as seamless as mud wrestling.

Introducing Amazon CodeWhisperer for command line – In a world where we barely understand regular whispering, we now have Amazon’s new service, CodeWhisperer, for the command line. Because apparently AWS has some leftover influence from playing too many RPG games where codewords whisper in the wind! Now if you just let me command line whisper to my coffee machine, we’re talking real progress.

Using Amazon CodeCatalyst with Amazon Virtual Private Cloud – It’s like AWS just keeps trying to find new and innovative ways to confuse us all. Now they’ve decided to let Amazon CodeCatalyst mingle with Amazon VPCs. Because, you know, what this world really needed was more tooling for you to accidentally misconfigure and subsequently leak your important data. Blissful complexity, thy name is AWS!

Your DevOps and Developer Productivity guide to re:Invent 2023 – This just in: you can now download a hundred-page tome about how to improve your DevOps and Developer Productivity at re:Invent 2023. Just what one needs – another bloated guide from AWS, when we could barely find the motivation to read the re:Invent session abstracts! Happy Reading!

AWS Modernization Tools now support .NET 8 – In a late-breaking act of unexpected innovation, AWS is now supporting .NET 8 in its modernization tools. Because nothing says "modernization" quite like aggressively supporting a platform that Microsoft has been gently trying to back away from, for what feels like most of living memory. Next up, enhancing Java 6 support across the board, maybe?

How Milestone turbocharged the ‘Hot Wheels Unleashed’ franchise with Amazon GameLift – "Oh, great! Another case of ‘turbocharging games with AWS GameLift’, this time for the Hot Wheels Unleashed franchise. Because, let’s be real, the childhood pleasure of racing tiny toy cars around a loopy track just wasn’t enough – we needed to drag the cloud into it and make it as complicated as possible now, didn’t we?"

Accelerate connected vehicle deployment with the Connected Mobility Solution on AWS – AWS is now apparently the grease monkey in the machine with their new ‘Connected Mobility Solution.’ Great, because what the world needs is to worry about "Check Engine" lights in the cloud now. Buckle up and get your credit cards ready, folks, AWS is taking us for a ride.

Advertising Week New York 2023’s key generative AI takeaways – AWS has crunched out yet another blog post, this time trying to hypnotize us with the buzzwords du jour of "generative AI." I guess after delving into 2023 Advertising Week takeaways, they thought we’d all love to hear about how their Artificial Intelligence can spit out original content. I can’t wait to see if it can write a more interesting "What did I miss at AWS this week" newsletter.

AWS Clean Rooms: Privacy-enhanced collaboration use cases – "Everyone put on your cleanest bunny suits—AWS is taking us into their new "Clean Room!" It’s a magical place where data privacy concerns can be washed away with the power of ‘enhanced’ collaboration. Just remember, even if the environment is sterile, the big challenge of not rolling your eyes at AWS buzzwords still remains."

Enable Analytics and Insights for Telecom Networks – In a brave attempt to reinvent the wheel, AWS has decided to "revolutionize" telecom analytics with their cloud-based services. It’s spreading like a teenager’s understanding of quantum physics, but in case you were worried, it’s still a lot like stapling together a bunch of existing services and slapping on an exciting new name.

Genentech sustainably generates a large dataset on AWS to advance machine learning-based research on a potential new drug modality – In another brilliant demonstration of their ability to convert any customer success into a marketing buzzword bingo, AWS announces Genentech’s use of its cloud for machine learning-based drug research. Because clearly, the cure to all diseases isn’t advanced biotechnology or human ingenuity; but rather, paying your monthly bill to AWS.

How payment companies are building SoftPOS solutions on AWS – In yet another article where AWS slips into self-promotion like a drunk uncle at a wedding, they’re claiming payment platforms built on their cloud gives you magic softPOS solutions. Next, they’ll be telling us you’ll turn into unicorns and start poopin’ rainbows with a dab of serverless.

Ultralow latency seismic interpretation on AWS Local Zones – In a bid to make earthquake predictions more like prime time TV, AWS brings you "ultra-low latency seismic interpretation with local zones". Now all you geo-nerds can get your seismic data faster than you can say "tectonic plate" – and on the cloud, too. Because nothing screams "urgent" like a geological event that’s already happened by the time you get the data.

Streamlining agriculture operations with serverless anomaly detection using AWS IoT – In yet another attempt to invigorate the sleep-deprived serverless fans, AWS presents anomaly detection for IoT. Because nothing quite says "innovation" like slapping a function to flag the anomalies on automated toaster messages. Turn those bleary eyes towards IoT now, it’s serverless… until it’s not.

Amazon EC2 DL2q instance for cost-efficient, high-performance AI inference is now generally available – In a shocking twist of events that has absolutely no one surprised, AWS’s new kid on the block – EC2 DL2q instance – is now generally available. Promising cost-efficient high-performance AI inference, didn’t we hear something similar last week? Don’t worry about keeping track, AWS will roll out a new EC2 instance next week and the charade will continue.

Amazon Textract’s new Layout feature introduces efficiencies in general purpose and generative AI document processing tasks – Amazon Textracts newest ‘Layout’ feature makes handling document processing tasks as smooth as a buttered walrus on a water slide. Watch out world, AWS is here to save us all from the existential dread of… document processing. Because yes, that was clearly at the top of everyone’s worry list.

Build a contextual chatbot for financial services using Amazon SageMaker JumpStart, Llama 2 and Amazon OpenSearch Serverless with Vector Engine – In their latest attempt to convince us they’re the cool kids on cloud block, AWS announced a how-to guide for creating a financial services chatbot. This involves juggling Amazon Sagemaker’s obscurely named Llama 2, Opensearch Serverless (which isn’t actually functionally serverless) and wrapping it all up with the mysterious Vector Engine. All these just to avoid asking your bank teller about your savings account! AWS, a simpler route is allowed sometimes.

Build a foundation model (FM) powered customer service bot with agents for Amazon Bedrock – Latest from AWS: want to use our "Agents for Amazon Bedrock" to build a Foundation Model (FM) customer service bot? Expect it to perform about as well as a Roomba vacuum trying to clean your attic. Be prepared for a learning curve steeper than AWS’s pricing structure.

Build well-architected IDP solutions with a custom lens – Part 1: Operational excellence – Oh, great, just what we all needed: a new part-time job handed to us by AWS. Now we can spend our days building well-architected IDP solutions with a custom lens. Because let’s face it, ‘operational excellence’ is just mumbo-jumbo for ‘make it so we don’t have to clean up your mess’.

Build well-architected IDP solutions with a custom lens – Part 2: Security – In typical AWS fashion, here comes an over-engineered solution to reinvent the wheel – a custom lens for well-architected IDP. Because nothing screams ‘security’ more than letting the inmate design the cell they’re about to live in. Get ready to play Architect-this-mess, as you scramble to make sense of another nested Russian doll of obfuscation.

Build well-architected IDP solutions with a custom lens – Part 3: Reliability – "Amazon offers us the final installment in the riveting trilogy entitled ‘Building Well Architected IDP Solutions with a Custom Lens.’ After two parts that had us on the edges of our seats, we were anxious to find out who will win the battle between reliability and complexity. Spoiler alert though: With AWS, complexity always wins!"

Build well-architected IDP solutions with a custom lens – Part 4: Performance efficiency – Ah, yet again, AWS is offering us another installment in their riveting series with "Part 4: Performance Efficiency". Brace yourselves for a whirlwind literary tour of ‘well-architected IDP solutions’ that are as confusing as getting lost in a roundabout. Here’s to hoping they packed some breadcrumbs so we can find our way out.

Build well-architected IDP solutions with a custom lens – Part 5: Cost optimization – Once again confirming that you can’t spell "identity provider" without "IDP," AWS, continuing their unfettered quest to alphabetize the internet, perfects their ‘custom lens’ — because nothing says cost optimization like layering on another piece of proprietary technology. Let’s bring on the jargon lattes, it’s going to be a long read.

Build well-architected IDP solutions with a custom lens – Part 6: Sustainability – Good news! AWS has released part 6 of their guide on constructing well-architected IDP solutions using custom lenses, featuring the exciting topic of "sustainability." Because nothing screams ‘reading pleasure’ like gobbling up a half dozen articles to learn something they could’ve summed up in a tweet.

Geospatial generative AI with Amazon Bedrock and Amazon Location Service – AWS somehow found a way to wedge the words "geospatial", "generative AI", "Amazon Bedrock" and "Amazon Location Service" into a single, dizzying headline. Unfortunately, Jeff Bezos’ space jaunts didn’t give him enough perspective to realize mere mortals need a translator for this tech babble. The announcement is apparently about making pretty maps with AI, but clearly they felt "geospatial generative" had much sexier ring to it.

How Amazon Music uses SageMaker with NVIDIA to optimize ML training and inference performance and cost – Trust AWS to turn up the techno-babble to 11. Now they’re saying Amazon Music uses SageMaker and NVIDIA to "optimize machine learning training and inference performance and cost." Next, they’ll be telling us it can DJ your next office party and predict exactly how many times someone will shout "Play Freebird!"

How Amazon Search M5 saved 30% for LLM training cost by using AWS Trainium – In a bold new stride in marketing, AWS is now crediting a search gadget, Amazon m5, with a whopping 30% cost save for training. Really, though? A device managed to single-handedly cut costs by almost a third? You’ve got to wonder if someone’s getting a glorious pat on the shell for this miraculous maneuver.

KT’s journey to reduce training time for a vision transformers model using Amazon SageMaker – KT: "We cut down our vision model training time using SageMaker!" AWS: "Our magic tool does it again! Look how useful we are!" Everyone else: "You mean we can potentially pay AWS less for using their services? Huh, they really didn’t think this plug through."

Machine Learning with MATLAB and Amazon SageMaker – Amazon SageMaker and MATLAB are teaming up for an experiment in how to make Machine Learning even more inaccessible. Because what everyday users really need are two complex systems, each with a different set of esoteric jargon, joined together by the digital equivalent of duct tape and prayers.

Moderate your Amazon IVS live stream using Amazon Rekognition – So AWS thinks we need yet ANOTHER service to micro-manage our Amazon IVS live-streams, except now with the power of Amazon Rekognition. Because who doesn’t want to add the risk of accidental content blocking due to some sketchy AI’s misinterpretation of ‘inappropriate content’? Can’t wait for the live fail compilations!

Retrieval-Augmented Generation with LangChain, Amazon SageMaker JumpStart, and MongoDB Atlas semantic search – In an apparent effort to win at buzzword bingo, Amazon has decided to meld everything into one: Retrieval Augmented Generation with LangChain, SageMaker Jumpstart, and MongoDB Atlas Semantic Search. Because if machines know anything, it’s that when things are going just fine, we clearly need to add another layer of complexity!

Text embedding and sentence similarity retrieval at scale with Amazon SageMaker JumpStart – So, Amazon Sagemaker Jumpstart now does automatic text-embedding and large-scale sentence similarity retrieval just to warm my data scientist heart. Meanwhile, I’m still working on ‘walking and chewing gum at the same time’.

Use Amazon SageMaker Studio to build a RAG question answering solution with Llama 2, LangChain, and Pinecone for fast experimentation – Ah, AWS has added yet another four things I don’t understand to SageMaker Studio. Now you can use Llama 2, LangChain, Pinecone, and some rag thing to, I dunno, answer questions or something. Perfect for when you’ve tired of fast experimentation with traditional tools like a whiteboard, human conversation, or good old trial and error.

Your guide to generative AI and ML at AWS re:Invent 2023 – You’re in luck, folks! AWS re:Invent 2023 is swooping in with its ultimate guide to Generative AI or what I like to call, "Imagination on Steroids". So, brace yourselves as AWS attempts to re-decipher the coding hieroglyphics of AI for bewildered tech enthusiasts. Finally, a chance for us to understand how the machine hocus-pocus works…or so we can hope!

Drive personalized ad experiences with Harmonic VOS360 SaaS on AWS – Ah, AWS and Harmonic are back at it again, announcing their plan to disrupt your YouTube cat video binge with "personalized ad experiences". As if I need any more help finding artisanal kale chips — don’t they know I’m still recovering from last week’s pancake drone delivery fiasco?

Simplify your SMS setup with the new Amazon Pinpoint SMS console – In case you’ve been longing for the ability to spam people via text, Amazon Pinpoint SMS console has you covered! It’s a thoughtful addition to AWS’s grand scheme of "how-many-methods-can-we-invent-to-annoy-customers?" Clearly, there’s nothing more exciting than being woken up at 3 am by a promotional text.

6 New AWS Amplify Launches for Frontend Developers – Amazon is at it again, launching a whopping 6 new Amplify features targeted at making frontend development "easier." Because on top of worrying about the backend, you absolutely needed more fancy buttons to push and figure out on the frontend, courtesy of the never-sleeping AWS dev team. You’re welcome!

Introducing the Next Generation of AWS Amplify’s Fullstack Development Experience – Amazon proudly presents Amplify Gen2 – "The Godfather Part II"​ of unnecessary sequels. It’s like Amazon took the suggestions box, put it through the shredder, and used the shredded mess as a roadmap for their updates. Boy, we sure hope you wanted more complexity in your serverless app development!

Introducing Support for Hosting Any SSR app on AWS Amplify Hosting – Oh great, the folks over at AWS are "improving" Amplify Hosting by letting it host any Server Side Rendering (SSR) app. Because what every web developer was really missing in their lives was yet another convoluted way to add extra steps to a process that was already mind-numbing. Thanks but no thanks, AWS.

The frontend web and mobile app developer’s guide to AWS re:Invent 2023 – Oh look, AWS has launched the Frontend Developer’s Guide to AWS re:Invent 2023, because the previous re:Invents were just too simple to navigate. Now frontend developers can optimise their conference experience in the same way they optimise their Javascript code. Hope there’s a chapter on surviving long keynote speeches.

Accelerate Modernization outcomes with Automation – Hold on to your wallets folks, AWS is promising to "accelerate modernization" with automation. Good news is, they’re actually acknowledging the need to automate, people might just start believing in unicorns now. The bad news? "Accelerated modernization" is code for "get ready for a confusing billing statement."

Achieve domain consistency in event-driven architectures – Ah, yes. Because my ultimate dream has always been to achieve domain consistency in event-driven architectures, Netflix movie marathons just won’t cut it anymore! Yet another late-night reading gem from AWS who clearly want us to know they don’t just provide servers, they provide sleep aids too.

Disaster Recovery (DR) Failover to the Disconnected Edge – Amazon Web Services has released a brand new spell to avoid disaster recovery doom and gloom. Apparently, it’s not as simple as waving a magic wand, but involves some unique hoop-jumping like ‘DR Failover to a Disconnected Edge’. One might wish for an easier solution, but let’s be honest, would AWS be AWS without the thrill of architecting your way out of a paper bag?

How to drive the discussions around carbon footprint reduction to support modernization and migration to the Cloud? – Great, just what we needed. Another PhD thesis from AWS on how moving to the cloud is akin to planting a million trees. Somebody tell them the only green most companies care about adding is to their bottom line!

Improving Mergers & Acquisitions Due Diligence with AWS Audit Manager – Ah, AWS Audit Manager, the cloud world’s equivalent to a root canal, has now promised to simplify mergers and acquisitions. Because when seasoned finance vets and steely-eyed M&A veterans think "ease and simplicity," they totally think "let’s get an AWS service involved." I sense a comedy sketch in the works!

Leverage generative AI to create custom dashboard widgets in Amazon CloudWatch using Amazon CodeWhisperer – Oh great! Now, using Generative AI, we can fabricate custom dashboard widgets for Amazon Cloudwatch gracefully dubbed as "Amazon CodeWhisperer," because why make things simpler when you can add more layers of complexity? Really looking forward to an overcomplicated machine-generated dashboard that sets off my pager at 3am.

Manage your AWS multi-account environment with Account Factory for Terraform (AFT) – Oh great, AWS’s Account Factory for Terraform (AFT) has arrived, enabling you to orchestrate your multi-account environment. Because nothing is as straightforward as managing your cloud resources like spinning up a whole factory. Brace yourselves for the era of industrial revolution in the cloud!

Monitoring and Visualizing Amazon EKS signals with Kiali and AWS managed open-source services – AWS adds another two historical figures to its ever-growing identity crisis by introducing Kiali to monitor EKS signals in their latest lengthy blog. Next, they’ll announce that they’ve recruited William the Conqueror to improve VPC network routing. Back in the real world, let’s add these to the long list of tools to maintain and promptly forget about.

The Mergers & Acquisitions Cloud Center of Excellence (M&A CCoE) – Part 1 – Fresh off the AWS marketing assembly line, the "Merger & Acquisition Cloud Center of Excellence" has landed. Because what the world really needs is for even more jargon to further complicate cloud migration. Did they name it by throwing darts at a wall of buzzwords?

The Mergers & Acquisitions Cloud Center of Excellence (M&A CCoE) – Part 2: Roles and Responsibilities – Ah, AWS presents us with another acronym soup adventure "M&A CCoE" – Mergers & Acquisitions Cloud Center of Excellence. Because what we definitely needed was more word salad when dealing with something as straightforward as cloud services. Good luck figuring what your responsibility is amid four layers of corporate lingo.

Using Puppet to automate AWS Elastic Disaster Recovery for Amazon EC2 instances at scale – AWS is apparently banking on the idea that you haven’t had enough of their services to juggle. This time, they want you to mix Puppet, a configuration management tool, with AWS Elastic Disaster Recovery for EC2 instances. It’s like throwing chainsaws into a jigsaw puzzle – what could possibly go wrong?

Introducing configurable Idle timeout for Connection tracking – In a move that I’m sure will have networking nerds in a frenzy of excitement, AWS has decided to add a shiny new "Configurable Idle Timeout for Connection Tracking" feature. Because let’s be honest, who among us hasn’t been lying awake at night thinking, "If only AWS could just let me tweak idle timeouts on my elastic load balancer"? Yeah, thought so.

34 new or updated datasets available on the Registry of Open Data on AWS – AWS, the trillion-dollar company, now proudly boasting that they’ve added 34 new or updated datasets to their Registry of Open Data. I guess nothing screams "innovation" like slapping a fresh coat of paint on some old data and calling it new, huh? Keep up the high standards, guys.

Alteia and the World Bank assess and enhance road infrastructure data quality at scale using AWS – So Alteia and the World Bank are teaming up, using good ol’ AWS to assess our crumbling road infrastructure. Because if there’s one entity I trust to evaluate physical surfaces, it’s not a civil engineering firm, it’s a cloud computing service. What’s next AWS? Pothole detection as a Service?

BriBooks improves children’s creative writing with generative AI, powered by AWS – Ah, look, folks! Yet another display of Amazon’s desperate need to convince us their AI can help children write better. Because why find human teachers when you can convince parents to subcontract their kids’ education to server farms? Look out Shakespeare, Beowulf, and Dr. Seuss, AWS is coming for you!

Get excited for re:Invent 2023: A public sector guide – Ah, AWS re:Invent 2023: the Super Bowl of cloud computing, if the Super Bowl was about sitting in dull conference rooms instead of throwing touchdowns. Amazon is promising a guide for the public sector, probably filled with helpful advice like "Don’t forget to budget for our surprise price increases!" and "Remember, what happens in the cloud, stays in the cloud…unless it’s an EC2 outage."

How to build API-driven data pipelines on AWS to unlock third-party data – Ah, Amazon’s at it again with a new blog post on building API-driven data pipelines in a maze they call ‘AWS.’ It’s like they’re dangling a shiny keychain of data freedom before our eyes while conveniently glazing over how much time you’d have left to surface from the overwhelming depths of their service quirks.

2023 Canadian Centre for Cyber Security Assessment Summary report available with 20 additional services – Twenty more AWS services have now been rubber-stamped with "Proudly Canadian, just like Justin Bieber”. That’s right, another report from the cyber-wonks up North is out, proclaiming AWS is as secure as a moose in a maple syrup warehouse. I wonder if someone remembers to water all these AWS services; they keep sprouting out like they’re on cyber fertilizer or something…

AWS achieves SNI 27001 certification for the AWS Asia Pacific (Jakarta) Region – Oh, fantastic! Now, I can rest easy knowing AWS Jakarta region is ISO 27001 certified. Because naturally, the only thing bugging me was whether my data stored in an isolated, politically complex region, had its T’s crossed and I’s dotted on a piece of paper well-accepted as ‘more guidelines than rules’. Crisis averted!

AWS Security Profile: Chris Betz, CISO of AWS – Ah, finally an AWS security profile blog post featuring none other than AWS’s very own CISO, Chris Betz. I guess even AWS deems it necessary to reassure us they’re not just securing our mountains of data with an army of rabid squirrels and instead have a human with an impressive job title on the case.

Download AWS Security Hub CSV report – In the latest episode of "The Least Exciting Spreadsheet Debuts Ever," AWS Security Hub now lets you download all its findings in a flash-freezing cold CSV report. Now, you too can relive the glory days of 1995 Microsoft Office while trying to make sense of your security alerts.

Establishing a data perimeter on AWS: Require services to be created only within expected networks – Well isn’t this a slice of fried gold? AWS has created a virtual fence – because a real one was obviously too demanding – which forces their services to exist only within the confines of your ‘expected’ networks. So, now, every creation outside this magical barrier is greeted with a firm "Access Denied". Apparently, it’s AWS’ latest offering in the ‘Parental Control for Clouds’ series.

How to use multiple instances of AWS IAM Identity Center – In typical AWS style, they’ve released a post detailing how to use multiple instances of IAM Identity Center, because managing just one was too simple, right? Nothing screams "fun" like juggling different IAM instances like flaming chainsaws, all while trying to not tank your production environment.

Implement an early feedback loop with AWS developer tools to shift security left – In an MVP for demonstrating buzzwords, AWS just devolved security responsibilities onto developers, calling it ‘shifting security left’. Another giant leap for DevSecOps, or as I like to call it, ‘making developers do everything Ops’. Enjoy your new career path, developers! By the way, ‘an early feedback loop’, is just a neat way of saying ‘we’ll tell you when you’re screwing up sooner’.

How One SMB Unified Clinical Data to Better Understand Health Trends – In an article that reads like a cross between a medical drama and an AWS success story, AWS crows about how an unspecified SMB managed to unify clinical data. They are relentless, aren’t they? Is there any aspect of life that AWS won’t pitch its relentless feature buffet at?

How SMB Retailers and E-Commerce Companies Can Unleash Inventory Insights with Cloud Analytics – Bless AWS for reminding SMB retailers and e-commerce companies, the backbone of the economy, that they’re just a "cloud analytics" integration away from unlocking staggering inventory insights. Now if they only offered a service to decipher what cloud analytics actually means, and maybe a tutorial on how to use it without racking up a bill larger than the GDP of a small country.

Securing Your SMB: Benefits of Strong Cybersecurity Measures – So, AWS just released a blog about the importance of strong cybersecurity measures for SMBs. Great. Brace yourselves for earth-shattering revelations like ‘fire is hot’, ‘water is wet’, and ‘having decent security measures is good for your business’.

How Snorkel AI achieved over 40% cost savings by scaling machine learning workloads using Amazon EKS – So now we have Snorkel AI, doing a triumphant lap after they figured out how to cut costs by shockingly using more AWS services. Because pumping money into Amazon’s ecosystem clearly screams "savings” as loudly as Bezos laughs at us from his space rocket.

AWS file storage at re:Invent 2023 in 3 easy steps – "Ah, AWS’s annual production of ‘Reinvent,’ with its special guest star – ‘File Storage.’ We’re promised a three-step dance that starts with ‘make it complicated,’ pirouettes into ‘add more features nobody asked for,’ and concludes with a rousing ‘explain it using jargon so thick even we don’t understand it.’"

Migrating Wasabi Object Storage to Amazon S3 using AWS DataSync – And in the corner of unnecessary advice, AWS bravely steps forward with a guide on migrating from Wasabi to S3 using AWS DataSync. Because what every Wasabi user absolutely needed was an ‘easy’ transition plan to probably higher storage costs wrapped up in the delightful complexity of AWS service land!

Simple and comprehensive data protection with Amazon Data Lifecycle Manager – In another attempt to save you from accidentally deleting your precious data, Amazon has unleashed yet another product: Amazon Data Lifecycle Manager. Because apparently what we all need is another convoluted service name that sounds like it was spit out by a bot — although, knowing Amazon, it probably was.

Improving demand planning for products with varying lifecycles with AWS Supply Chain – Ah, AWS Supply Chain has decided to grace us with its presence and wisdom on how to handle product lifecycles with the precision of a Swiss watch. Because everyone knows when it comes to managing finicky product lifecycles, that’s a pickle we’d rather trust to the cloud juggernaut than, say, actual supply chain experts.

New AWS skills initiatives help APAC get AI-ready – Amazon has announced their APAC "AI-Ready" program, because why wouldn’t you want robo-bros to help you take over the world, right? Laugh all you like, but Skynet doesn’t sound so far-fetched now. Once again, Amazon does provide a lovely Masterclass in finding new, creative ways of making us realize – we’re not paranoid, we’re just not paranoid enough.

Generative AI Builds a re:Invent Scavenger Hunt – Oh great, just what we needed: Generative AI has built a reInvent Scavenger Hunt. Now instead of coming up with innovative tech, AI is on a mission to make us collect AWS themed trinkets while navigating a conference that’s as organized as a toddler’s birthday party. Way to prioritize, real cutting edge stuff.

Tools

PartyRock | Will it database? – empty

https://x.com/donkersgood/status/1725976464678404457?s=20 – empty

… and that’s what happened Last Week in AWS.