The Duckbill Group in coordination with Bud Light presents: Real Men of Genius.

(Real Men of genius)

Today, on your 75th birthday, we salute you, @LarryEllison.

(Larry Goddamned Ellison)

Any megalomaniacal jackass can start a law firm, but it takes real talent for that law firm to also make databases.

(Transactional logs and attorneys)

Divorced irreconcilably from reality along with four ex-wives, you constantly make statements bearing zero relation to reality.

(Borderline presidential!)

Business ethics? That’s for losers.

(Sue the goddamned government!)

And even though Cloud is kicking your ass so hard you taste its shoe leather, you’re still convinced you’re going to nail this.

(Hunt the homeless for sport on your island!)

So crack open an ice-cold Bud Light, Larry Ellison, because at this point a drunken tumble down the stairs is the most graceful exit option you’ve got.

(Larry Goddamned Ellison)

The preceding jingle is a parody, and the Duckbill Group does not have an existing relationship with Anheuser-Busch InBev, although interested individuals in its marketing department are invited to reach out. The Duckbill Group makes no claims with respect to any of the following fictitious statements: (1) that Larry Ellison hunts the homeless for sport, (2) that Larry Ellison will not potentially reconcile with reality or any or all of his ex-wives, (3) that Larry Ellison has any taste for anything whatsoever, including but not limited to shoe leather. The Duckbill Group has no earthly idea what the hell Larry Ellison does on his private island and frankly, we’re much happier keeping it that way. In no way, shape, or form does the Duckbill group assert that Larry Ellison is engaging in the unauthorized practice of law in violation of California Business and Professions Code 6126. While the Duckbill Group will not take a public position with respect to actively wishing death upon Larry Ellison or indeed anyone at all for their business practices, statistical analyses conducted by similar leading consulting organizations have established that a series of pratfalls involving rakes, bear traps, and literal pies in the face would be objectively hilarious.